Monday, July 5, 2010

This Week In Nerd Rage: Episode I - Wonder Woman's "new" origin.

As is the standard, few will care...

On July 4th 2010 I came across an article on "" (what? I read that site all the time). The article in question mentions how one of the DC Comics "big three" is getting a new series with a new costume AND a "new" origin story. The character they are talking about is Wonder Woman. I'm pretty sure she is included in the big 3 (Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman) plainly as an affirmative action initiative. She sucks, and has always sucked.

I don't dislike the character because she is a woman and admittedly I haven't read alot (any) of her comics. I'm pretty sure they all deal with her going around and cheating on guys by making out with other guys at clubs, then lying about it. Also she has an invisible jet and a rope that makes you tell the truth. Oh and she's a princess who runs around dressed like a very patriotic prostitute.

 (If you don't like the truth, put down your truth rope)

Now from my understanding, her origin story WAS that she was a princess of an amazonian warrior tribe who was casted out for some reason or another. That's all well and good. I don't really care. However in order to revamp the character, a "new" origin was created for her. According to DC Comics: In the re-imagining of her story, Wonder Woman, instead of growing up on Paradise Island with her mother, Queen Hippolyta, and her Amazon sisters, is smuggled out as a baby when unknown forces destroy her home and slaughter its inhabitants. Bitch stole Superman's history. Unbelievable!

 I've actually come up with my own alternate Wonder Woman origin:

Wonder Woman was born on a distant planet that blew up for some reason. As a baby she was sent off on a spaceship before the planet ate shit. Her spacecraft...which was invisible btw... hurdled towards earth at blinding speeds. Before it got there, it was bombarded with cosmic rays for some reason, giving her 4 deadly womanly powers (Manipulation, looking good in thigh high boots, pretending she didn't receive text messages and shopping). Most of these powers lay dormant until a later accident involving...let's say gamma rays. Upon her arrival on earth, she is adopted by a billionaire couple, who raise her like she is their own. Unfortunately they get shot to death in an alley cause she was too much of a wimp to watch a fucking opera. They leave her all their money and her own slave kinda evens out. She grows up, has a gamma ray accident and becomes Wonder Woman. Then a dying alien gives her a powerful green ring that entitles her to half of his shit if he ever cheats on her or dies, which he does immediately after giving it to her. She also gets bitten by a radioactive hooker on the 4th of july. The End.

I gotta say, I think I nailed it. In writing this I realized that almost every superhero has some tragedy involving dead parental figures in their origin. Kinda makes you want to go to an orphanage, and just to cheer the kids up, let them know that all the hardships they have faced are part of a wicked origin story. If you were a horrible person, that is what you'd do.

thanks for reading


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