Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; August

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of August 2011:


Backflips are fucking awesome. Straight up. There is no better way to put an exclaimation point on something really cool you did than by doing a sick back flip afterwords. The less you look like you should be doing a backflip, the cooler it is. Case in point, the fella up there in the picture. Imagine if you will he just closed a huge business deal and landed the Whitman account (that elusive Whitman account!). Doing a good job in business things will probably get him a pat on the back, maybe an extra vacation day and a perhaps some minor consideration for the a promotion down the road. If he followed up that deal by doing a backflip in the boardroom, well....

(Actually a terrible businessman, but somewhere in his history there is probably a sick backflip)

I used to have a friend who could do standing backflips on command. EVERYBODY loved that guy. Because of course they did. Backflips are so simple but just add a zest, y'know? Riding a motorcycle and taking it off some sweet ramps is cool, but how can we make it coo-


(Gravity is somewhere crying and listening to Lionel Ritchie)

Who is the greatest shortstop in Major League Baseball history? Derek Jeter? Nomar Garciaparra? Nope. Ozzie f'n Smith. Why?


 (World Series wins: 0. Career midgame backflips: 867. HALL...OF...FAME!)

Backflips are just way too cool a thing to not be added to the IIHOF. You know what, let's give Ozzie f'n Smith his due and see some video of his baseball skills (although between you and me, it's all downhill after he does his backflip)

I'm going to be a dying old man, and I will whistfully and regretfully say on my deathbed "I should've done more backflips". I can't do them, so in an effort to take one regret from that sad old bastards future, I'm going to post more backflip videos. I don't want to be on my deathbed and, while being honest about my shitty ability, say "I wish I would've posted more backflip videos on that blog I used to write". Nobody wants that. But everyone wants backflips!

Welcome to the Hall. Oh, and front flips are lame and can go fuck themselves.

Little known j.Bowman fact (that I'm now making publicly known) is that I love thesauruseses...thesauri...thesauroos. Well whatever the hell you call them, I am a huge fan. Sometimes kids, me want speak words more good. Not having thesaurus make me sound dumb. Me so want speak words better. Me so hor-...amorous (working already).

Being a wordy gentlemen, I need that edge to set me apart and make whatever you are reading slightly entertaining. It's my burden, it's my curse, and by the end of this sentence it will have been my failure. I hate people who go too deep into thesaurus land and sound like a total douche using 9 sylabble words when a simple "boobs is yes?" will suffice.

By the way, all the spelling mistakes are intentional. Spellcheckers can commence with fornicating themselves. So can dictionaries.

 (credited on the bottom with "& Thesaurus"?! How dare you Collins! Boycott!)

One of the most fun times I've ever had with a thesaurus (yes, it IS possible) was when me and my good buddy Spoony decided to get wordy and re-write one of the best TV theme songs of all time. I will leave you with what we came up with in the span of about 20 minutes via facebook:

In the western region of a city in Pennsylvania, where I originated and was cultivated, consigned to the recreation area was the venue in which I would allocate the bulk of my time.

Unwinding to the utmost and putting one's feet up to invigorate, enjoying some recreational sports in the playing field near the learn-a-torium. was at that time that a couple of fellows who were engaging in nefarious behaviours commenced with causing tribulation in the vacinity of my habitation district...

an insignificant bru-ha-ha ensued causing great anxiety in my mother. "Time to relocate to be with your kinsfolk in an affluent residential community in the hills of the Westside of the city of Los Angeles."

‎...a shrill sound eminated from my mouth in order to bring the attention of tarriffed transport and in the moment where it entered my proximity, I noticed that the certification placard displayed a message of ripeness in addition to the fact that there hung replicas of 6 sided number cubes from a reflective surface... 

There was possibly one thing that I could surmise from the situation and that would be that this recruitable jalopy was astonishing. Nonetheless, I chose to pay no heed. Attention, my new acquaintance! Drive forth to the affluent residential community in the hills of the Westside of the city of Los Angeles!

I disembarked within the vacinity of a domicile at roughly 19:00 hundred hours (perhaps it was 20:00) and I shouted to my rented chauffeur both that he was my compatriot and that I would intake his aroma at a subsequent juncture…

As I regarded my realm, I mused on the length of the journey and how it had ultimately brought me to this point in time. At long last, I could take my place as a rightful member of the royal family in a posh, modest community in Southern California.  

Did you guess what TV Theme that was? If not, WARNING, you did not grow up in the 90s. Click the link and report immediately to nostalgiatown.

Spoon, it took me a long time to dig that up on Facebook, now it will be in 1 place for us to enjoy. It would not have been possible without a Thesaurus. Welcome to the Hall.


Our ancestral cavemen could only plug in one item at a time. Then the powerbar came along and changed the fucking game. And for that, welcome to the hall!

Lincoln's beard

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog even semi-regularly knows that I got a man crush on Abraham Lincoln. He's dope. By dope I mean he is actually pretty damn interesting. I don't want to induct him personally into the IIHOF (because he is not inaminate or intangible, so he doesn't even qualify) nor do I wish to induct any of his amazing quotes. Instead I wish to induct into the "Facial Hair Wing" of the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame: Abraham Lincoln's beard.

Last year in November I wrote a post about my inability to grow a mustache. It still haunts me to this day and makes sadness water come out of my face (need my thesaurus). This is just another one of those things that Lincoln instills hope in a person for. He didn't muss around with stupid mustaches. Hell no! He just got his beard in place and then went from there. Soup went un-caught when it entered this man's food hole. He was awesome enough for facial hair, but wouldn't commit to the full beard. I love that about him. So for that, he can join Sam Elliot's mustache and Commander Riker's beard in the IIHOF: Facial Hair wing.

So there you have it. Another month closed, another bunch of entries in the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame

Thanks for Reading
- jB

Don't be afraid to add j.Bowman on Twitter. I don't bite. However if you're afraid of having your time wasted with nonsense, that is a very valid fear and I don't blame you for keeping your distance.

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