Saturday, August 28, 2010

B.P.S. Vol 3 - Job hunting on craigslist

For the latest "Bullet Point Summary" I have decided to focus on the hour and a half I spent on craigslist looking for a new job. I have always feared job hunting on craigslist. It seems that every porn career probably started out with a craigslist jobsearch or at least had one involved before someone took "the plunge" (oddly, not a name of a porn movie)

- Build a Bear workshop description promises "Un-bear-lieveable" opportunitities. I can come up with cute bear puns too. Try this one on for size: "why don't you grizzly go fuck yourselves?"

- Typo's can really hurt job postings. Especially when you are asking people to apply for a position in "New Westmonster, BC". Cowards need not apply.

- Bead store sales representative. "Must have a passion for beads". It's okay to like them, but if you have a passion for beads, you've botched your life. Unless you are at mardi gras and you have to earn them.

- Florist wanted. Maybe I could be like, a badass florist. That's be cool.

- posting in squamish for "Random Clothing store". I love it already, it knows it's place in the world.

- Whenever I see "valid drivers license and heavy lifting may be required", I immediately believe the job is "disposing of bodies for the mafia"

- saw a job posting for "S.W.A.T." got excited. Found out it stood for "Special Workforce Action Team". Got less excited (the word action is still in there, so that's something at least)

- A Kitchen store in Kitsilano named "Call the Kettle Black" is hiring. Hypocrites preferred.

- posting for "Smoothie Master". Guess I've finally reached the porn ones.

- Would consider applying and "Black and Lee Tuxedos" but only if I could specialize in magicians

- "Potters Monsters" haunted house in surrey is looking for people. Job description: "No acting experience is necessary, but the job requires a desire to do your best. Acting in a haunted house can be both fun and rewarding. The power you have over people looking to be frightened can be very exhilarating". They are currently only hiring security guards and parking attendants. Being a parking attendant at a haunted house is step 5 on the "7 things that have to happen for me to consider killing myself" list.

- "Fitness Model" req. = "Girl on sex chat commercial" req.

- Qualifications to work at Playlands "Fright Night" haunted house: Grade 11 complete, good knowledge of the halloween industry, ability to wear a costume.

- Mall Santa's make $25/hr. What the fuck?!?!

- "Wanted: Cheese Lovers". Sadly, I only like cheese as a friend. Relish on the other hand....

- Hardest job for a man to get: Lingerie salesperson
Equivalent difficulty job for a woman to get: Male model.

- Store Manager posting for "The Urban Tea Merchant". I was going to apply but sadly their company slogan is not "We got tea, muthafucka!" so I guess I will continue my search.

- Waiting for the day I log on and see "Sam Elliot's mustache groomer" as a posted job. Sadly, this will never be cause that shit grooms itself.(Nobody has ever needed my help less)

Thanks for reading


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