Monday, March 14, 2011

Irrational Fear of the Month: March

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all Monpeeps who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about mannequins.

Webster's Dictionary defines Mannequins as "fucked up, souless and wrong". I have to give them credit for not pulling their punches on that one. They nailed it. Mannequins are creepy as hell. They come in many different sizes and shapes (with the option to have heads/limbs missing) and although I can sorta see the point of them, that doesn't mean I'm not secretly terrified of them. Secret's out now though, and those plastic bastards have been put on notice: I don't trust them, and I will never be caught off guard if they decide to come to life and attack.

(Remember: you can't kill what you can't outdress. They are WEARIN' those suits)

Recently, during a television cultural exchange, I made an arrangement with good friend and web series rival C.Baxter to swap some shows we were each fans to the other person. I suggested he watch "Avatar: The Last Airbender" (it's fantastic, don't judge) and he suggested I watch "Doctor Who". An accord was reached and when I saw the pilot for Doctor Who I immediately texted him regarding an irrational but very real fear I have. The threat in the first episode?

The first episode deals with a bunch of Mannequins that come to life and kill a bunch of people, all the while of course not showing any emotion on their faces. They kill like I date: completely devoid of feelings. (just kidding ladies. I got feelings and stuff. I've seen the Notebook)

(Love is never having to shave an epic beard while stealing someone's fiance)

We have had complete control over mannequins for a loooooong time. We've dressed them up however we wanted (often times in stupid clothes) and positioned them in any way we deemed appropriate to hock our wares. Well I've got a sneaking suspicion that they aren't inanimate so much as they are very very patient. After watching the Kim Cattrall film "Mannequin" I have decided to protect myself from any girl wearing way too much makeup, for I believe she might be a mannequin in disguise infiltrating first: my pants, second: our society.

(The day this was released, February 13th, 1973, their plan was made clear.) *

Avoiding the obvious threat of hybrid human/mannequin babies is easy. Just watch that movie and it will completely turn you off of the concept on having a "Weekend at Bernie's" style tryst with someone who is technically no alive a lot of the time. But even though we've taken steps to keep them from reproducing on their own (we gave them all Ken parts) sometimes even love is too strong for mannequins to overcome.

(As someone who is terrified of feelings and mannequins...this is the super bowl of scary for me)

(NOTE: I was going to put a picture of a Male mannequin without his reproductive bits and I was gonna make a joke about it. However I almost finished typing "Male nude mannequin" into my google image search before I realized that once I search for that, I can't un-search for it and the next time someone uses my computer to look up "Ma-"anything I'm gonna have some explaining to do. I don't like explaining, it gets in the way of breakfast)

Another thing about mannequins that I find unsettling is that a lot of work goes into them, and they could essentially wear whatever expression required, but they all kinda have that otherworldly smugness look going on. That means either someone intentially made them to look like they are planning something OR they were made with generic faces and over time...have been planning something. Either way, I am uncomfortable. I don't know their agenda and that is something we should all be wary of. I make sure the world knows it everytime I leave the house in my sweet t-shirt (available on
(Even with nearly 20,000 views, no way is j.B.C.S. big enough to have merch)

When it comes to the creating of mannequins, I don't imagine a happy, social environment. I just can't picture and assembly line full of whistling employees screwing on arms and legs. Everytime I see a mannequin, I can't help but think of the lonely, solitary weirdo who was commissioned to make it in a desolate room somewhere all by himse- PERFECT!

(An evil mastermind toils away at his androgynous army. Elsewhere, people live good lives)

Mannequins are used in entertainment often to provide a creepy atmosphere. "Supernatural" is a TV show where essentially two brothers come across monsters and ghosts and all sorts of fucked up shit per episode. It's basically like the X-Files but with two Mulders. Young, hip Mulders. One look at a mannequin however, and all of a sudden a couple of dudes who fought mirror ghosts and werewolves lose their shit.

There has to be something to that. After doing 49 seconds of internet research, I recalled in the cinema classic "The Hills Have Eyes" that the entire town is populated by mannequins. Think about that from a production design standpoint. It could've been a deserted town, but no.

"This scene just isn't working. Sure they are alone in the middle of nowhere and that's kinda creepy, but you know what's creepier than the loneliness and isolation of being the only living thing in a hundred mile radius?"

(They will escape. You will die)

"I Am Legend", another prime example. Will Smith has moved out from his auntie and uncle in Bel Air, and now resides in a completely deserted New York City. There are a few lions and deer just hanging around and of course there are legions of bloodthirsty murderous vampire mutants who go apeshit at night...but it just needed to add a little touch of creepy so they added mannequins. He uses them as stand-ins for real people and has conversations with them to keep from going crazy. However at one point the vampire mutants use one of them (Fred) to fuck with Will Smith and creep him the hell out. It totally worked btw, because even vampire mutants can appreciate the use of mannequins to destroy someone mentally.

(Well played, vampire mutants)

At least the majority of mannequins around have all of their limbs and shit attached. It's really unnsettling to see the ones with their heads chopped off. Although some people apparently find it arousing.

(Mental note: BUY THAT EXACT OUTFIT. Don't even need a head to get bitches)

But at least when they are missing a head you can still kinda see a purpose to them and you don't have to ask yourself and strange questions like, oh I dunno:

"How would I look in that skirt if I was the assistant to a really shitty magician?"

(Oddly specific question: answered)

In closing, I just want to let everyone know that if you think you just saw that mannequin move, you may well have and you should report it immediately. Wouldn't you hate to be the one who dropped the ball on the mannequin apocolypse because you weren't irrationally scared enough to do something? Let your local law enforcement know, because they don't fuck around and they will investigate serious claims like that.

("Have you seen this boy...move?")

Thanks for reading

- jB
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