Saturday, June 11, 2011

Irrational Fear of the Month: June

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all Monpeeps who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about Mascots.

Some might think me an enfeebled little girl to be afraid of such warm and fun-loving characters as mascots. Look closer Monpeeps, and let the intoxicating aroma of uncertainty flow through you and join my cause. What they are allowed to get away with in the name of hijinx is just the start of it. One minute they are shooting t-shirts out of a cannon, the next minute they are trying to eat one of the kids from "Glee"

Imagine if you saw a bunch of mascots on TV robbing a bank with guns. Most people would first think that it was a hilarious publicity stunt or something before their second thought ("holy shit, this isn't a joke") takes the wheel. Probably longer if their escape involved a series of strategically placed trampolines.

Not having to show your face means that it's up to that individual person to act accordingly. Some people are good. Most people are bastards. As cynical as that "aphorism" is ( word of the day) the evidence is everywhere. I prefer to be able to identify my attackers in a police lineup should the situation arise. How do I know the person in the costume isn't someone whose girlfriend I stole once? (Aside from obvious reasons). All I would see if a goofy grin, a bright costume then black....and then the inside of an ambulance. How do you know when a mascot is serious? You don't until it's too late.

(It would be nice if this were a divorced father secretly trying to reconnect with his son, but I think that kid is probably in danger)

There is this backwards and scary mythology that comes along with mascots. Rather than just admit it's a dude or a lady in a costume, some elaborate backstory is created to explain why a giant bug needs to ride a vespa across a large wooden floor or why an Ape needs to jump through a flaming hoop and dunk a basketball. Actually, that sounds pretty fucking awesome.

(And it is! No explanation required!)

Wanting to understand my enemies should I ever need to battle them, I took to my archives (wikipedia) for extensive research (9 minutes of reading, 4 hours of youtube video). I have uncovered the following noteworthy infobits:

Bernie Brewer (MLB Brewers) - "Following each home run and every victory by the Brewers, he would slide down and plunge himself into a huge beer mug in celebration" (alchoholism)

Dinger (MLB Colorado) - No real interesting backstory here, just a bedazzled triceratops that promotes literacy in the offseason.

Mariner Moose (MLB Seattle) -  "He also nearly ran over Red Sox player Coco Crisp with his ATV in 2007, raising the ire of Red Sox pitching coach John Ferrell"

(Yeah, sure. Give him an ATV. Great idea!)

Detroit Tigers mascot "Paws" has maybe the greatest wiki writeup ever - "Paws is the mascot of the Detroit Tigers. He is a Tiger." That is it. That's all it says!

Parrot the Pirate (Pittsburgh MLB) - "The original Pirate Parrot, Kevin Koch, was a key contributor to the Pittsburgh drug trials, buying cocaine and introducing it to several players, and even going as far as introducing the players to the drug dealers he bought the cocaine from" (That's real btw I didn't make it up)

Boltman (San Diego NFL) - There was no real write up on him. I will have to write one: "Boltman is a roided up lightning bolt". Perfect
(Pictured: A lightning bolt with low self esteem)

Iceburgh (Pittsburgh NHL) - Iceburgh was known as "Icey" in the 1995 film Sudden Death starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. In the movie, Iceburgh's costume was worn by one of the villains. (presumeably because he knows he can get away with anything cause nobody expects a mascot to start murdering folks)

And don't get me started on the Charlotte Bobcats mascot. What a prick that guy is. Look at this video of him cheap-shotting the San Antonio Spurs Coyote. It sure would be nice if he got his comeuppance...

BAM! Another thing about mascots that keeps me up at night is the fact that they are so goddamn athletic in those cumbersome costumes. How can that not secretly terrify you? If it came down to a 1 on 1 mano e costumo between me and a mascot, I would get my ass kicked. They're doing flips and handstands and shit and I can't even get up from my bed if I lie down while wearing jeans. Human dude and former WWF Champion Shawn Michaels doesn't let the comfort of denim stop him from doing what need to be done.

(That furry bastard had it coming)

It bothers me how effortlessly people wearing giant costumes can dunk basketballs. This is where I would say that "well, you know I could easily dunk a basketball if I jumped off a trampoline first" but I don't beleive that to be true. I would probably crash into the backboard and then follow that up with an epic stream of tears while all my ex girlfriends watch from the front row. That is exactly how it would go.

(He may be good in the paint, but nothing can match the perimeter shooting of Reggie Miller)

Also, as evident by my google image searching and what I've seen with my own two eyes: THE LADIES GO WILD FOR MASCOTS! And that's a problem. First off, their muscles are huge and they are good with kids. Having giant calves and hating all things childlike puts me at an incredible disadvantage. Also, they have cool secret identities. A mascot could totally grope a woman and get away with it because A) It's hilarious apparently 2) There isn't a human face to put on the sexual harassment lawsuit. Not that there would be one, cause as I said: ladies seem to love mascots and their antics.

(Though their uptight religious fathers don't approve...but they don't know him like she does!)

Next time you are at a sports game, just watch. Odds are good at some point a mascot is going to try and steal the wife of a good, honest, flesh and blood man. It's going to happen. Hell, there is even a subsect of sexual perversion called "furries" can just urban dictionary that when you're old enough. I don't care to explain it. Just trust that someone you possibly know is turned on by the wrong thing in this picture.

(Craigslist is full of 'em....apparently)

(Picture this...only several hours and many drinks later)

(Why does a tree have a mouth and why is it tossing salad?)

(that is the strongest example of a swoon I've ever seen)

(Alright, now you are just showing off)

(Canucks mascot Fin with Pam Anderson. Sex tape forthcoming)

Another thing about those heads that bother me? You can't tell at all what their expression is underneath. They could just be getting angrier and angrier by the day, ready to snap at a moments notice. And all you'd see is the shit eating grin of an adorable cartoon come to life. Then this happens:

(Might've seen it coming if you could tell how on edge he was)

But you know what is even scarier than the blank, gleeful face of a potentially murderous mascot? The ones who have a fixed expression that illuminates the rest of the world of their hidden rage and frustration. So commited are these mascots to being fierce that they decide no joys on this earth will satiate their feelings of anger and resentment.

(....god help whoever done him wrong)

(You see this eagle? If you think he has honest intentions with those trophies you deserve to die)

I don't mind mascots that are ACTUAL animals. I pride myself on being able to tell what animals are thinking most of the time. Turns out, a lot of them think about freedom. Except for cats. They just think about showing their butthole to people who are trying to eat dinner. An added bonus of legitimate animal mascots is the possibility that it's gonna take a poo and someone is going to have to pick it up in front of 14,000 people.

(Which everyone in the stadium would love to see. Dog included)

The only other mascots I trust are "human dude" mascots. Because they are just that, simply, human dudes. The Boston Celtics mascot is called "Lucky the Leprecaun" (even though he is of regular height and thus, not at all leprecaunish) and he is a dude whom I can tell from his emotions whether or not I need to run from him, easily.

(Mascots of Boston. I only trust one of them in this picture)

(He also doesn't put up with Stormtrooper bullshit...which nerds everywhere can respect)

("Clever Girl")

But continueing down this slippery slope of scary, are the mascots that are meant to RESEMBLE human dudes. These are the things straight out of nightmares. What with their exaggerated features and big dead eyes. I can buy maybe letting an animal mascot with a michievious look off the hook. Maybe all Rams just naturally look like they are planning shit.

And perhaps all turtles are just a shoulder to cry on until the opportunity to take advantage and cop a feel presents itself.

("I know, he's an asshole. You know who isn't an asshole? My junk")

But when you commit to having a giant human dude mascot, you need to pick an expression that is very recognizable amongst it's species. The Pittsburgh Steelers (whom I love) have a mascot named (ugh) "Steely McBeam" who seems to have an expression I can't really explain. But it's wrong. I know that.

(Ben Roethlisberger approved)

Or there is the Cleveland Cavaliers...Cavalier. Whose costume designers knew the fans would openly mock him on a nightly basis.

("C'mon you guys, knock it off! I have a sword!")

Or this Pirate who is just as surprised as you are that he's about to kill you.

("I didnt think I had it in me")

Mascots are also incredibly prone to lashing out against each other and human dudes with violent outbursts of violence. Even though there are humans inside the costumes, under much stress and probably heat and stank, they let animal instincts take over and when that happens, nobody is safe. Mascot on Mascot violence is okay as far as I'm concerned, so long as both costumes end up destroyed beyond recognition.

(In a word? "Fuckingintense")

Human dudes sometimes stand up to their plush enemies and fight back, as manly men are known to do.

(The only thing a soccer player has ever done that I approve of)

(Normally I think chaps are totally gay, but Human Dude mascot has my respect)

Before I sign off, I'd like to check in on that psychotic cougar again.

(Yep, still the most unsettling thing I've seen in awhile. His eyes just scream "you're next")

When the great mascot uprising of 2014 happens, I will defend you. Do not worry. You'll know me when you see me. I'll be the human standing between adorable monsters and choas. I'll be the dude who will defend the innocent and Danish from harm. I'll be the human dude with the gun. No-wait! A sword. No! A sword and a crossbow.

 (Everything I need in one easy to open package)

Thanks for Reading


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