Blog Off 2011: Frustration by way of Ottoman

Monpeeps, how delightful it is to see you again. I'm doing well. Just sitting here at 5 am drinking a beer and listening to ABBA. I still haven't decided if my life is awesome or pathetic. If I can find a way to legitimately make a cause for both, I will.

Round 5. This is why all bloggers get out of bed in the morning. Well, this and the fact that they have to go to their normal people jobs because unless you are Perez H-....that guy, you don't make a fucking cent doing this. I suppose you could, but the moment I sell out and activate "Google Adsense" on my blog, the doors open to all sorts of lawsuits because of all the pictures and videos I use on the blog without anyones permission. I don't need that money, I have a perfectly respectable drug dealing operation that pays the bills. We've been showing excellent 3rd quarter earnings and our projected growth into mid 2012 should show fantastic returns. (I feel the need to clarify I am joking) Drugs are bad. Unless they keep people from eating other peoples faces. Those drugs can stay.

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE
For Round 3: A Review read it HERE
For Round 4: Opponent's Choice (Shakesperean Rules) read it HERE

For the 5th and final Round of the 2011 Blog Off, Brent and I decided to each submit 5 topics for a "Random Wheel of Bullshit". I put them on two pieces of paper, spun an empty whiskey bottle on my kitchen floor and that is how we determined what we would write for the epic final battle between two guys who have no real gripe with each other.

Brent's topic: "How the Game of Life is Complete Bullshit"

My Topic:

Ottoman's: The Footstools, not the Empire

(Ottoman's: Conquering Relaxation since the 1800s)

Blog Off 2011: The Appeal of Lizzy Caplan (Opponents Choice)

Monpeeps, what is vertical? Yeah, I absolutely agree that sounded really stupid and I have decided to never use that again. "What is up" is just so damn classic. If it ain't broke, don't fix it (looking at you, Facebook) or as my main muppet says "If it ain't bork, don't fix it".

(* This is normally where I would put a picture of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, but for reasons I will get to immediately after this sentence, I cannot)

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE
For Round 3: A Review read it HERE

Round 4 of the 2011 Blog Off is upon us and it is conducted under "Shakesperean Rules" which means the men have to play ladies. Oh, also neither me nor Brent are allowed to use pictures in our post, which is totally fine cause now I don't have to show proof that I'm taking this too far and writing this while wearing a dress.

(* This is normally where I would put a picture showing how fucking pretty I look in this dress right now, but I cannot. It's lavender in case you were wondering. With fringe. Recognize!)

Round 4 is also opponents choice, while I have challenged Brent to write a biography of Abraham Lincoln using only haiku poems (so jealous, I was hoping he would challenge me to that) he has decided that he has had enough of me constantly banging the drum for actress Lizzy Caplan and has challenged me to write about why I like her so much WITHOUT using pictures. Oh, and in case you were wondering about my word selection in that last sentence, yes it was intentional to use the words "me", "constantly banging" and "Lizzy Caplan" in a sentence.

(*This is normally where I would put a picture, probably photoshopped, of Me and Lizzy Caplan swinging through the jungle like Tarzan & Jane. Photoshop: giving wimpy dudes muscles since 2003)

Brent's Post is right HERE //
It was well written and fun //
...I got John Wilkes Boothed

I would also like to note that this post is significantly late and because of my lack of meeting deadlines I have been disqualified from a round that I was set to lose anyway. Still gotta write the post though, so the world can see that I would've lost regardless. I fear my true weakness has come through with this post. Not a reliance on pictures or captions, but an agressive stance against obligation. But neither of us is getting paid and this is all for fun (until round 5 where my smear campaign starts) so whatever.

Lizzy Caplan powers initiate!

Lizzy Caplan: Why I Want to Tap That Sass

(*This is normally where I would put a picture of Lizzy Caplan to prove my point instantly, but instead I have decided to write a short poem based on how she looks and in place of all future pictures)

Sassy like Silverman, Wise like Spock

For a chance to date her, I'd gladly fight The Rock

Hotlizabeth Cheryl Caplan ("Lizzy") was born a while ago. Not as long ago as Thomas Jefferson but definitely before my nephew that was just born last weel (something tells me that kid is gonna be HUGE into genocide, so we should all keep an eye on him).

Blog Off 2011: Reviewing This Seasons "Hilarious" Halloween Costumes

Monpeeps, how goes it? The 2011 Blog Off has reached round 3. For no other reason than to add an element of danger to it, I have decided to either dub this "The Lightning Round" or "The hooking up with a married woman whose husband has just pulled into the driveway and your clothes are all the way over there round". Feel free to vote in the comments as to which you feel is more perilous.

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE

For Round 3 me and my opponent have agreed that it should be "A Review". There are so many things out there in the universe that I'm fond of judging (people, places, things....flavors of pop tarts) but for my post here I've decided to focus my attention on something that attempts to force its way into the world of comedy. Fans of comedy AND subtlety should maybe just skip reading this post, because I have decided to review.....

This Years "Hilarious" Halloween Costumes

(Decimate their self esteem at an early age)

Blog Off 2011: The Buffet System is Broken, People!

Monpeeps, it's Round 2 of the 2011 Blog Off (read the original post HERE). As per our agreement, Round 2 is supposed to be a rant. Anyone familiar with this blog knows that I have no shortage of bugs up my ass about trivial things that don't matter to anyone else. This will be a bit of a "rantrospective" of an incident that happened roughly a month ago...and several times before that. Forgot political causes, we need to rise up as one and fix this issue.

I, j.Bowman aka "overly-sensitive jones" aka "the prince of petty" aka "the rantom menace" have a SERIOUS problem with how the buffet system in our society works.

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; August

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE


Class of August 2011:

Backflips

Blog Off 2011: How To Train Your Child To Be The Perfect Moviegoing Companion

Monpeeps, no time for my usual silly hello. This is the Blog Off, Round 1 aka "serious fucking business". It ain't a game no more, I actually have to compete after all my epic forfeit victories. I can tell you already, it is definitely better to have a win handed to you than having to earn it. Anyone who tells you different has never had something just handed to them. Same result, with way more time for screwing around.

Read the Origin of this Blog Feud HERE

Round 1 of the Blog Off/Blog Feud/World Series of Blogging/Blogwar: Beyond Thunderdome is to write a "How-to" post. I'm keeping things well inside my wheelhouse with my entry in this contest, much to the surprise of nobody.

How To Train Your Child To Be The Perfect Moviegoing Companion

Blog Feud IV: j.Bowman vs. ???

Anyone familiar with j.Bowman Can't Sleep knows that I start every month with a new post in a series called "The Irritional Fear of the Month". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. I'm gonna pick a fight.

But to pick a fight every month substantially cheapens causes I'm willing to throw down and fight for. That is why I decided to be more selective when it comes to picking my battles. To only wait until a true opponent pokes his head out of the "tool-shed" just long enough for me to take a shot, and to see if they got the applebees to stand up for what they foolishly believe in. To be patient, and vigilante and not let nonsense and idiocy go unanswered and unavenged.

Well I'm so glad to be so mad, cause that means today is that day.