Friday, August 27, 2010

An Open Letter to Andrew L. Urban & Micheal Ordona

Dear Andrew L. Urban & Michael Ordono,

Fuck you. Both of you. Seriously. I cannot believe you both are published film critics and you are the only two that gave positive reviews for the movie "Vampires Suck" (that godawful Twilight parody, sadly in theatres now and for another week probably). What happened to you in your cinematic childhoods that have you wired so completely backwards? Did Forrest Gump touch you inappropriately? (that movie touched a lot of people, not all have come forward). Did the Empire never strike back even though they promised they would? Did Jurassic Park take you to a pro sporting event and then leave you with a mob enforcer as collateral as they went off to try and sell your ticket to settle a gambling debt? (happened to this guy I knew who although he looks and sounds exactly like me, is not me). Seriously, what do you two assholes have against good movies?

Now while I haven't seen "Vam-"....the movie in question (it will henceforth be referred to is "that shitty thing that happened"), I don't feel I have to see it to review it. You didn't have to see it either. Did you want to? Are you "cine-masochists"? I have watched tons of bad movies. I love them. Not only do they make you wonder just how in the hell they got made, they make you appreciate the "Shawshank Redemption's" of the world that just want a little lovin' touchin' and squeezin'. While "Ghost Rider" made me laugh, it's still shit. I know it is. I can recognize it. But while that might be a blip on the bad movie radar, "That shitty thing that Happened" is a nuclear bomb of horrid. I don't have to see a nuke go off. I get it, it's devastating.

It's not like we didn't see this coming. Friedman and Seltzer (the guys that made that shitty thing happen) have been doing this for years. Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, all of it is these guys' fault. They are raping the spoof genre and when you gave "That Shitty Thing That Happened" positives reviews, you are guarding the door. Might not be doing the damage, but you're just as guilty. You should be thrown in "movie jail", but you'd probably just end up watching "Cool as Ice" and giving it positive reviews before you converted to islam. (Too much of this is awesome to call attention to one specific part. I've actually seen it. Hilarious)

I don't wanna tell you how to do your jobs, but I'm going to. Here is what a review for "That Shitty Thing That Happened" should look like:

"Fuck that movie, I didn't see it. But it's awful"

See? yeah THAT'S a review. I don't believe this to be a simple matter of "humor is subjective" and "everyone is entitled to their own opinion". Your opinions should not be printed if they are in support of a movie that has changed the main characters name from "Edward Cullen" to "Edward Sullen". Do you- do you get it? DO YOU GET THE JOKE?!?! CAUSE HE POUTS!?!?! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!. And then two writers got paid millions for that idea while I quietly weep for future generations.
(NOTE: This is normally where I would post a picture from "That Shitty Thing That Happened" and make fun of it in some way. However I hate that thing so much, I figure a nice Lizzy Caplan break is more beneficial to my wellbeing and your personal safety)
(ahhh. Feel much better now)

Now Andrew, I know you write for "Urban Cinefile", which gives you about as much clout as I have here with my readership of 4, But Michael Ordona you write for the "L.A. Times". According to my consulting of a globe, that's in Los Angeles.....where they make movies. You should know better. Even Shaq is laughing at you from atop his mountain of bad decisions.
(It was either this, or "Shaq Fu". Either would have worked, but him playing a rapping genie is too much not to call attention to whenever I can)

In closing, I just want to say that you are about as much film critics as I am a park bench. Not at all. I honestly feel like if I showed you the first 10 minutes of "Up" your heads would explode (just like my tear ducts explode all over my face). You know that empty place in your heart is? The void that was left there the last time you got your heart broken? That's right where "Up" moves into, and it's there to stay.(Although this is a touching moment, something tells me some bad shit's about to go down)

I was gonna put a spoiler warning on that, but a) it's in the first 10 minutes. b) It's been over a year and if you haven't seen "Up" by now you have no soul.

Thanks for reading.


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