- Channel 6: "Illegally Yours" a 1988 comedy starring Rob Lowe. Awesome storyline: "Rob Lowe as a juror infatuated with an accused murderer". One star. No shit.
- Channel 9: "Shaq vs." This show always comes through with something insane. In this episode, the second season finale, Shaq competes in a dance challenge with Justin Bieber AND competes in a monologue faceoff with Jimmy Kimmel on "Jimmy Kimmel Live". How do I not watch this?!?!?!
-- Who lets 9 year old girls into a press conference?
-- Bieber sounds hungover. Voice is gone. Said he had a late night last night. So....10:30?
-- Nobody asks the hard journalistic questions like 9 year old girls.
-- Justin Bieber asked for his final thoughts on the competition: Says nothing, knocks over microphone, stares at Shaq.
--They go bowling. Trick shot style. Bieber: "this shot is called the free throw, I bet you can't hit this one". Then he just stares at Shaq to make sure he heard him. Kid's got balls.
-- Shaq comes out on Jimmy Kimmel wearing a silk shirt, that probably doubles as a sail on a pimp's pirate ship
(His character in Kazaam had great depth. He wasn't just a genie, he rapped too)- Channel 12: "White Collar" airs it's first season finale. I've never heard of this show, but apparently Neal and Alex paired up (FINALLY!) to go after the elusive music box at the Italian Consulate. Meanwhile, "Peter asks Diana to help him get rid of Fowler". Peter you dick, FOWLER = RATINGS!
- Channel 13: "America's Got Talent". You know what America also has? A lot of time on their hands.
- Channel 18: Weather Network. It's raining (repeat)
- Channel 20: America's Funniest Home Videos. How the hell is this still on while Arrested Development gets cancelled?!
- Channel 22 (sportsnet pacific) - "A 1999 hockey game resulting in a 4-4 tie between Catholic Central and Trenton is replayed 10 years later". It'd be better if the same two teams met 10 years later to settle it. You know what is worse than a tie in sports? Knowing about it beforehand.
- Channel 27: "Science and Islam" Sounds way too controversial. Moving on...
- 28: Glee - blah blah blah SONG blah blah blah kid in a wheel chair blah blah blah cheerleading coach is a bitch blah blah blah SONG. Next week: repeat the same formula, only backwards...and with Josh Groban.
- Channel 32 - "Roast of Larry the Cable Guy" - Unless this is just people continually walking up to the mic and saying "You're fucking awful", it's not an honest roast.
- Channel 34 - "19 Kids and counting". Not a profile on promiscuous sports stars. Next!
- Channel 35: "Let's talk about Pep". A reality show starring Pepa from "Salt n' Pepa". After watching for 3 minutes, I realized all the songs I thought were by "Salt n' Pepa" were actually done by either TLC or En Vogue, so fuck that. Apparently the show "chronicles her return from a four year hibernation as she attempts to recapture love and fame in New York City" It's adorable that this show thinks Pepa was a) relevant in 2006 and 2) it's a big deal she has come out of hibernation.
- Channel 42: "Destroyed in Seconds" "A silo collapses onto a tractor and its driver; a dropped grenade kicks off massive explosions; a race car crashes; a plane crashes near a baseball game". Also, boobs probably (that would've been a great sequel to "Love Actually")
- Channel 49: "Man v. Food". Been there before. I have no desire to watch someone go through what I went through on "all you can eat sushi" night.
- Channel 50: "King of the Hill". Did anyone ever like King of the Hill? I've only met one person who did and she sucked.
- Channel 53: "Stargate". Fuck yeah, when was the last time you watched Stargate? Not the 40 or so ass TV shows, the real deal? The 1994 Kurt Russel asskicking thrill ride? It's.................
(2 hours later)
...............not as good as you remember.
(And I still have no idea what sex this character is supposed to be. "Shim" will have to suffice for now)Thanks for reading
-jB
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