B.P.S. Vol 6 - A helluva way to go.

I was at the urinal today and I looked down and saw something that made me very sad (might this be the worst opening sentence in j.Bowman Can't Sleep's history?) The sad thing I saw was a fly, who had apparently drowned in the urinal. I had partially contributed to his watery grave but I'm fairly certain he had been dead for several hours and I suspect it may have been.....murder! (cue opening scene of the hit new procedural drama: "CSI: Bathroom").

"Well Frank, looks like sometimes it stinks...."

  

"...to be a fly....on the wall."

(*music* "yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!" Link: Caruso Brings it, repeatedly)

 For the latest Bullet Point Summary, I was inspired by this winged abomination's death and how awful it must have been. Now, I have never been one to mock the dead. As a firm believer in the forthcoming zombie apocalypse, I do not want to give the zombies any more reason to want to eat me instead of my friends (sorry guys, every man for himself). You know what is worse than a regular zombie? A vindictive zombie. However I do not have any reservations about mocking the dead from a long long time ago. Should the dead rise, people that died hundreds or thousands of years ago would either be skeletons or dust. And while I'm 60% sure I could beat a skeleton in a fight, I'm 94% sure I could defeat a bag of dust (Unless it gets in my eye, then the perecentage drops considerably). In the 1900s deaths stopped being insane and interesting and just started being tragic. Way back in olden times though? Those people were insane, paranoid and huge, HUGE fans of putting things in people. They were as dickish and petty as they were smelly and rife with disease.

After some exhaustive research (Wikipedia) I have been kept awake by some of the most messed up deaths early history has to offer. I have learned lots from this....more so than any school has taught me.

- 272 BC:  Pyrrhus of Epirus, conqueror and the source of the term pyrrhic victory, died while fighting an urban battle in Argos when an old woman threw a roof tile at him, stunning him and allowing an Argive soldier to kill him.
What it taught me? Having an old person stationed on my roof just in case of an attack is NOT a waste of time and human life.

- 207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs

What it taught me? I have GOT to check out youtube and see if there is a video of a donkey eating figs. (spoiler alert: there isn't)

- 620 BC: Draco, Athenian law-maker, was smothered to death by gifts of cloaks showered upon him by appreciative citizens at a theatre on Aegina.
What it taught me? Do not asks for cloaks for Christmas from everyone I know.

- 270 BC: Philitas of Cos, Greek intellectual, is said by Athenaeus of Naucratis to have studied arguments and erroneous word-usage so intensely that he wasted away and starved to death.

What it taught me? Neeeeeeeerrrrrrrdddd!!

- 162 BC: Eleazar Maccabeus was crushed to death by a War Elephant (also the name of my band - jB). charging into battle, Eleazar rushed underneath the elephant and thrust a spear into its belly, whereupon it fell dead on top of him.

What it taught me? If I am ever in a large scale battle (which I fully plan on being someday) the LAST place I want to be is underneath one of these things:

(Not Pictured: Me, running as fast as I can in the other direction)

- 53 BC: The Roman general and consul Marcus Licinius Crassus was reported as having been put to death by the Parthians after losing the battle of Carrhae, by being forced to drink a goblet of molten gold, symbolic of his great wealth.

What it taught me? I could choke to death on $100 bills and Crassus would STILL have the most baller death ever.

- 212: Lucius Fabius Cilo, a Roman senator of the 2nd century, "...choked...by a single hair in a draught of milk"
What it taught me? Confirmed my suspicion that the cook at Denny's has indeed been trying to kill me.

(Just to be sure she gets me, she's put a single hair in ALL the pancakes)

- 415: Hypatia of Alexandria, Greek mathematician and pagan philosopher, was murdered by a Christian mob by having her skin ripped off with sharp sea-shells; what remained of her was burned.

What it taught me? As much as I hate math, it is nothing compared to how Christians felt about math several hundred years ago.

- 892: Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney strapped the head of his defeated foe, Máel Brigte, to his horse's saddle. The teeth of this head grazed against his leg as he rode, causing an infection that killed him.

What it taught me? This guy is an idiot. Maybe when the teeth scrape against your leg, oh I dunno, once, perhaps then you should move it....or put on pants. Idiot.

 - 1135: Henry I of England is said to have died of food poisoning after gorging on lampreys.
 What it taught me? Do not order Lampreys if I ever see them on a Denny's menu.

- 1258: Al-Musta'sim was killed during the Mongol invasion of the Abbasid Caliphate. Hulagu Khan, not wanting to spill royal blood, wrapped him in a rug and had him trampled to death by his horses.
What it taught me? Hulagu Khan is the undisputed champion of murder loopholes.

- 1410: Martin I of Aragon died from a lethal combination of indigestion and uncontrollable laughing.
What it taught me? Farting can go from hilarious to tragic in a matter or seconds.

- 1514: György Dózsa, Székely man-at-arms and peasants' revolt leader in Hungary, was condemned to sit on a red-hot iron throne with a red-hot iron crown on his head and a red-hot sceptre in his hand (mocking at his ambition to be king), by Hungarian landed nobility in Transylvania.

What it taught me? The Hungarians are willing to ruin a perfectly good throne, sceptre and crown to ironically kill someone. Do not piss them off.

- 1601: Tycho Brahe, Danish astronomer, according to legend, died of complications resulting from a strained bladder at a banquet. It would have been extremely bad etiquette to leave the table before the meal was finished, so he stayed until he became fatally ill.

What it taught me? Even back then, people from Denmark would rather give their lives than not be polite. You're a class act, Denmark, don't forget it.

- 1649: Sir Arthur Aston, Royalist commander of the garrison during the Siege of Drogheda, was beaten to death with his own wooden leg, which the Parliamentarian soldiers thought concealed golden coins.

What it taught me? Parliamentarian's believed the world operated on a "Super Mario" type reward system for defeating enemies.

(Mario, also not a very good authority on gene splicing. Stick to what you know dude: mustaches and not being able to seal the deal with princesses!)

- 1660: Thomas Urquhart, Scottish aristocrat, polymath and first translator of Rabelais into English, is said to have died laughing upon hearing that Charles II had taken the throne.

What it taught me? At first I thought Urquhart had overreacted. Until I searched for a picture of Charles II.

(What a weiner this guy was. I'd laugh too, but I would stop before I died)

- 1671: François Vatel, chef to Louis XIV, committed suicide because his seafood order was late and he could not stand the shame of a postponed meal. His body was discovered by an aide, sent to tell him of the arrival of the fish..

What it taught me? I too suffer from shame of a postponed meal...but that's when I'm waiting for my hot pockets to finish in the microwave. Hot pockets and shame go hand in hand.

- 1771: Adolf Frederick, king of Sweden, died of digestion problems on 12 February 1771 after having consumed a meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, topped off with 14 servings of his favourite dessert: semla served in a bowl of hot milk.

What it taught me? ....sauerkraut is so gross it can kill you. I'm sure the other stuff was quite tasty

.

(MURDERER!)

- 1794: John Kendrick, an American sea captain and explorer, was killed in the Hawaiian Islands when a British ship mistakenly used a loaded cannon to fire a salute to Kendrick's vessel

What it taught me? The modern equivalent? Saying hello to someone with a gun then accidently shooting them. 

("Nice to meet you Eric, my daughter has told me so much about you.....too much")

- 1834: David Douglas, Scottish botanist, fell into a pit trap accompanied by a bull. He was gored and possibly crushed.

What it taught me? Silver lining: His bull trap worked almost flawlessly.

- 1868: Matthew Vassar, brewer and founder of Vassar College, died in mid-speech while delivering his farewell address to the college board of trustees.

What it taught me? For at least 7 minutes a bunch of people must have thought this was the most EPIC dramatic pause in the history of dramatic.........pauses.

And without further delay, the last and possibly best ridiculous, mean, petty, smelly, bull trap related death I found. Why did Abraham Lincoln succeed? People like Clement Vallandigham were the alternative. Go!

- 1871: Clement Vallandigham, U.S. Congressman and political opponent of Abraham Lincoln, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound suffered in court while representing the defendant in a murder case. Demonstrating how the murder victim could have inadvertently shot himself, the gun, which Vallandigham believed to be unloaded, discharged and mortally wounded him. The defendant was acquitted.

What it taught me? Best...lawyer...ever!

 (Well, second best. Phil Hartman, you are missed daily, sir)

Thanks for reading.

-jB

CSNstores.com presents: j.Bowman Sells Out

 "CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from contemporary coffee tables  to fantastic fitness equipment to cookware!"

Recently I was contacted by an online company with an opportunity to plug their site on j.Bowman Can't Sleep. I wrestled with it at first, but after roughly 56 seconds of thinking about it, I thought about what film legend Gene Hackman would do in this situation. Aside from being awesome, I'm sure he would flat out refuse to do such a thing. I was flattered that this company would think me and the 13 people who read this could positively affect their business, but my opinions are not for sale! In order for this blog to maintain it's high standards of integrity, I can't allow it to turn into a billboard. Not on my watch. And I refuse to be a shill and push products on this site....unless I get paid believe in them.While I will not mention the company who approached me, I will tell you one thing. It definitely wasn't the single greatest online shopping site in the history of the internet (all of it) : CSNSTORES.com. (Out of respect for their awesomeness, I will not cuss in this post)

Now, I know there are many options out there for online shopping. Several sites, especially one named after a particular rainforest (that is my clever way of sidestepping a lawsuit), may SEEM like a good place to go for...goods. But they are not. They are bad.

Christmas is coming up (so is hanukkah or any other December holiday about "love and togetherness" aka "sweet presents and too much food") And there are plenty of options when it comes to your shopping. But let me ask you this: Can you shop at Stallmart (that is my incredibly lazy way of sidestepping a lawsuit) and look at pornography at the same time? Well...hypothetically you could, although I don't recommend it. I heard someone got arrested doing that in 2006 and although he looked and sounded exactly like me, was not me. When you shop online, you have those kind of options. But why would you buy something online from "dbay.com" (Now I'm not even trying anymore) when you have the option to log on to csnstores.com and enter an online shopping wonderland the likes of which have never been seen before. So why don't you follow me down the rabbit hole and see what I'm so excited about.

First of all, csnstores.com has over 200 "stores" online. You name it, they carry it...and they carry it like champions. Say you were going back in time to the 1980s and you needed a waterbed. BAM! They got you covered. Need a wall clock? Time to go to csnstores.com's wall clock store "everywallclock.com" (as opposed to "someofthewallclocks.org"). Say you needed to make a grand swashbuckling entrance but can't figure out how to do it. I will tell you how: go to csnstores.com and visit the chandelier page (they absolutely have one, because, of course they do). Tired of turn of the century baby furniture? They have you covered with a page dedicated to "modern baby furniture". That is just the tip of the iceberg folks.

The middle of the iceberg? They have world globes, expresso machines, binoculars, cribs, conference tables, shoes,  dog beds, fountains and hammocks..........

I had to take a break for a few minutes because my fingers hurt listing all the various high quality products that are available on csnstores.com. 

The bottom of the iceberg (but still part of the iceberg nonetheless) Adirondack chairs. Now, I have never liked adirondack chairs. I think they are extremely uncomfortable and a chair made from several bits of wood in odd shapes is something I wish did not exist. HOWEVER I will say that if I ever were to sit in an Adirondack chair, I would only put my bum in one of the ones available on the Adirondack store on csnstores.com (Did you know they start at $59.99?! That is $110 less than if I bought the chair elsewhere and had accidently left $100 on the ground after I bought it)

(Also available in a wide variety of colors. Like TEAL!!!!)

I wish some of  the great leaders in history were alive to shop on csnstores.com. Lincoln would be ALL OVER the porch swing store. I heard from nobody that he loved porch swings.

(He loved them more than dope beats. And he LOVED dope beats)

I could go on an on listing the products that csnstores.com carries, but we would be here for hours (which we would be able to verify with our classy Howard Miller Bergen Quartz Pendulum Wall Clock. Did you know that clock has a current rating of 4.8 on csnstores.com's wall clock store? I don't know what the maximum rating possible is, but based on the craftsmenship and elegance of this freaking clock I'd say it is 4.8/2. Don't believe that the clock would have a rating of +2.8? Well feast your eyes on this beauty:

(blogger would not allow me to post something this beautiful any larger than this. Had I done so, your eyes might've melted out of your head. You're welcome)

Now, I have mentioned several products that csnstores.com carries, but I'm sure you all are wondering "Hey, j.Bowman, how much can you benchpress? Oh, and also, what doesn't csnstores.com carry?"  To answer your first question, I can benchpress 294 lbs (unless someone is watching, then for some reason it's substantially less). To answer your second question, here is a list of items that csnstores.com DOES NOT sell on any of it's 200+ store sites:

- Babies tears.

- Chumbawamba cd's

- bags of hair

- socks with holes in them (all of their socks are hole-less)

- damp jeans

- bottomless juice cups

- Oil paintings depicting failure

- Your parents approval.

Why would you want any of those things? That is exactly what I'm guessing csnstores.com were thinking when they decided not to sell them. They are looking out for you, the consumers, best interest and they should get your business. I wasn't a good student in school (shocking, I know) and I don't really understand numbers or relationships but I have an even harder time understanding why anyone wouldn't shop at csnstores.com. I'm not quick to anger, but sometimes that makes me pretty angry. If online retailers were breakfast cereals, csnstores.com would be comprised of the sugar covered raisins from "Raisin Bran", the marshmellows from "Lucky Charms" and "Cinnamon Toast Crunch". As far as I'm concerned all other online retailers are "Shreddies".

(Booooooooooooo!)

One of the first ridiculously incredible things I noticed on csnstores.com was their selection of high end dining room tables. Seriously, these things were 7 different kinds of gorgeous. Part of me wishes I never looked upon them, because now I look at my own dining room table with nothing but disgust and contempt. I covered it with a tablecloth made of photos of ex-girlfriends. That is how much I hate looking at it now because I've seen the dining room tables csnstores.com is selling. This one in particular caught my eye (who am I kidding, THEY ALL DID). If I had this table, I'd put it right behind my front door, so EVERYONE who entered my apartment would have to walk around it, admire it and enjoy it as much as I do. I know I shouldn't show you this, because your desire to have it might overtake your life, but it is my pleasure to present to you, the "TMS Metropolitan 5 piece dining set". Look at this friggin thing:

 (I almost don't believe it's real. I wouldn't even eat off it. Just have it for decoration)

I thought my life was fine as it was. I thought it was alright to live using my hockey bag as a coffee table. I was a damn fool. What would you rather have? This classy as hell Jofran Vintner lift-top coffee table:

(I want several of them)

or would you rather have this Reebok "smells like a mediocre hockey player" coffee table that I currently use?

 (Never thought it was a problem until I saw the Vintner)

While on the subject of my apartment, my appreciation and admiration for csnstores.com isn't new to anyone who has ever been to the "Bowmstead". Looking at my home decor, you'd know that there are two things in this world that I care deeply for and am very serious about: Vancouver Canucks hockey and shopping at the best online stores.

(My bedroom. Where the magic/online shopping happens)

I'm going to get a little personal now and tell you a story. It's a bit hard for me to talk about and normally I don't get this personal on j.Bowman Can't Sleep, but I've kept it inside and I haven't talked about it in awhile and it might be good to get it out.  A year or so ago, I was pretty seriously involved with a lady. I'd go so far as to say...I loved her. We had a rocky relationship but always managed to get past our issues. Couples who are destined to end up together are usually like that. Now, I had decided to take the plunge and ask her to marry me. But because I got class coming out my....well, I got class, so I decided to ask her father first (He also had a sword collection, so I was terrified of disrespecting him). I went up to...let's call him "Murray" and said:

Murray, j.Bowman Can't Sleep without your daughter sleeping next to him. I was wondering if you and your many, many swords would approve of me asking her to marry....me?

Hmm... (stops sharpening sword) I have a question to ask of you as well?

What is it Murray?

(He then held one of the sharper swords to my throat and asked)

Do you shop on csnstores.com?

Yes sir, I do.

Than I deem you worthy of my daughter's hand. Take my finest horse, and go to her.

And so I did. Now, me and this girl, lets just call her "Irrelevantina", had discussed many important things. We had discussed kids (SCB) and where we would raise our family (Denmark) but as it turns out, there was one important thing I had never discussed with her. We had never discussed our preferred online shopping stores. Turns out, she didn't shop at csnstores.com. And although it hurt to do it (actually it was quite easy) I had to break up with her. She was an idiot.

(The hard part was getting her to pose with the sign I made)

Glad I could get that off my chest after all this time (It happened 4 days ago). In order to celebrate me putting that out there, I'd like to turn it over to you with a special contest:

csnstores.com has contacted me and asked me to do a giveaway on the blog (in no way AT ALL is this why I did this post) csnstores.com is something I deeply care about. This is pretty much exactly like Braveheart, only with less battles and more savings on high quality goods.

In the future, be wary of this message (click to enlarge)

(Did you ever see Sarah Connor use csnstores.com in the "Terminator" films? Exactly)

Just so everyone knows, forget what I said earlier.  j.Bowman is absolutely for sale and his price is very, VERY cheap.

And now, for no reason inparticular, a choice scene from the classic film, "Wayne's World"

Thanks for reading

-jB

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International Incident...of Appreciation

Now for anyone who is not Canadian and reads this blog, I appreciate your patience with my patriotism and references to things specifically Vancouverian or Canadian (Although to be fair patriotism is new to Canada, we just got it in February). I love it here, but that doesn't mean I'm not jealous of some of awesome things other countries have (except you, Belarus) So, in the interest of fairness and global equality (except you, Belarus) I've decided to post 3 things I like about every country that has visited the blog in the last month. Here goes...something:

Canada - (you know how I feel about you. You've gotten enough)

U.S.A. - I actually have no problem being your friendly, polite, hockey loving hat because of:

- The NFL
- Cracker Barrel restaurants
- Your ability to flank my country with land (clutch move buying Alaska. We won't mess with you, promise.)

 (Together we could be unstoppable. Your weapons, our healthcare)

South Korea - When given my choice of Koreas, I'd choose yours every time because:

- The other Korea is a real douche
- Your national sport is Taekwondo. So very very awesome.
- EveR-1 is the world's second female android (robot created to resemble humans) developed by scientists from South Korea.

(Can you teach this soulless monster to love....for a reasonable rate?)

Denmark - I would happily fight anyone who says the Danes aren't great because:

- Walt Disney got the idea for his themepark after visiting the Tivoli amusement park in Denmark.
- You invented LEGO (but why does it never look like it does on the box?!)
- The local long form of your name is "Kongeriget Daanmark" which incidently will also be the title and name of the main character in a badass action movie I just decided to write.

 ("He's Dane. You're dead. summer 2013")

South Africa - Nothing will segregate me from my appreciation of South Africa because:

- The southern Free State town of Jagersfontein has the deepest vertical man-made hole in the world. Take that, planet! Way to show the Earth you're not gonna put up with it's bullshit, South Africa
- Based on my extensive research, there are more girls in South Africa with purple hair than in Canada. That's a problem for us, and a win for you.
- Your flag is awesome!

(Although we aren't really the authority on cool flags. Woooo...a leaf.)

The United Kingdom - One day I'd like to sit down and have tea with you because:

- Your accents. No matter what you say, you sound very distinguished and I will accept anything you tell me.
- A law states that: "It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament". Which is equal parts awesome and unpunishable:

"My lord, Sir Chesterwickenshire has died"

"Where did it happen?" (breaks monacle)

"In the house of Parliament"

"Well then, he shall be arrested and sentenced to....dammit!"

- Your cops are called "Bobbies". I can only assume your Detectives are called "Roberts".

 (Show us your bobbies)

The Netherlands - I've been there twice, I barely remember it but I love it because:

- Your devotion to the colour Orange.
- M. Laverman likes you, so I have no choice but to agree with him.
- According to my research, the highest point in your country is called "The Mountain". The Dutch: they call 'em as they see 'em.

(This Chick = the second highest point in the Netherlands)

Turkey - You guys don't take Istanbullshit from anyone. I respect you because:

- The oldest tin mine was found in Göltepe, 60 miles south of Tarsus. As a HUGE fan of tin mines, this was great to learn.
- Istanbul is the only city in the world that was built on two continents.
- The largest lake in Turkey is called "Lake Van".

(Standard rules apply: Do not get into this van with a stranger...unless there is a promise of candy)

Sweden - For every crown on your hockey jerseys, here are reasons I like you. Because:

- You guys perfected the zipper. My balls may not like that, but I think it's pretty cool.
- You gave the world Abba. Abba gave the world "Fernando". Fernando gave me something to listen to while I sit in the dark crying.
- Daniel & Henrik Sedin

 (Our countries our forever linked. Sweden, keep up the good work)

Taiwan - My appreciate for you was made in Taiwan because:

- G. Rushton loves you, so by association so do I.
- You guys have "Typhoon season". I'm assuming that comes right after "Unrelenting courage season" and before "Is that the best you got, nature?" season.
- You had the tallest building on earth until Dubai fucked you over in 2008.

 (Prick.)

Ukraine - You-rock because:

- The Ukraine is slightly larger than Texas. (Suck it, Texas!)
- You are not Belarus
- I can't tell the difference between your Parliament and the Royal Rumble:

 ("Oh my god! That's Viktor Yanukovych's music! ")

So there you have it. If I got anything wrong, feel free to email jbowmancantsleep@gmail.com and set me straight. Hopefully this temporarily offsets any pro-Canada sentiments that come from me on this blog. Just know that whatever the timezone, j.Bowman Can't Sleep.


Thanks for reading (merci pour la lecture)
Thanks for readin'
읽어 주셔서 감사합니다
Tak for laesning
Dankie vir die lees
Oi, Thanks for reading guv'na 
Bedankt voor het lezen 
Okuduğunuz için teşekkür ederim
Tack för läsning
感谢您的阅读
Спасибо за читання

-jB

Sidney Crosby Bowman: Year One

(Disclaimer: to anyone who reads this blog ootside of Canada, I've got something coming in the next post just for you. Three things actually)

This requires a bit more setup than usual. It details and explains something I have referenced here several times: My hypothetical first born child, Sidney Crosby Bowman.

 (This baby will overcome great fear)

 The reason for the name? Well, it's cause of this guy:

(Sidney Crosby Crosby)

Now I'm not a fan of of the Pittsburgh Penguins or anything. To be honest I'm not even a fan of Sidney Crosby, really. The main reason I have to name my son after that screaming lunatic up there is because of a deal I made with the gods. The Hockey Gods.

(Yep.)

So what was the deal? Well it was February 28th 2010. Team Canada was playing Team USA in the Gold Medal game of mens hockey at the Winter Olympics, which were being held in my home country (Canada) and in my home city (Vancouver). I watched the game from downtown at English Bay with some of my nearest and dearest and it was damn special. Canada was winning 3-2 with less than 90 seconds left in the game. We were all ready to explode as soon as the final horn sounded and Canada won gold. The plucky Americans tied the game up at the end and sent the game to ridiculously dramatic sudden death overtime. Here is an accurate video detailing how Canadians reacted to such a development. LINK: Summing things up perfectly.

So I waited in line for the bathroom, really having to pee when I made a deal with the hockey gods. "I will name my first born after whichever Canadian player scores the game winning goal".  Now I should explain that this was a huge deal to me, and everyone else in red & white. To win gold at our national sport on home soil would be a moment that we'd remember forever. It would be like if England won the world cup in England. Or an American team winning the Super Bowl in America. Like I said, it was a big deal. So overtime started and after a heartwrenching back and forth battle. The hockey gods delivered unto j.Bowman....this. LINK: Best thing I've ever seen that didn't have boobs

(Yeah ya did)

The rest of the day, night, week was a bit of a blur. But I do remember the deal that was made. I plan to honor it. Thank god I don't have to name him "Chris Pronger Bowman". I'd put that kid up for adoption immediately. I should prefix this by saying I'm carrying on under the assumption that Sidney will be a boy. I don't understand women at all so if Sidney were to end up being a girl, I would trust her mother with most of the child-raising, and I would start amassing a collection of samurai swords AND start training with those swords in preparation for when she starts bringing boys home.

(You only get 1 first impression, so make sure you are holding a sword)

So, without further delay or pictures of Ninjas, I present to you what I think Sidney Crosby Bowman: Year One will look like in pictures. (Keep in mind my genes are crazy so the kids hair...and age...and race might appear to change frequently. This is perfectly normal for him)

Jan. 1st - Mom goes into labour while dad sleeps off New Years Eve. Not sure who she is gonna be yet, so this will have to do for now.

Jan 2nd - kid is born. Just like his dad, he refuses to do anything on Jan.1st except stay in the fetal position hiding from a bright light.  He comes out of the womb with a fist extended, like Green Lantern when he flies.

(Pretty much exactly how it's gonna go down)

Jan 3rd - After arguing with wife for a day, she agrees to let me name him Sidney Crosby Bowman (SCB). In return I agree not to fart for an entire year. Totally...worth it.

Jan 4th - SCB tries hitting on several female babies in the nursery at the hospital. After facing much rejection, he finally manages to wear one down by being slightly more badass than the other babies.

Jan. 9th - SCB drives himself home from the hospital cause he believes in himself.

Jan 31st - SCB has his first nightmare. In it, his parents are gunned down in an alley cause he was too much of a little bitch to sit through a marginally scary opera. Even though it was just a dream, the next morning, after an intense session of putting his finger in his nose, he starts preparing.

March 3rd - SCB watches "Inception" with his dad.

 March 9th - SCB figures out that his dad is an idiot.

March 18th - SCB first starts to suspect that there is no Easter Bunny. Kid's smart

April 29th - SCB does his first impression of Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars and fucking nails it!

April 31st - Dad takes SCB to the place where the thing he was named after happened. Kid loves it?

 May 4th - Babysitter tries to put SCB to bed. She didn't factor in his skills with a lightsaber.

May 18th - SCB plays his first game of Pool against his dad. Unfortunately he loses because he can't talk yet and when you play j.Bowman you have to call your shots. NO FLUKES!

July 4th - SCB starts to believe it's not butter.

July 8th - SCB listens to Radiohead's album "The Bends" for the first time.

August 6th - SCB watches "Shawshank Redemption" with his dad, later tries to escape the house. Unlike the movie he gets caught immediately cause he smells like shit.

 Sept. 4th - SCB closes out the summer by going to town on his first watermelon.

Sept. 17th - SCB gets trapped in a sandwich. Eventually he escapes. The ordeal renders him temporarily Korean

Sept. 30th - SCB gets his "douchebag facial hair" phase out of the way early.

Oct. 18th - SCB starts writing his own blog "s.c.Bowman Can't Eat Solid Foods". It's pretty terrible.

Oct. 31st - SCB celebrates his first ever halloween. His dad tries to dress him up as Yoda but SCB cries in every costume except Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh

.
Nov. 3rd - SCB stands up for the first time after his dad makes a tiny bat-signal out of a flashlight and shines it at the ceiling.

Nov. 18th - SCB takes his first steps when he hears the theme song for the TV Show M*A*S*H*. He walks over to the TV and turns it off. This is the proudest I will ever be of him.

Nov. 27th - SCB gets in his first fight. Beats the shit out of this kid:

Dec. 17th - SCB wins his first steel cage match by annihilating Jenny from next door.

Dec. 25th - SCB celebrates his first Christmas. However he does not get any presents. Presents are for closers.

Dec. 31st - SCB celebrates his first New Years eve by rocking his first valour tracksuit. The bitches do, in fact, recognize.

Jan 2nd - Sidney Crosby Bowman and j.Bowman share in a father/son fart. SCB then says his first word: "boom-shaka-laka". Mom considers a divorce.

And so ends how I'm pretty sure the first year of my hypothetical son's life will go. I'm sure now there are many of you who hope that I never, ever have any children. Your fears and concerns have been noted. And if SCB's future mother is reading this right now, I'm sorry in advance dear. (You want to score some points men? Try apologizing back in time)

But I don't just plan on stopping at 1 kid. Oh no. I've got plans for the others too. And they will hate me more and more the older they get.

The second kid, I will expect a lot from but he will be a constant dissappointment to me.

Second childs name: Sequel

The third kid, well after hoping that he will make up for the mistakes of kid 2, he ends up being an even bigger dissappointment, causing me to leave the franchise family.

Third childs name: Trilogy

Then I plan on divorcing and remarrying, then having a fourth child.

Fourth childs name: Spin-off

At which point I think an old girlfriend from my early 20s will return and drop a bombshell on me: She had a baby a long time ago, and Maury Povich will confirm my paternity.

Fifth childs name: Prequel.

At this point I will reflect on the life I have had and the women I have had children with. After going through a period of great growth and maturity, I will re-marry my first wife and try it again, avoiding the mistakes that I made before. We are gonna have another child as well.

Sixth childs name: Re-boot.

My family will be equal parts complicated and awesome.We will gladly fight your family at dawn.

It all starts with the namesake. February 28th was an incredible day. So for the hockey gods and my fellow Canadians....Mr. Crosby, let's see another LINK: - Once More, With Feeling.

(Don't worry non-Canadians, I got something coming for you)

thanks for reading.

-jB

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