Monday, August 2, 2010

Lou Diamond Philips: A Wikipedia Biography

Who knew Lou Diamond Philips ("sir" to his friends, enemies, therapists) was such an interesting guy? Something about the guy has always seemed awesome, but unplaceable. I couldn't put my finger on it, so I decided to do some exhaustive research (Wikipedia, followed by smores pop tarts....eating the whole box = shame) to lay out some facts about the man formed by compressed coal (Wikipedia'd "diamonds" too. Apparently people kill for them).

The facts are as true as my comments about them are stupid. Here we goooooooo......

- LDP is 1/8 cherokee. 1/8 people haven't seen Young Guns.

- "Lou Diamond Philips" is NOT his real name. It's actually "Lou Diamond Upchurch". Wait, what?

- His character's name in "The Big Hit" was "Cisco". Which of course is spanish for "that guy just wont fucking die!"

- After divorcing his first wife, she went on to have a lesbian relationship with Melissa Etheridge, thus proving once you go Lou Diamond, you never go back.

- He played King Arthur on stage in "Camelot". Of course he fucking did!(pictured: No Brainer)

- After 24 days in the jungle, was declared the winner of the reality show "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here". The show was supposed to last 40 days, but after 24 the producers realized he was the only celebrity there, and complied with his demand to get out of there.

- Plays "Colonal Telford" on "Stargate Universe". Somewhere there is a huge Stargate nerd saying "YEAH HE DOES!"

- Autobiography is called "A Diamond Philips in the Rough: The Life and times of Lou Diamond Philips". This is the best fucking thing ever in the history of anything.

- Was once engaged to Jennifer Tilly, but then he regained his hearing, heard her speak and that was the end of that.

- Is good friends with Keifer Sutherland. Also good friends with Keifer Sutherland: Drunken Misdemeanors. AT THIS POINT IN MY RESEARCH (LIVE AT 2:41 am.) I DISCOVERED HE WAS ARRESTED FOR DOMESTIC BATTERY IN 2006.

So fuck this guy. Lou Diamond Upchurch, you died in my eyes today sir.

From this day forth the only thing I will "Stand and Deliver" is a "Big Hit" to your "La Bamba" with my foot. (he was also in movies called "Extreme Justice" and "A Show of Force" but those jokes were too easy) There is one final thing we need to know about Lou Diamond Philips....

He's planning something.
thanks for reading


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