Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Blog Feud IV: j.Bowman vs. ???

Anyone familiar with j.Bowman Can't Sleep knows that I start every month with a new post in a series called "The Irritional Fear of the Month". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. I'm gonna pick a fight.

But to pick a fight every month substantially cheapens causes I'm willing to throw down and fight for. That is why I decided to be more selective when it comes to picking my battles. To only wait until a true opponent pokes his head out of the "tool-shed" just long enough for me to take a shot, and to see if they got the applebees to stand up for what they foolishly believe in. To be patient, and vigilante and not let nonsense and idiocy go unanswered and unavenged.

Well I'm so glad to be so mad, cause that means today is that day.

Starting back in November, I searched the internets (all of them) and challenged whoever wrote something infuriating enough to a "Blog Off" which they have 30 days to respond to. For the record I have no idea what a "Blog Off" would be or how a winner would be determined, but that won't stop me from challenging people to one, and if accepted, figuring out the rules. It would be some sort of writing contest showdown.  For the fourth official "Blog Off", having already defeated the Ultimate Warrior among others by having more courage, I formally challenge Mr. Brent Stephen Smith!

Wait, who?

Brent is a published author from White Rock, British Columbia, Canada. He is a rugby enthusiast and has great taste when it comes to movies, music and tv shows. He is currently based out of Ottawa, Ontario, Canada and he writes a blog of his own, located on Wordpress.

People who have followed the previous blog feuds know that this is the space I usually dedicate to detailing exactly what minor slight has caused me to overreact and put on my dueling gloves. So far I have had nothing but positive things to say about Mr. Smith, and nothing up there seems like it would rub me the wrong way. Canadian? Check. Likes sports? Check. Blogger? You Betcha. Loves a good assortment of quality TV/Music/Movies? Affirmative. Are we feuding because he writes on "Wordpress" and I use "Blogspot"? Nope. I wouldn't defend Blogger's honor in any scenario. Their list of "Blogs of Note" can go fornicate itself with a golf club as far as I'm concerned.

(I will even let them pick the club)

So after picking blog fights with people for reasons such as "bashing the Vancouver Canucks", "besmirching the nation of Canada as a whole" and....."being the Ultimate Warrior", what has Brent Stephen Smith done to raise my ire to uncontrollable levels?

He challenged me.

(That's right, Shocked Batman, your response is appropriate)

I've actually known Brent for awhile. We met years ago through a mutual friend, back when we were young lads, getting into all kinds of trouble in various suburbs of Vancouver. We've grown up (in age only) and have gone on to have varying degrees of success. Him: quite a bit. Me: None, really. But I can run very fast and I have a big dvd collection. Brent has been a reader and supporter of j.Bowman Can't Sleep since it's early days...when he was the only reader and supporter. Even I'll admit, I didn't even read it back then. Too many colors.

(Also, not enough Lizzy Caplan)

Blog Feud IV is an interesting showdown for a few reasons. 1) It is the only one classy enough to be in roman numerals B) It is the only one so far where I have actually met the person 3) It will actually happen. Over the last few weeks we have been engaged in shrewd negotiations to determine exactly how this would go down. After much discussion we have both decided an actual blog feud can't just be settled with 1 post. No sir. Imagine if World War II had been decided on just one battle:

(Pictured: typical Newark, New Jersey bar in shitty alternate future)

So both Kombatants (not a spelling error. Mortal Kombat reference) have agreed to a "Best of 5 Blog Off" to happen over the next several weeks. The rounds break down thusly:

Round 1: A "How to" post
Round 2: A Rant
Round 3: A Review
Round 4 (If necessary) - Opponents choice (will be contested under "Shakesperean Rules" ie no pictures, just words)
Round 5 (If necessary) -  If we are deadlocked at 2 wins each and we need something to settle the score, we will each spin "The Wheel of Random Bullshit" to determine what our last post will be about. No matter what I will be writing my 5th post inside of a 15 foot high steel cage.

(Round 5 is where shit gets real. "Cage match" real)

So without further adieu, let's take a look at the "Tale of the Tape" between the two blog warriors:

 "Something Like Awesome" Brent Stephen Smith

Height: 6'
Weight: 190 (current prime) 230 (recessionary sub-prime)
Hometown: White Rock, British Columbia, Canada
Currently Resides In: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Finishing Move: "The Pen is Mightier" (flying guillotine choke hold)
Favorite Cereal: Frankenberry
Favorite Ninja Turtle: Leonardo
Manly enough to play Rugby: Yes
Favorite US President: Millard Fillmore
Favorite Egyptian Pharoah: Amenhotep III
Can spell "Pharaoh" without using spellcheck: Yes
Loves his mum: I assume so.
Published Novel: "Something Like Ideal" BUY IT ON AMAZON!
Currently writes blog:  HERE
Favorite Board Game: Clue
Medievil Weapon of choice: Triple Morningstar

(Holy fuck!)


"The Albino Wino" j.Bowman

Height: 6'2 (8/16ths) 
Weight: 233 lbs (....I like poutine, don't judge me) 
Hometown: Surrey, British Columbia, Canada 
Currently Resides In: Above (as in above answer. Not like "heaven" or anything) 
Finishing Move: "The Cine-plex" (spinning fisherman suplex) 
Favorite Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Charms 
Favorite Ninja Turtle: Leonardo 
Manly enough to play Rugby: ...No 
Favorite US President: Abraham Lincoln 
Favorite Egyptian Pharoah: Khafre 
Can spell "Pharaoh" without using spellcheck: No. 
Loves his mum: Yep 
Published Novel: Nope. Still shopping for publishers for "Bryce: The World's Worst Boyfriend" 
Currently writes blog: You are currently reading it. 
Favorite Board Game: Taboo 
Medievil Weapon of choice: Bow, man

(Although I love swords, you have to get pretty close to use them)

So that's that. The matchup is set and the world will soon shake as two frenemies blog to their very limits in an effort to vanquish their foe.

And if we can't settle our differences via blog, we might just use our medievil weapons...


Thanks for Reading

- jB

follow @jbowmancouver on Twitter. It's better than being eaten by wolves.

No comments:

Post a Comment