j.Bowman Can't Sleep: Blog Off 2011: Reviewing This Seasons "Hilarious" Halloween Costumes

Monpeeps, how goes it? The 2011 Blog Off has reached round 3. For no other reason than to add an element of danger to it, I have decided to either dub this "The Lightning Round" or "The hooking up with a married woman whose husband has just pulled into the driveway and your clothes are all the way over there round". Feel free to vote in the comments as to which you feel is more perilous.

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE

For Round 3 me and my opponent have agreed that it should be "A Review". There are so many things out there in the universe that I'm fond of judging (people, places, things....flavors of pop tarts) but for my post here I've decided to focus my attention on something that attempts to force its way into the world of comedy. Fans of comedy AND subtlety should maybe just skip reading this post, because I have decided to review.....

This Years "Hilarious" Halloween Costumes

(Decimate their self esteem at an early age)

I should warn you right now, that pic costume is as cute as these are gonna get. Unlike the rest of these, I found it funny, which is why I used it as the bumper image for this post. The rest of these will be taken and reviewed from the "Humor" section of a costume website. You may have noticed every time I have used a word like that it has been in quotes, that wasn't an accident. The following costumes are actually pretty awful. Low brow would be too high praise for these monstrosities (yeah, I probably botched that spelling, don't care). These things are an afront to comedy and I anticipate the day I see someone wearing one of these so I can throw something, anything, at them. They will be scored using the following criteria:

Comfort:

Creativity:

Subtlety:

Odds of Getting Phone Number:

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face:

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model:

Dear god, lets get this thing over with....

Morning Wood

Okay, batting lead off we have this classy selection. Pretty basic premise, not even a play on words like having him be a lumberjack with a sleeping cap on. Just straight up boxers feat. boner. Lazy if you ask me.

Comfort: 8 (much less if it is cold outside that particular halloween)

Creativity: 0

Subtlety:2

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 16%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 34%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Luther Vandross CD

Tough Shit/Bullshit/Holy Shit/Hot Shit

Apparently there is a whole sub genre of shit costumes available for halloween. I chose to display "Holy Shit" but there are alternatives for all the athiests out there. "Tough Shit" is dressed like Rambo, "Bullshit" has horns, "Hot Shit" has fire patters on it, and "I don't give a shit" doesn't exist yet, but someday I think that people will realize they have only scratched the surface when it comes to themed costumes centered around poo.

Comfort: 7 (not gonna lie, looks pretty snug in there)

Creativity: 5

Subtlety: 1

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 5%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 12 %

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Wet rolls of toilet paper.

(*THWAP!*)

One Eyed Monster

The first in a long line of penis joke costumes on the market. This one loses serious points for making me want to watch "Monsters Inc".

Comfort: 5

Creativity: 6 (the puppet looks good at least)

Subtlety: 2

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 64% (based purely on Monsters Inc. loyalty)

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 78 %

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Jar of pickles

Pussy Magnet

What this one lacks in creativity, it makes up for with the fact that it could be a theme costume for someone who absolutely loves decapitating cats. Either way, women will probably hate you on Halloween. Except for the quiet, mousy types. They will just have a distaste for you.

Comfort: 2 (I hope that magnet is made of metal and breaks someones neck)

Creativity: 3

Subtlety: 6 (who doesn't love the optional "shirt off" look in the pic? Everyone prolly)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 33%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 43%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: A dresser.

Department of Erections

Ladies, what is better than being lusted after by a toothless criminal in an orange jumpsuit with a huge boner? Many, many things I'm guessing. This one tries for a bit of a cute play on words but then gives up and just goes straight for the dick joke. At least it doesn't include soap on a string used as bait.

Comfort: 4 (although it is a jumpsuit, turning seems like it would be difficult/hazardous)

Creativity: 1

Subtlety: 4 (Anyone dumb enough to wear this might take a while to figure our the joke)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 3%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 15%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: A girls bicycle

Hung Like A Horse

Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that his unit DOES NOT occupy the entire inside of that horses head. Any girl who makes a play for this guy is going to be very dissappointed. First in him, then in herself. A lot. She might even kill herself for thinking this dude is worth letting lie down on top of her. I wouldn't talk her out of it.

Comfort: 4

Creativity: 2

Subtlety: 6 (although strategically placed, some people might think you are missing the back end)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 65% (chicks love horses)

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 11%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Old school "Hit the Ice" arcade game.

Cock Block

Of all the ones on this list...I find this to be the least offensive and the most clever. That isn't saying much though. In fact, I'm going to take it back almost immediately. Fuck this costume.

Comfort: 3 (strolling around in a cube has to suck at least a little)

Creativity: 7

Subtlety: 6 ( "What is a rooster block?" - Moron)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 52%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 66%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Framed autographed picture of Ernie Hudson

Muff Diver

Jeez, god. At least they went the full 9 and included flippers and a scuba tank and shit. They could've just gone lazy and had a snorkle. That is the only positive thing I can say about this costume....oh god, it says "Mike Hunt's". Nevermind, it is all terrible.

Comfort: 1

Creativity: 3

Subtlety: 4

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 15%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 40% ("You wouldn't hit a man with a snorkel, would you?")

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Javelin

(Fuck that, I will just let this dude throw it)

Crotch Rocket

The thing that offends me most about this costume isn't even the dick joke. It's the fact that dude is wearing fake adidas sneaks with 4 stripes instead of 3. I cannot tolerate knock off sneakers.

Comfort: 6

Creativity: 4

Subtlety: 8 (extra points awarded for cleverly disguising the fact that he is broke via sneakers)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 8%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 79%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Poutine

In Bed With Hot Blonde

This is an odd costume. It shows something that will never happen BECAUSE of the costume itself. Also, she has really strange stubby little legs and this costume makes you look like you have flippers instead of normal looking human feet. Nobody wants to sleep with that. Trust me, I know *sniff*

Comfort: 2 (looks cumbersome. Hard to go to the bathroom probably...unless she is into that)

Creativity: 5 (like bangin someone on a murphy bed)

Subtlety: 2

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 21 %

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 78%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Swedish Chef Muppet

(Motherfucker got "borked" right in the face)

Just Hangin' Around

Well, it's a pair of old balls dangling out of shorts. That's about it. Charming.

Comfort: 3 (it will get annoying having them knock against your thigh all night...trust me!)

Creativity: 2

Subtlety: 2

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 8%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 68%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: An old timey radio

Yankthese

Combining a guys love of baseball and...camel toes. If your balls are that big, where is your dick sir? It took me longer than I would care to admit to get that the #2 indicates the amount of balls that are "Hunglow". This seriously looks like a terrible vagina or a tiny ass in the front of your pants.

Comfort: 3 (baseball pants aren't really that comfortable, camel toe or no)

Creativity: 4 ("Oh.....it's like the Yankees. That's...awful")

Subtlety: 2

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 4%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 88% (bound to be some "Red Cox" fans around)

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Overly elaborate hamster habitat

Dr. Seymour Bush: Gynecologist

This is essentially just a basic Doctor costume, but what really adds to it is the fact that is says "Dr. Seymour Bush Gynecologist" on it and the fact that you have to walk around all night looking like a rapist. Seriously, could they have picked a worse model for this? Guy looks like he has a collection of human faces on the wall in his basement.

Comfort: 8 (a smock is a smock, and a smock is fucking comfortable)

Creativity: 2 (it's a shitty Simpsons prank call gag, that's all)

Subtlety: 8 (To get the joke you have to get close enough to read it, which nobody will do)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 19 % (some drunk flooz might think you are a doctor)

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 42%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Alto saxophone

Shocker

This is starting to really make me sad about the state of humor around Halloween. Ugh, just...ugh.

Comfort: 3

Creativity: 2

Subtlety: 2 (for a couples costume, get your lady to dress as a vagina...and an anus somehow)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 16%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 76%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Park bench with a tiny old man sitting there.

("Hang on Mr. Patterson, this is for a good cause")

Super Sperm

At least the sperm has hit the gym and cares about being a vigilante. Why wouldn't he? He just watched millions of his brothers die horribly. Never forget, roided up sperm. Never forget.

Comfort: 8 (night be a little hot, but damn, that looks pretty comfy)

Creativity: 5

Subtlety: 6 (if not for the tail, you could pretend you were a jacked up Humpty Dumpty)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 21%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 64%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Wedding cake

Petting Zoo

I know the animal in the picture is fake, whenever I think of petting zoos I think of the clientele they cater to: Children. Wearers of this costume should be arrested, but I could say that for all of them on this list.

Comfort: 5

Creativity: 4

Subtlety: 4

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 14%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 84% (perhaps by a policemans nightstick)

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: That hammertoss thing from the olympics

Longuini & Meatballs

I will admit, at first I didn't get this one. I thought it was "Linguine" and Meatballs. Which made me even more confused when I saw noodles, meatballs and a dick there. Then I went back and checked again (having to look at this fucking thing twice) and I saw that it actually saw "Longuini". After roughly 35 minutes of headshaking, I decided on proper scores.

Comfort: 2

Creativity: 4

Subtlety: 4

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 11%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 83%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Assortment of kitchen knives

Third Leg

....is this even a dirty one? I know the term "third leg" is meant to mean abnormally large/long penis, but it looks like that whole thing went over the head of the designers and they made no effort to make the third leg look like a dick. It's just a leg.

Comfort: 3

Creativity: 2

Subtlety: 8 (totally misses the point, which works in it's favor)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 15% (girls might think you are both crass and stupid)

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 74%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Car door (detached if possible)

Choking the Chicken

Not gonna lie, I actually kind of like this one. I don't like it as an easy masturbation joke, but the execution is pretty solid.

Comfort: 5 (headpiece prolly gets pretty hot)

Creativity: 8

Subtlety: 7 ("Why are you supporting animal abuse?" - Morons)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 34%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 77%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Trident

Vibrator

Fuck right off. Man, do these things just not care at all about subtlety? Nothing like reminding a woman of her options should she choose not to sleep with you. This is why men are losing the war.

Comfort: 1 (I would be pissed trying to get around in that all night)

Creativity: 3 (Gets points for the words, which are probably a result of a Beach Boys lawsuit)

Subtlety: 1 (about as subtle as a ninja star to the face)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 3%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 88 %

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Ninja star

Little Man In A Boat

First, I see a vagina. Then I see the little man with the paddle. Then I see the boat. Then everytime after that when I see this I see the vagina again. Somewhat clever. It's a great way to dress like a douche at your gf's parents Halloween Party (hoping of course they don't see what everyone else sees)

Comfort: 6

Creativity: 8

Subtlety: 8 (anytime you dress like a vag and can claim it was an accident is a big win for subtlety)

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 11%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 65%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Kinetically charged playing card

Vagina

The war on subtlety rages on. I cannot believe this actually exists. What man in his right mind would willfully walk around as a vagina? It's not even funny. Everything so far has at least had some moderately amusing wordplay but this? I almost don't know what to say. The only thing worse would be dressing up as a dick. You can't even pretend to be ANYTHING other than a vagina. No little boat man here. Just boat. Vag boat.

Comfort: 2 (would probably get pretty sweaty in there)

Creativity: 1

Subtlety: 0

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 2%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 92%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Stack of Encyclopedias

Dick

Knowing this exists has caused me to die a little inside. I'm sorry if I have now done the same to you. I feel like a...well, you know.

Comfort: 1

Creativity: 0

Subtlety: -4

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 2%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 97 %

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: The biggest subwoofer I could find.

Down for the Count

...There are no words.

Comfort:-2 (Having to dodge thrown objects all night would be a burden)

Creativity: 1

Subtlety: -12

Odds of Getting Phone Number: 0.02%

Odds of Getting Hit in the Face: 99%

Object I Would Like To Throw at the Model: Him...but off a building

(Fuck it, throw all of them off. That'll take the smarm off their faces)

Round 3 is doneski's. I sincerely hope whoever designed these costumes looks up humor in the dictionary. This shit was just crass and awful and I'm glad I don't know anyone in my life who would wear one. And if I do, they better hope none of the items above are nearby, cause that shit is getting thrown!

My oppenents review is located right over HERE

Thanks for Reading

- jB