Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Lion King Revisited: Who's The Asshole?

*MONPEEPS! With "Lion King" getting re-released in 3D I've decided to re-release this post from the early days of j.B.C.S. which even pre-dates the Irrational Fear of the Month and The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame. This post also comes from a time where only like 4 people read the blog, so some of you newbies might have missed it. Enjoy! Or don't. Just don't be a dick about it - jB*

Haven't written in a bit. Figured I'd come back with a long and completely insane viewpoint about a classic children's move. Why not?

8 year old me was completely wrong about the Lion King, and I didn't realize it until now. It came out in 1994, and I guess I was distracted by seeing the true face of evil lift the Stanley Cup that year to notice that the Lion King's protagonist/antagonist dynamic was backwards. At least the way it was presented to us.

Simba: Hero. Scar: Villain. Simple enough right. I mean, Simba is cute and cuddly and Scar has dark hair and....a scar. What an asshole right? Incorrect.

Now at the start of the movie, all the animals gather around to watch the Lion King (which at the time was Mufasa) get a rainbow faced baboon to run juice across his newborn sons forehead and and then hold the kid over the edge of a goddamn cliff, showing him off to everyone.

(If this were "300"...kid is gettin' tossed)

The animals then bow at the sight of this marginally cute lion cub. I'd like to think there is an unimpressed zebra down there who doesn't think the kid is all that cute. But there has to at least be a few animals who agree with my stance on this: Big deal, the lion's had a kid. So what? It's not like humans drop everything and fawn when a celebrity has a ch-.....touche, Lion King.

(That kid is the only one giving an appropriate response in this photo)

So because of Simba, Scar doesn't get to be king when Mufasa (his brother) dies. The kid gets it all. Scar in turn skips the "meet your future oppressor" celebration. Now, as far as I see it, Scar had 2 options:

1. Go to the celebration super pissed and be a huge wet blanket.
2. Stay home and brood quietly.

Whenever you wonder who the true villain of The Lion King is, just remember this phrase: "Scar stayed home". And what happens? Mufasa shows up and bitches him out about not showing up. Scar doesn't want this thing shoved in his face anymore that it already has been, so who's the asshole?

(Pictured: Rape)

So then, Simba starts to grow up, and Mufasa explains the "circle of life" to him. There is an unremarkable song about it too, but I'll just stick with Mufasa's description. So the kid asks "Why is it alright for us to just eat the antelope?" A fair question. Mufasa then drops this gem on Simba/the audience: 

"Well son, when we die we become the grass. And the antelope eats the grass. And then we eat the antelope. Circle of life! Boom! Suck it!"

I may have added the last part to that. So basically lions get to lay on the ground, die and decompose into grass, THEN the antelope gets to eat them? And that justifies the Lions slaughtering and eating live antelope. Who's the asshole? Grass doesn't know it's being eaten by antelope, yet the antelope is VERY aware it is being eaten by a lion. UNFAIR, LIONS!

("Circle of Life. Look it up. It's in the book, we wrote" - Lions)

Then we are treated to a big song and dance number song by the arrogant little prick called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King". A ballad about how much power and control he's going to have. Check out this choice lyric:

"I'm brushing up on looking down. I'm working on my roar".

What kind of elitist animal garbage is that? Fuck that lion. Even as a kid he is preparing to look at other animals as a class below him. AND THEN to drive the point home, he gets to end the song while on top of an extremely complicated looking animal pyramid.

(Normally I love seeing giraffes subjugated, but c'mon dude stand up for yourself!)

It is like 14 minutes into the movie and I'm already filled with disney rage. Just because Lion's are the best singers doesn't mean they should get to lord around all over the other animals. You know who doesn't buy into that shit? Scar.

(Scar, voting to start a basketball league for inner city at risk youths)

So the song ends and we cut to Scar, just hanging out in his shadowy cave, minding his own damn business when this little asshole lion Simba comes strolling (I chose that word very carefully. He fucking strolled) into Scar's cave and, well, take a look:

What a little shit. "Hey Scar, guess what? I'm awesome and I get everything when I'm older". Man, Scar was just trying to deal with things quietly in his own way and then he gets everything shoved right back in his face. I believe the entire movie would've played out differently if Scar hadn't been provoked here. AND THEN he manipulates the kid into wanting to go to the elephant graveyard, however he makes him PROMISE he won't go there. Simba promises not to and them bam! Next scene, he fucking goes there. So he breaks promises too. Who's the asshole?

("Hey Nala, know what I like more than lying? NOTHING!")

So then Simba almost gets eaten by hyenas (he's on their turf, fair game). He actually threatens them first, claiming that they should bow to him cause he will be king someday (this kid's ego is out of control!). The Hyenas, who have been cast out by Mufasa for being....ethnic.....try to kill the kid and Mufasa shows up to save the day. He later has a heartfelt moment with his son, who is a filthy liar remember, and lets him off the hook for almost getting himself killed. What kinda lessons is this kid learning?

(Lesson 1: Fuck Authority)

At this point, Scar has seen enough and he sings a very charming song called "Be prepared" which might as well have been called "Yes, I am going to kill my brother". It's obvious the movie is trying to make him out to be the bad guy now. Nothing does that better than having him give a rousing speach on a perch overlooking goose-stepping hyena soldiers. Like at 1:52 of the video.


See, Mufasa and Simba were such assholes that the people behind the movie needed to make Scar look like a nazi to convince you of his villainy. Aside from that though, it's a helluva number.

(note: at this point scar kills mufasa, and pretty much looks like a dick.)

(Pictured: Scar joins the n.W.o.)

After Mufasa dies, and Simba survives and runs away. He collapses in the desert where he is rescued by Timon & Pumba (presumeably about 40 minutes since Mufasa died). They ask what happened and he says grimly that he doesn't want to talk about it. Makes sense, you just saw your dad get trampled to death by wildebeasts less than an hour ago, that would emotionally scar anyone.

(Although Keanu didn't have to pile on the kids grief like he did. Bad form)

Then Timon & Pumba sing "Hakuna Matata" (a song about putting minor shit like being responsible for your dads death behind you) but Simba is still sad. He is so sad that he makes it all the way through 2 verses before he happily sings "It means no worries, for the rest of your days". He got over that rather quickly, which leads me to believe Simba is an emotionless monster. Who's the asshole? 1:52 into the video is evidence enough.

First thing Scar does as king is welcome back the hyena's who've been exiled to the outskirts of the land and forced to live off scraps like second class citizens. Scar isn't having any of that shit. He tears down that wall and forms a non-segregated Lion/Hyena society. What a guy. Then the rest of the movie plays out, Simba bangs his childhood friend Nala who convinces him to go kill Scar cause having hyena's around is making everyone nervous.

(I find it odd that I've spent so much time in bars and clubs yet I've never met a girl sluttier than this lion)

Simba goes back and tricks Scar into insulting the Hyenas, who then eat him. Then, after a while the barren wasteland that Pride Rock had become (which Scar totally gets blamed for, unfairly) becomes fully fertile and grass grows, flowers bloom, whatever the fuck it is trees do. Not only are Lions the best singers, they are also agricultural geniuses.

(Scar lost because he overthinks things. DUDE, C'MON YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE!)

End of the movie, Monkey guy comes back with Simba's kid, and holds him over the edge of the cliff. And thus, the Circle of bullshit continues unless there is someone who can put an end to it...

(OH SHIT! Scar had a kid!?)

Here is hoping they do a legit sequel to the Lion King and Simba gets Kovu'd, right in the goddamn face.


Thanks for Reading



  1. how does this have no comments yet? I nearly pissed myself laughing.

  2. My theory is that there are A LOT of Simba fans out there.

  3. i say shut the fuck up and get over it... i mean... if you don't like the movie, then don't watch it the second time just to complain about all the scenes... who's the asshole now?! ...dumb fuck...

  4. Bahahahah the above comment has to be one of my all time favourites. Never have I seen someone so aggresively jump to Simba's defence by showering someone with obscenities "Anonymously". Simba may be an asshole, I may be a dumb fuck but at least we aren't cowards. Laughable.

  5. Oh, and for the record, I love Lion King.

  6. You'll love this:

  7. Kovu is not Scar's son....

  8. Looks just like him. Until I see a paternity test that proves otherwise, I will live my life believing that IS spawn of Scar.

    Oh, and that Confused Matthew thing was awesome. Good to have another support my theory and delve deeper into it. Thanks for the link!

  9. Really, you can't judge a child so harshly like that. You may like Confused Matthew's review but really that's one of his most hated reviews, and one of the main reasons for that is just how hard he is on young Simba. Let me break it down for ya, he is a CHILD. He's a young prince having a kingdom handed to him by his father. Naturally he's gonna feel untouchable and have a bit of a big ego. He did not threaten the hyenas, he was simply trying to be brave, despite being clearly scared. He didn't bring Nala along simply to "be an asshole". When a kid hears about this "really cool place" (in his case the elephant graveyard) often, they're gonna want their friends to see this "cool" place also. Beside it's not like Nala didn't want to go. "I just can't wait to be king" really is another one of those "I want songs" that Disney movies often have, in this case, Simba wanting to be king. And it also served to distract Zazu. Also after that whole incident with the hyenas, Simba expresses guilt and agknowledges that what he disd was wrong. Really Simba's not an asshole, he's just a child.

  10. can u do one on the tlk 2? pretty plz