Thursday, September 2, 2010

B.P.S. Vol 5 - Things I Wish I Could Tell Young Me

For the 5th "Bullet Point Summary", I'm going outside the time-space continuum (FINALLY!). Do you ever wish you could talk to your younger self, and warn them about things that they will face in their life? Do you ever wish that I wish for that, and then upon realizing it is impossible, write a blog post about it? If at least 1/5 of you answered "yes". To the last question, proceed with the expected amount of apathy. The following is a list of things j.Bowman, at 25 in 2010 would love to tell his younger, slightly paler self:

- Don't worry about Jay-Z. He goes down to "98 Problems" when he is able to cross "not fucking Beyonce" off his list

- Your limit is 9 tequila shots. REMEMBER THAT! Do not try and go for double digits just cause she cheated on you. Puking behind a dumpster does not make her come back, even though at the time it seems like it might.

- Axl Rose eats. Like, a lot.

("Welcome to the Fridge")

- Believe the hype! That guy that made "Sixth Sense" is in fact the next Hitchcock. Not Alfred though. Roger Hitchcock, the guy that uploads all those videos of animals pooping on youtube. Same thing, only on the big screen and with Ron Howards hot daughter.

- By the way, Ron Howard is going to have a hot daughter. You will be surprised, confused, aroused....then confused again.

(This will never make sense to you. Ever. Just accept it.)

- Stay in Europe a little while longer.

- Venus Williams has a sister. You will suspect it is actually her brother until 2004.

- Janet Jackson FINALLY combines female nudity with football. The world nearly implodes on itself and nearly falls off it's axis. And that's just with one tit.

- Do not get attached to the Vancouver Grizzlies.

- Your Enternexus account will be irrelevant immediately.

- Your Nexopia account will be irrelevant immediately.

- He may be ugly as shit, but Daniel Craig is a bad ass James Bond.

(James Bond played by a sea urchin? Bold move)

- Laughter is the best medicine, until you start taking the good shit.

- Your keys are underneath your hat, you idiot. They are always there!

- You are not in the bathroom, you are in the garage. Just throw up in the paint can and seal it back up. As of 2010, nobody has noticed yet.

- There will be a black President. It will not be Carl Weathers. In time you will learn to get over it.

(His platform of "Punching America's Problems in the face" didn't resonate with female voters.)

- When you send an important text, maybe read it out loud first before you send it.

- Everyone is cheating at Baseball.

- Tell her to go fuck herself within 2 years, MAX

- That cool "poker" set you got in the small metal briefcase, ends up being a barbecue "poker" set, not the cool gambling kind. You will feel like an idiot, this is unavoidable. Just don't eat all that Burger King to cheer yourself up.

- Don't get excited. Leno comes back.

- None of those years is the Canucks' year.

- That first Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to BLOW YOUR MIND! Yes, sadly I said "first".

- Do not watch "Serenity" before you see "Firefly". DON'T!

- Your taco limit is 5. REMEMBER THAT! 5!

- If you are going to attempt a swan dive off a houseboat, fucking commit to the dive. Don't change your mind in mid-air. You will suffer the worst bellyflop of your life. And you will have deserved it.

- Don't feel weird about asking Christopher Nolan for a picture.

- St. Patricks Day 2010 Las Vegas: Do everything the exact...same...way.

- "Arrested Development" is going to get taken away from you. The wound will never heal.

- The Boston Red Sox will finally win. And then they will win a few more times enough so that you don't like them anymore.

- Do not watch the "Trevor Linden Retirement Ceremony" with her. You will cry, she won't be attracted to you anymore.

- You will be super hungover off gin and strike out swinging during a slo-pitch softball game. Start preparing for that mental anguish now. Striking out in slo-pitch is something you can't wash off and you'll have to live with forever.

- The Pittsburgh Steelers will win 2 Super Bowls. One will be against the Arizona Cardinals. No, I am not fucking with you. This actually happens.

- Do not worry when Jack Black is cast as the Green Lantern. Good things will end up happening...7 years later.

- You're gonna need to grow a pair a lot earlier than you think you will.

- Aaron Eckhart will portray your favorite Batman villain in a good Batman movie (they are coming, don't worry). You will still remain sadly disappointed that "Two-Face" wasn't played by Denzel Washington and Danny Glover.

(Denzel or Glover?.........Why can't it be both of them?)

- Zag, instead of Zigging.

- There is definitely a point at which you are too old to play lazer tag.

- Date a goth chick. At least once.

- After you graduate, keep dating high school seniors until it gets weird. You are going to want to go to a few grads.

- Her dad can hear you, and he already didn't like you.

- You will think the horror movie "Saw" is pretty decent. Prepare to be bombarded with 7 more every october until 2010.

- The ability to search Wikipedia on your phone will lead you to believe that you are smart. However you still won't understand what prime numbers are, so don't get cocky.

- Don't worry about Elian Gonzalez. Nobody else will 5 hours after the ship his ass back to Cuba. (Case in point, all 5 of you probably forgot that kid existed until now!)

(Pictured L-R: A thing, that actually, happened)

- Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, John McClane, Indiana Jones. They will all be back. One of them is bringing Shia Labouef.

- Give the American version of "The Office" a chance.

- Spider-Man 3 is gonna dissappoint you so much you are going to feel like you got punched in the dick. DO NOT punch yourself in the dick afterwards just to see which is worse. This accomplishes nothing. All you will end up with is a hurt dick and you'll still have watched Spider-Man 3.

- Do not buy anything ever. There will be Torrentz.

- You will one day weigh 243 lbs. Do not worry. You will get back down to 200 lbs and "The Poutine Era" will end.

- Your sister will get married, you will get hammered.

- The 1997 "Batman & Robin" movie will only be the worst thing that's happened to you for a few months.

- "Empire records" is not going to be as good as you remember

- Maybe slow down a bit on New Years Eve....all of them.

- As of 2010, Mark Messier hasn't been eaten by wolves....yet. You will remain hopeful well into your mid 20's

(It takes a while to train wolves to eat a piece of shit. In time, Messier, in time...)

- On February 28th, 2010........You know what? Words can't do it justice. You'll see.

- One day, you will finally get some sleep...probably.

Thanks for reading


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