Saturday, May 28, 2011

Blog Feud 3: j.Bowman vs. ?????

Anyone familiar with j.Bowman Can't Sleep knows that I start every month with a new post in a series called "The Irritional Fear of the Month". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. I'm gonna pick a fight.

But to pick a fight every month substantially cheapens causes I'm willing to throw down and fight for. That is why I decided to be more selective when it comes to picking my battles. To only wait until a true opponent pokes his head out of the "tool-shed" just long enough for me to take a shot, and to see if they got the applebees to stand up for what they foolishly believe in. To be patient, and vigilante and not let nonsense and idiocy go unanswered and unavenged.

Well I'm so glad to be so mad, cause that means today is that day.

Starting with back in November, I searched the internets (all of them) and challenged whoever wrote something infuriating enough to a "Blog Off" which they have 30 days to respond to. For the record I have no idea what a "Blog Off" would be or how a winner would be determined, but that won't stop me from challenging people to one, and if accepted, figuring out the rules. It would be some sort of writing contest showdown. Perhaps we could have an impartial 3rd party pick a topic and we both blog about it? If you don't wanna use your site, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" will gladly host it. For the third official "Blog Off", having already defeated the Ultimate Warrior and Fred Hatman by having more courage, I formally challenge Terry Jones!

Wait, who?

Terry Jones is a columnist for the Edmonton Sun. 6 seconds of internet research have led me to the conclusion that it's a newspaper. I didn't know Edmonton had newspapers, I thought all they had there was snow and regret.

Thanks to one of Mon loyalist peeps,  C.Meech (the "Lower Mainland Lex Luthor") I came across an article Mr. Jones wrote emphatically entitled "The Canucks are NOT Canada's team!". Everyone who has read this blog or the previous blog feud I had against Fred Hatman knows that I love Vancouver, and I love the Canucks, and I will not stand idly by as they are attacked, sullied and besmirched by Mr. Jones. In fact, I am no longer going to refer to him as "Mr. Jones" for the rest of the post. I will henceforth call him "the likes of you" so as not to drag down the good name of Jones, something I'm sure both James Earl, Indiana and Casey would appreciate...

(Pictured: 6 different kinds of awesome)

I'm not going to post the entire article he wrote about it on here, primarily because I have a strict policy on this blog that dictates the majority of the bullshit on this blog has to come from me. His post would throw the whole ratio out of whack and there wouldn't be enough Ninja Turtle references to rebalance the scales. I will however pick choice quotes from it, and respond the only way I know how: angrily.

(NOTE: anything written in blue means it was written with a head up an ass) It starts off paying tribute to the lost art of short, choppy sentence fragments:

Are the Vancouver Canucks Canada's Team?

It wasn't a question. It was an assignment.

No. They're not.

Are we gonna be judged by The Likes of You?


We are not.

That is total bull-


(Exclaimation mark)

Pick a sports bar — any sports bar on this side of the Rocky Mountains on a game night in the Stanley Cup
playoffs — and the majority of the fans are cheering against Vancouver.

Run reader poll. We did. A majority 55% of the respondents said no way.

Not Canada's Team.

Pick a sports bar, any sports bar on that side of the Rocky Mountains on any given game night in the Stanley Cup playoffs - and the majority of the fans can't cheer for the home team BECAUSE THEY AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO STILL BE PLAYING TELEVISED HOCKEY GAMES.

Run a fake poll of imaginary people. I did. 97% of this feel you possess the incredible skill to excrete bullshit from your fingertips.

Not Canada's expert on hockey fandom.

It's been almost two decades since the 1993 Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup. You'd think Canadians would be cheering for the last, er, Canuck team still skating to stop the skid and turn 'No Canada' back into 'Oh Canada.'

My theory is that it's now gone on so long that fans of the other Canadian clubs are now willing to wait until it's their team that finally becomes the glorious team to win it again.

That right there, the only sensible thing that is said in the entire article. Why should we not listen to "The Likes of You"? Because you just shot your argument in the foot and admitted that NOBODY is going to be Canada's team because we each hang our hopes on our own team and noone elses. I would've stopped reading the article there, but my doctor said I needed more hogwash and balderdash.

In interviewing Vancouver players during the past three playoff seasons, it's clear they don't see themselves as Canada's Team. And, indeed, teams like the Chicago Blackhawks have had more Canadians, and particularly more Western Canadians in the lineup.

I checked the Oilers roster, and to my surprised I found that they weren't comprised solely of Canadian hockey players. Bloody shocking, that. Perhaps you should interview Czech player Ales Hemsky and see if he sees himself as playing on "Canada's Team". I don't want a team comprised entirely of Canadians. I prefer to have a global melting pot of awesomeness. We got Jannik Hansen, (who as far as I know is the Prince of Denmark), Daniel and Henrik Sedin (a couple of Swedish twins and two of the games elite), a fucking German in Christian Ehrhoff (so you know we're serious) and one of the best two way warriors in the game, America's Ryan Kesler. If you asked me if I'd rather have Canadian Liam Reddox or Ryan Kesler, I'd take the Keslord every time.


(Beast Mode! Fucking guy cries blood, how do you not get behind that!?)

Kesler represents everything right with the game of hockey, regardless of what city he plays in. And we got him on our side. His heart, work ethic and determination makes me wish he was Canadian, but that doesn't change the stat I just made up that 26 women got impregnated just by watching his post game highlights during the Nashville series.

The fan base is a study in itself, with a perceived persecution complex relating to having failed to win a Stanley Cup in the first 40 years of the franchise and only two trips to the final. There's been conspiracy theories which even extend to members of the media that the NHL, especially Gary Bettman, doesn't want Vancouver to win.

He looks like Count Chocula. His evil motives shouldn't even have to be questioned.

To try and dodge a bullet and shuck off some the forthcoming fire against him, "The likes of you" drags in a Finnish NHL correspondent (Vesa Rantanen) who lives in Vancouver to make some arguments on the basis that he is able to be objective and detached EVEN THOUGH "The Likes of You" mentions that they are good friends. Yep, just two thick peas, in a pod built out of horseshit.

"How Canadian a city is Vancouver to start with?" he suggested. "It never snows. It never freezes. The city is not known about any real Canadian thing.

"I don't get it. They don't dogsled, they can start their cars in the morning...uhh...there's a beach. I don't see how it is a Canadian city at all"

My sincerest apologies for not living up to Canadian stereotypes. Oh, and it does snow. I challenge your Finnish ass to a snowball fight next January. You aren't gonna get pegged in the head with an illusion, partner.

My man Rantanen was just getting warmed up.

It's just as much about this edition of the team as anything, he suggested. "Count the Canadian players on the first power play unit. Zero!" he said of twin Swedish superstars, a top-three defence featuring a Finn, a Swede and a German, as well as the team's points leader in these playoffs, an American.

"There is only one Canadian star, Roberto Luongo, who is a) a goalie, b) Italian, c) from Quebec and people think he's a showoff, a playoff failure, a selfish loser and probably way too good looking, too," he said.

Did I mention that my highly-respected international media mate has a reputation for blunt honesty?

You did, right before you were about to mention you two go on tandem bike rides and discuss at great length how awesome it is to be so wrong, so often. Oh, and by the way, our powerplay, foreign as it may be, is still playing hockey. If there is a penalty where the Oilers play right now you lose a stroke. Face!

"The team's biggest Canadian heroes are Stan Smyl and Trevor Linden who never played first violin for Team Canada"

I officially dare you to say another unkind word about Trevor Linden. Go ahead. Fucking....dare you. I also seem to remember beloved Edmonton icon Wayne Gretzky retiring a New York Ranger after leaving over a decade prior. Strange he didn't take a one year deal to come back to Edmonton, what with that statue of him that was erected there. Sure he was the greatest to play the game, but you can't claim him by building statues, Edmonton. Even the mix tapes I make for ex girlfriends thinks that's sad.

(Beloved is beloved. Heroes are Heroes. No matter how many cups are won)

"The Vancouver Canucks really have no Canadian hockey history whatsoever," he concluded.

Some of that.

All of that.

Why the Vancouver Canucks are not Canada's Team is definitely in there somewhere.

In response to this, who better to consult with than a map?

Vancouver.....yep most definitely in Canada. Most definitley the last team playing. They don't play for a country, they play for a city, that just happens to be in a country.

Vancouver Head Coach Alain Vigneault recently said in response to a similar article that he doesn't care if they are "Canada's team". All he cares about is the fact that he knows they are "B.C.'s team" and that is all that matters.

Testify, AV!

I'm going out on a limb here and speaking on behalf of the majority of Canucks fans (at least those that live in my apartment building, whom I asked about your article while awkwardly getting my mail)

We don't want to be Canada's team. The pompous attitude of declaring to be the hopes of an entire country just doesn't sit right with us because...we have more than you do. No surfing in Edmonton? Sad for you. No Beautiful beaches in Edmonton? Sad for you. Thank heavens you guys have golf courses, cause without those I'd hate to think about your players having to practice hockey year round. To think of all those high draft picks you might lose if you moved up in the standings.

Enough with the chatter, there is still a Blog Off challenge to be issues and what better way to get psyched for what probably isn't going to happen then looking at a comparison of the two combatants? Keep in mind, he has an editor and doesn't write his shit at 4 am so he probably has a slight edge in punctuation, grammer, spellling and all that nerdy shit that is irrelevant if you write with passion.

Terry Jones The Likes of You

Height: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Hometown: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada (I'm guessing)
Currently Resides in: The 1980s (when the Oilers meant something)
Favorite Cereal: No idea. Count Chocula?
Is Currently Aware That The Oilers Are Eliminated:  Probably
Favorite Scandanavian Country: Finland
Finishing Move: "The Finnish Lightning Rod".
Facebook Friends: Unkown
Twitter Followers: 3,448
Favorite Sport: 1980s Oilers hockey
Stance on Tom Waits: Unknown
Favorite Side of the Rocky Mountains: East
Loves his mum: I'd like to think so, yeah.
Favorite thing about Edmonton: Delusionally calling themselves "The City of Champions"
Favorite Country No Longer In Existence: Prussia
Number of Vancouver Canucks Jerseys: 0
Favorite Gene Hackman Movie: Welcome to Mooseport
Currently Writing: Exciting Oilers NHL draft pick previews


j.Bowman (AKA j.Bowmancouver)

Height: 6'2 (and 8/16ths) 
Weight: 220lbs
Hometown: Vancouver, British Columbia Canada
Currently Resides in: well my name isn't "jedmonton" now is it? 
Favorite Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Charms 
Is Currently Aware That The Oilers Are Eliminated:  Canada has 1 team left 
Favorite Scandanavian Country: Denmark (I love Mon Danish peeps) 
Finishing Move: "The Van-City Slicker" (flying kneedrop).
Facebook Friends: 334 
Twitter Followers: 31...(okay he kicked my ass on that one - jB) 
Favorite Sport: Hockey 
Stance on Tom Waits: His voice sounds like one of my ex girlfriends looks LINK
Favorite Side of the Rocky Mountains: West 
Loves his mum: sans question
Favorite thing about Edmonton: ...Colin Fraser plays there. Apparently he's a good dude. 
Favorite Country No Longer In Existence: Constantinople 
Number of Vancouver Canucks Jerseys: 9
Favorite Gene Hackman Movie: Crimson Tide 
Currently Writing: Overly emotional response to someone calling out my cities hockey team.

In the interest of fairness and good sportsmanship, I would like to plug his twitter right now. Terry Jones Twitter You can read the article that got me all up in a tizzy if you like, here. The man has many credentials and has been covering sports in this country since nearly 20 years before I was born. I respect his right to voice his opinion, but unfortunately for him....I got that same right, and I love arguments. So I'll put my money where my keyboard is, both of which currently reside in Vancouver. I've said my piece. You have 30 Days.
*THWAP* (this is the sound of my glove hitting your face. It's a duel)

You have been formally challenged. What say "The likes of you"? 

Thanks for Reading
- jB

Also, I doubt I'll be taken seriously with only 31 Twitter followers (...or with grammatical errors...or all the cussin') but you can help the cause by following @jbowmancouver on "the twitters". Fairly certain that is what the kids are calling it. Kids are dumb though...

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