Friday, September 30, 2011

Blog Off 2011: The Appeal of Lizzy Caplan (Opponents Choice)

Monpeeps, what is vertical? Yeah, I absolutely agree that sounded really stupid and I have decided to never use that again. "What is up" is just so damn classic. If it ain't broke, don't fix it (looking at you, Facebook) or as my main muppet says "If it ain't bork, don't fix it".

(* This is normally where I would put a picture of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, but for reasons I will get to immediately after this sentence, I cannot)

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE
For Round 3: A Review read it HERE

Round 4 of the 2011 Blog Off is upon us and it is conducted under "Shakesperean Rules" which means the men have to play ladies. Oh, also neither me nor Brent are allowed to use pictures in our post, which is totally fine cause now I don't have to show proof that I'm taking this too far and writing this while wearing a dress.

(* This is normally where I would put a picture showing how fucking pretty I look in this dress right now, but I cannot. It's lavender in case you were wondering. With fringe. Recognize!)

Round 4 is also opponents choice, while I have challenged Brent to write a biography of Abraham Lincoln using only haiku poems (so jealous, I was hoping he would challenge me to that) he has decided that he has had enough of me constantly banging the drum for actress Lizzy Caplan and has challenged me to write about why I like her so much WITHOUT using pictures. Oh, and in case you were wondering about my word selection in that last sentence, yes it was intentional to use the words "me", "constantly banging" and "Lizzy Caplan" in a sentence.

(*This is normally where I would put a picture, probably photoshopped, of Me and Lizzy Caplan swinging through the jungle like Tarzan & Jane. Photoshop: giving wimpy dudes muscles since 2003)

Brent's Post is right HERE //
It was well written and fun //
...I got John Wilkes Boothed

I would also like to note that this post is significantly late and because of my lack of meeting deadlines I have been disqualified from a round that I was set to lose anyway. Still gotta write the post though, so the world can see that I would've lost regardless. I fear my true weakness has come through with this post. Not a reliance on pictures or captions, but an agressive stance against obligation. But neither of us is getting paid and this is all for fun (until round 5 where my smear campaign starts) so whatever.

Lizzy Caplan powers initiate!

Lizzy Caplan: Why I Want to Tap That Sass

(*This is normally where I would put a picture of Lizzy Caplan to prove my point instantly, but instead I have decided to write a short poem based on how she looks and in place of all future pictures)

Sassy like Silverman, Wise like Spock
For a chance to date her, I'd gladly fight The Rock

Hotlizabeth Cheryl Caplan ("Lizzy") was born a while ago. Not as long ago as Thomas Jefferson but definitely before my nephew that was just born last weel (something tells me that kid is gonna be HUGE into genocide, so we should all keep an eye on him).

Babies are cute, except when they're evil
My nephew will cause society's upheaval.

I didn't see Lizzy Caplan in any movies or anything until I saw one of the best films of 2004: "Dawn of the Dead". After that movie was over, I saw "Mean Girls" and she was in that. Felt I needed to give a bit of a rub to Dawn of the Dead because it was so fucking awesome, but so was Mean Girls. In the film she played Janice Ian, gothy alternative best friend to Lindsey Lohan. Now, keep in mind this was back when Lohan weighed more than 90 lbs and didn't look like a whore of crack (or "crackwhore" for you traditionalists out there).

Herbie Fully Loaded, The Parent Trap
The thing Lindsey wanted all along was crack.

I didn't find Lizzy Caplan super attractive in the movie. I was like 19 when it came out and it was still within reach for me to cross "goth girl" of my list so I didn't think too much of it. Now, at 26 I fear that I have missed the boat and might never hook up with a goth chick, and that makes me sad in the face. Caplans appeal in that movie though was her sass and her snarkiness, two things I have long been a fan of. Looking back at all my terrible ex-girlfriends, that is the one underlying trait they all share....varying levels of bitchiness. I mean that in a good way. I am a man who likes his ladies with "sassitude". After a while I would discover they were actually just legit bitches and it would be over, but still, the attraction was there and that is what got me on board the Lizzy Caplan train in the first place.

Lizzy Caplan's face, Back to the Future III's train,
I literally cannot wait until I can use pictures again!

I didn't see her pop up in anything for awhile after that. She was in Cloverfield, until she got bit by a bug and those maniacs blew her up (me and Charlton Heston were both equally outraged at this) but she always seemed to have this grounded indifferent vibe to her that I like. I am attracted to confidence, simple as that. Strong ladies are where it is at. Nothing like a good fight sometimes, you know?

Sass and strength are sexy, but that does not include,
Female bodybuilders who honestly look like dudes. 

Then came the big SHABOOM! Lizzy Caplan on HBO's "True Blood". There had at the point of her first appearance been some ladies on that show....showcasing their lady bits. She popped up as Jason Stackhouse's girlfriend in season 1. She still had that "doesn't tolerate bullshit" attitude that revs my engine but she had long since abandoned any gothy tendencies, which was fine because I don't need to be reminded anymore that that door has closed for me. She ended up doing several topless love scenes on that show, which was both unexpected and a real treat. They were tastefully done and I must admit that she has some great qualities to go along with her cool, sassy personality. Two great qualities.

Lizzy added "slammin' bod" to her hotness portfolio
I truly believe her boobs could cure polio

After "True Blood" she was part of the amazing ensemble cast of STARZ hilarious and criminally short lived comedy series "Party Down". She ratcheted up her cuteness several thousand points and on the show/in publicity photos she rocked a button up tuxedo shirt and pink bowtie (the uniforms for the characters catering company). This just served to prove that her appeal isn't just about her early gothy makeup or those things that were on True Blood, her sassiness and vocal cadence are truly what appeals to me about her. She seems like someone who you would love to have a beer with, watch and make fun of a shitty movie and then lay down by the fireplace for some sweet loving (soundtrack by KC & Jojo). Sounds like the perfect night to me.

"Armageddon" on the couch, lovin' on the floor-
"I'm sorry Lizzy, I swear that's never happened before...."

In closing, I just wanna say that I can totally understand how she isn't some peoples cup of tea. Different strokes for different folks. She was John Cusacks "perfect woman" in "Hot Tub Time Machine" and she was so damn adorable in that you root for them to get together, even though he is super old and them onscreen is...slightly gross (jealousy alert!).

Don't care if you were in "High Fidelity", Or about the money in your swiss bank,
Get your old hands off my future wife, unless you want to get "Grosse Point Shank-d"

If she ever googles herself and finds herself reading this, I would like to formally make her an offer to take her out for a nice seafood dinner (unless at the time I'm currently involved with someone else, because Caplan or no, I'm a gentleman). I realize now that it's really hard to describe what someone's appeal is because different people find such radically different things attractive, and that's perfectly acceptable. Except you, foot fetishists. Seriously, what the hell?

Who is turned on by feet? It's a mystery worthy of Grisham
If your lips were in your shoes all day, I would never EVER kiss 'em.

Damn, I really wish this was submitted on time. Pictures not required for me to bring it. Wouldn't have mattered though, I didn't stand a chance against his Biographical Lincoln Haiku's.

Thanks for Reading

(*Moon Logo*)

j.Bowman's war on being unique rages on. He is on Twitter. Just like everyone else. Follow him if you like bullshit.

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