Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; May

Mon-f'n-peeps. I've missed you. Well most of you. To the people I didn't miss (you know who you are) I hope you all get "cake-faced" at some point in the next month.

"Cake-Face: (kayk-fay-ce) - The process in which your stupid face is shoved into a cake, thus making you look quite the fool to all who gaze upon you"

Oddly enough, I was on Dictionary.com today (one of the few non-porn sites I find worthwhile) and I've want to get into the practice of using their "word of the day" in whatever post I'm working on. Sometimes it will be a passing reference, sometimes it might be an entire post about the word (hoping like hell one day the word is "Batmanisawesome"). Todays word fits what I wanted to open with anyway so it will be easy to use.

"Sabbatical (suh-BAT-i-khul) - Any extended period of leave from one's customary work, especially for rest, to acquire new skills or training, etc."

I solemnly promise this to you: I, although on a self imposed sabbatical, WILL NOT be using my time to acquire new skills or training (I might, however, ect. That sounds kinda fun). I haven't been working on the blog that much in late May, early June due to the fact that getting shitfaced while watching Hockey every two days does wonders for ones inability to sleep. This blog is not called "j.Bowman Can't Pass Out....then wake up and eat a pie. Not a whole pie, just like a slice. A big slice. A slice that's the size of about half a pie" (it would be a nightmare to register that url). I took a leave to focus all my energy on willing my beloved Vancouver Canucks to Stanley Cup glory...only to watch it go down in flames (...pun?) as they lost...in game 7...to a team from northeast USA...again.

I have been in mourning. The last time that same thing happened, I was 8 years old. To prove how emotionally mature I am now, keep in mind that when I was 8, I shut down the blog I wrote permanently I was THAT upset.

But I have creative obligations to uphold. I don't actually, but whatever motivates besides the fact that it's very quiet at 3:35 am, is helpful. So in keeping with tradition, I will close off May while dangerously close to the end of June, with more inductees into the most pointless Hall of Fame in the galaxy.

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined for all the look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of May 2011:

YTV Series "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

Any Canadians who grew up in the 90s knows this show and fully understands why it is in the "I.I.H.O.F". I will say this: I love downer ending. Love 'em. In a simple sense, I find them more realistic and they always seem to catch me off guard because after spending my whole life immersed in TV, Film and works of fine literature (...comic books) I expect the happy ending is coming.

"Are You Afraid of the Dark", even being a kids show, didn't bow down to that happy ending bullshit. This show had fucking balls, man. Seriously. It wasn't only legitimately creepy at times, but it also was not afraid to have it's protaganists get exactly what they deserve. The show was about a bunch of kids with horrifically irresponsible parents who don't notice that they sneak out of their houses at midnight once a week to go to the woods and tell scary stories around a campfire. Here is the opening video, which creeped out a generation:

Each episode was "The Tale of____". For those who tuned in every week to see "The Tale of the Guy in the Woods with a Trenchcoat and only a Trenchcoat"...you were left hanging for the entire run of the series. But for fans of bad acting, shoddy effects and downer endings, this show was the tits.

While not all endings were downers, numerous episodes featured weird villains. And by weird, I mean "holy shit that's creepy". Like the computer virus who came to life in this episode:

Here is a video someone made of the Top 10 Creepiest Villains. They range from A ghost librarian who steals voices, creepy clowns, goddamn vampires who are able to come in and out of old movies to...whatever the fuck was in that pool (plus, future hottie and Firefly actress Jewel Staite is in the clip)

I wanna give special recognition to the "Ghastly Grinner" for ruining my childhood almost as much as the 1994 New York Rangers.

(If I say yes will he go away?!)

I remember an episode "The Tale of the Pinball Wizard" where this kid works at an arcade in the mall and loves pinball. Fucking loves it. His boss leaves early, entrusting the kid to close up. He makes sure to tell him NOT to play ANY of the games while he is gone. The kid promises he won't, and then promptly goes "Simba" and plays pinball in the very next scene. He ends up getting trapped in the game, and after struggling through and avoiding certain death, he beats the game and earns his freedom....or so he thinks. Never was it stated that he got to go free if he wins. So then this happens:

Love their commitment to punishing filthy liars. Love the end credit techno version of the theme song. Love the last line of the episode (which I feel is helpful advice is you are considering entering the drug game)

"Whoever's got the game, just make sure the game doesn't get you"

Welcome to the hall.

Alex Burrows Game 7 OT winner vs. Chicago.

It is a day long since passed in the memories of Canucks fans. After an incredible run in the playoffs that fell...5 goals short, one goal was the biggest of them all and a memory I will cherish much like I do Pavel Bure's double OT game winner against the Calgary Flames in '94.

For those not aware of the circumstances, the Chicago Blackhawks had been playoff kryptonite for the Canucks for 2 straight years, bouncing us in the 2nd round (and making us look like shit in the process). This year was supposed to be different. The Canucks finished 1st overall and on the last day of the season, the 8th place team and first round opponent turned out to be those very same Chicago Blackhawks (they won the Stanley Cup the previous year). The Canucks got out to a 3-0 lead in the Best of 7 Series. Then it happened. The Canucks started to collapse. BIG TIME. Chicago came back, won three straight games to tie the series and force a game 7 in Vancouver. Canuck hero Alex Burrows scored early in the first period and the game became 1-0 and stayed that way...until the final minute when the Blackhawks scored while shorthanded to tie the game up and send it to overtime. If the Canucks score, they finally slay the dragon and continue their march to destiny. If the Blackhawks score, our nemesis eliminates us for the 3rd year in a row, our best season in team history is meaningless and somewhere, Vince Vaughn laughs at us.

(You know who isn't laughing? Anyone who paid to see "Be Cool")

As an entire city used to playoff disappointment watches...this happened....

Anyone who knows my history with 4/26 knows how much 2011's meant to me. April 26th: Without a doubt my favorite and most memorable moment from the 2011 Stanley Cup run.

Welcome to the hall.

Pulp Free Orange Juice

 (One of these is good. The other can suck dick. Some dick.)

I fucking hate pulp. It's bullshit. Who wants to drink a liquid that has floaties in it? I don't care if they're part of the fruit or not. Liquids should be liquids. NO FLOATIES! 

(This juice can suck lots of dick)

Louis CK's Stand Up Comedy

He is my favorite comedian and has been for a long time. I love stand up comedy, I have since I was a little kid. I have nothing but respect for people who are good at it and nothing but contempt for those who are terrible at it. Louis CK is one of, if not THE best stand up working today. He has had a few tv series', directed, written and acted in movies but his bread and butter has always been his stand up. I've seen him in Vancouver twice and both times my face hurt for days after because I was laughing so hard and continuously. The second show he did, he had just gone through a divorce and admitted to the audience that he had been having a hard time but he loves comedy, and great crowds and he thanked up for all our support and wished us all happiness. From a cynical guy to my cynical ears, that meant a lot. Admiration overload, here is the man at work.

No matter how bad a mood I'm in, his material always makes me smile.

Welcome to the hall.

The Ending of the 2007 film "The Mist"

I'm not going to spoil it, but I will share something I learned about it. Writer Frank Darabont had it put in his contract for this movie that the studio COULD NOT change the ending from what was written. The studio said fine and then after seeing it freaked the fuck out and tried to get him to change it to something less depressing. He said no and that was the end of it. If you haven't seen the movie, go check it out. It's 90% pretty good and then 5% HOLY SHIT AMAZING! (the other 5% is credits. Can't forget those grips).

If you want to remain spoiler free, scroll down to the picture of Lizzy Caplan (you'll know you are safe from spoilers when you see her in all her glory)

If you're a single mom on the go or you just don't have the patience to watch the movie, I will post the video below. The Set -Up is this: Thomas Jane is awesome. He, his son, some hot blonde and a bunch of other people are trapped in a supermarket while a mist covers their small town. There are monsters in the mist that kill people as they try to escape. After realizing they are no safer with the religious zealots inside the supermarket (*gasp* humans are the real monsters) A small group decides to make a run for it. They get to their car, and drive....until they run out of gas. There is no hope for rescue, so resigned to their fate of probably getting eaten by monsters, they decide to commit suicide. Problem is, there are 5 of them but only 4 bullets. Let's watch as this movie makes the incredibly bold decision to wear it's balls on the outside of it's pants.



 If it makes you feel better, Welcome to the hall!

(It's alright now everybody, Lizzy's back...and gorgeous)

So there you have it. Another month closed, another bunch of entries in the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame

Thanks for Reading


1 comment:

  1. top shelf ghastly grinner ftw!!