Peninsula of Misfit Toys pt.1: The 1980s

It says "Peninsula", get your minds out of the gutter. "Island of Misfit Toys" is copyrighted and I don't want a lawsuit for Christmas so I changed the well known phrase with "Peninsula" which is no way should be confused with that other word (the anatomy one). They are two drastically different things, okay? A peninsula is a landmass surrounded by water but still connected to the land and has absolutely nothing in common with--

 (....)

Well, fuck. I'm not changing the title, cause it's all the way up there ^ so I'm just gonna leave it as is and hopefully we can all act like adults and move on.

So nobody point out how much this thing looks like a dink, okay?

What the hell happened to you, Christmas toys? You used to be cool. You used to be guns that turned into robots...who had guns (inside those guns? more guns). Like Megatron down there. If he was underneath your tree on Christmas morning, it is for one reason: He wanted to be there. Your parents Santa had no say in the matter. He was a badass toy and he ran shit. That's how he handled his business.

 (If you pull the trigger while he is in gun mode....does he like it?)

I was at the store the other day buying a chicken (all my best stories start out that same way) and I saw a Christmas toy that is for some reason super popular this year. The size of the display for this thing was staggering and it took a lot of time out of my chicken shopping trying to piece together exactly what the hell they were. Just to be sure, I did exhaustive research when I got home (20 minutes of wikipedia followed by watching "Speed" on bluray. So good) Before I get to letting you know what this toy was, I figured I would take a look back and try and find out when they got shitty. Oh, and if you're wondering how Speed turned out, it turned out great for....almost everyone. (spoiler alert, although if you haven't seen Speed we need to hang out)



(YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Now I can't speak for the 70s gifts or anything earlier, because I hadn't decided to exist yet (even so I was on the fence about it in the mid 80s but my mum and...well, gravity, decided it would be best for me to be a thing). In hindsight, that worked out pretty good for me. Existing is awesome. I get to hang out with monpeeps, watch movies, play hockey and eat cinnamon buns. You can't put a price on that. Apparently Cinzeo disagrees with me, but my letter writing campaign for free Cinnamon Buns should yield positive results.

(Capitalist bastards)

If it's alright with you I'm going to make some "uneducated guesses" as to what the top 3 gifts were for the 50s 60s and 70s.

50's:

1. A box of cigars

2. Canadian rye whiskey

3. A smack in the mouth if you got out of line

60's:

1. Peace

2. Love

3......"we forgot"

70's:

1. Bell bottom jeans

2. Cocaine

3. Bay City Rollers records

Okay, so we've established a Christory for pre-80s gifts. By the way, I regret trying to combine the words "Christmas" and "History" and then subjecting you all to my magnificient failure that just happened. I promise I will never use that word again. Don't let the fact that I opened with a dick joke fool you, I hold the entire staff here at "j.B.C.S." to incredibly high standards of taste and decency.

The 80's and 90's were the shit. Lets take a look at the 80s by year

1980 - Rubiks cube. Helped me learn such valuable motor skills such as...how to peel off stickers and put them back on by color, in order to impress my parents.

(They set me up for success from the beginning, though)

1981 - Lego Train. Holy shit, what? A functioning toy train made out of Lego? Man, I built a Lego castle once and cut tons of corners because I don't believe in instruction manuals (check my entertainment unit for confirmation of this). I cut corners on the castle and at worst comprimised some perimeter defenses. You cheat at Lego train, Lego people will die. And that block blood will be on your hands.

(There were many results for "lego massacre", how could I not use this one?!)

1982 - BMX Bikes - Until youtube, I have difficulting seeing the relevance of these in my life. Now though, if I ever need to see a douchebag (or 60) take a tumble, I have 1982 to thank.

1983 - My Little Pony. Fuck yeah! "This shit was rules" One of the more bad ass of the 80s xmas toys, MLP dominated Christmas. Fizzy and Galaxy were the leaders. They went to war with another toy that xmas and soundly defeated it in sales and awesomeness. Sorry He-Man, you just lost to a bunch of horses who kinda look like strippers.

(pictured: "Hores")

1984 - Care Bears. And the hits just keep on coming! Although Trivial Pursuit was the top selling board game this year (and the cause of many domestic disputes) 1984 belonged to the Care Bears (only the cause of a few domestic disputes). Ironically I couldn't care less about most of them (see what I did there? Me idiot). As far as I'm concerned the rest of the Care Bears can go fuck themselves, there was one who stood head and shoulders above the rest.

(Grumpy Bear: "Straight up not givin' a fuck" since 1984)

1985 - Transformers. For years I carried on thinking that they were robots in plain sight. Oh, how wrong I turned out to be. Turns out, they are robots IN DISGUISE. Which makes a lot more sense then what I thought. Although they've had a rough go of it in terms of decent live action movies they were the shit as cartoons and toys. My one sentence review for the first live action movie: "They certainly did transform, and nobody can take that away from them", and for the second: "Uhh...what?"

(No matter what form this is in, if a girl sees it you are not getting laid)

1986 - Panini Football Stickers. Seperately, I like all these things. But by "football" they mean soccer and by "stickers" it seems they mean trading cards and by "Panini" they do not seem to mean delicious oven grilled sandwiches, so I'm not really a fan of this one. So I'm gonna give this spot to He-Man because I feel a little bit of pity for him when I think about how much more awesome MLP was. HOLY SHIT! I didn't know these existed but they surely represent balance and harmony. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the HE-MAN and SKELETOR MY....LITTLE....MUTHAFUCKIN' PONIES!

(Holy....)

(...shit!)

1987 - "Rubik's Magic" was the hot ticket this year. It was a follow up to the Rubik's Cube, which left us all with tons of unanswered questions like...why would anyone play with this? Rubik's Magic seems overly elaborate, needlessly complicated and in no way fun. It is the "Pirates of the Carribbean Sequels" of Christmas toys.

(I'm guessing none of this shit makes any sense and takes 4 hours of your life)

Did I just reference "Pirates of the Carribbean"? GUESS WHAT I FOUND!

(I wonder how whoever made this washes their hands with all that "time" that's on them?)

1988 - Ghostbusters. Who you gonna call? j.B.C.S. hall of famer Ernie Hudson (Winston Zeddemore), that's who! No matter what the situation, he should be the one you contact immediately. If Spengler picks up the phone, you tell him to fuck off and put Winston on. And if anyone every disrespects his contribution and simply refers to him as "the black Ghostbuster", have your fist "cross the streams" to hit them in the face.

(In this scene, a bunch of ghosts are about to get fucked up...badly)

1989 - Well look who had the top selling Christmas items in 1989. Take a bow, gorgeous!

(nothing babes like more than a car with rocket launchers, right?)

In the summer of '89 two things happened. "Batman" descended onto theatre screens (that's right, descended!) and Bryan Adams refused to re-write "Summer of '69" to commemorate such an event. There was Batman shit EVERYWHERE. Not even the breakfast table was free of his crusade on crime.

(Tastes like justice!)

There was no product that wouldn't embrace the Batsignal that year. And I mean that. Everyone was getting in on the fun. In fact, I think I'm going to answer a question of yours before you even ask it. The answer to the question is: "Oh yes he did".

 (Still drives the car, though)

My Little Pony - Batman. Altogether now "Oh no he didn't" and I feel that I should say it again, for the people in the cheap seats: Oh yes he did. Greatest...find....ever.

So that wraps up Part 1 of 3 in the "Peninsula of Misfit Toys" series. Next up I will be making stupid comments about some of the more popular xmas toys of the 1990's, so if you are dissappointed to not see "Tickle Me Elmo" on the list (or as it should be called, "babies first sexual harassment suit") worry not, I will get to it eventually before the 25th. It is a busy month at j.Bowman Can't Sleep, but it's not like there is stuff I have to do from Midnight - 7 am.

In closing I want to say thanks to all you fine people who read and commented on my last post: "My 6 Point Plan to Sit at The Adult Table". It has absolutely destroyed my other posts in terms of views ("7 Days of Bullshit Horroscopes" took it really hard and won't stop crying) and I really appreciate all the feedback and "likes" and forwarding people have done. I will gladly read any of your blogs in the future and show you the same support. With this new one, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" turns 40 posts old. It was a bit of a dick as a kid, then after some awkward teen years it found some purpose and a groove in it's 20-30s, I look forward to the blogs forthcoming "mid-life crisis". Most future posts will be about sports cars, broken dreams and how much I like blogs that are only 20 posts old (ain't nothing but a number, people!).

As a special treat and an extra thanks to everyone, I've searched for and found some more insane My Little Ponies. Enjoy:

(NOTE: I originally was only gonna put like 4 of 'em but I just kept finding more and more awesome mods and I want them all to get a showcase. I think you'll all agree these are awesome. Well, one of them I hate, but I appreciate the detail)

Like all great things, this should end with Mr. T.

Thanks for reading

-jB

Head over to the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook Page and if you feel so inclined, give 'er a "like". Please help me in my battle to show my mom I'm not wasting my life. You could make a difference. Yes, you!

My 6 Point Plan To Sit At The Grown-up Table.

(This is the year, I can feel it)

Every year I gather with my family for a traditional Christmas Eve dinner. My family rules so I enjoy participating even though I'm not a big "christmas guy". I get to enjoy good eats, drink some E.Nog (that's what we call egg nog on the streets) and enjoy the musical stylings of the Rat Pack (I believe on the streets they are called N.W.A. although that might be a different group). The food is always top notch, especially my favorite, mashed potatoes, but there is one thing about that dinner that does not sit right with me. Wow, I phrased that pretty well because I'm referring to the seating arrangement. I've been going to this dinner for 20-something years and I have never gotten the chance to sit at the adult table. This is a problem.

I think I can bring a lot to the adult table. I have paid my dues and I should get a shot. I was a star at the kids table for years, climbing the ranks until I was the....tallest person there. You know you've been there for too long when your knees no longer fit under the little foldout table and you have to eat your dinner with your legs at an angle. After 2 years of slanted eating I thought for sure I'd get called up to "the show". I'm happy to announce that I did not have to spend a 3rd year being over 6 feet tall and sitting at the kids table. It wasn't because of my kids table performances through the years (I fuckin' ran that shit!) it was primarily because...there were a lot more kids now. All of a sudden, I had many cousins and if they got a shot at the big table before me I woulda lost it. It was my time, whether due to overcrowding or not, it was my time.

Nope.

I didn't receive my chance in the majors. You're probably asking yourselves: "Is Winter Wonderland the best Christmas Carol?" and also "j.Bowman, if you didn't sit at the kids or adult tables, what happened to you?". To answer your first question: Hell yes! And to answer your second question, allow me to use a visual aid.

 (This will make sense in a moment. Sadly.)

If our Christmas Eve Dinner seating arangements were like a map of the world, I would be Australia. 

I literally sit about 6 ft from both tables with my own personal wooden tray table.

 (Slightly better than eating over the sink in the kitchen)

I wish I was making that shit up, but Christmas is not a time for wishing. There is the big table, the kids table and then my sad bastard tray table near the door where the shoes get kicked off. If I need someone to pass the salt, I have to catch it. It gets pretty damn lonely over there. After putting in my time and paying my dues with my diagonal sitting and patience, my chance has not come and I wish the following was not a fact: I'm 6'3 and 25 years old and I've never sat at the grownup table. If I can dunk a basketball, I should be allowed at the big table. Even if I can't dunk a basketball, which I can't, I should still get to sit there. There are many contributing factors to this I'm sure, but even though I suspect my brother, j.Revolver Bowman (jRB) has been holding me back for years, I will no longer be denied. I know some of the people that are going to be at this dinner read j.Bowman Can't Sleep. I want you all to know that I am bringing serious game this year and I will not remain exiled on "Christmas Dinner Island" any longer. I have drafted up a 6 Point Plan (which is a hexagon I believe) that will land me a seat at the big time.

1. Go Viral
    - Check.

2. The Great Red/Green/White Hype

I plan on creating some serious buzz and hype about my appearance at Christmas Eve dinner this year. In the weeks leading up to the big day, I will be getting my inception on and planting some ideas in some heads. This can be done very simply by asking a strange question to each relative in the weeks leading up to the event. Such as:

How much is a 1 way plane ticket to Kenya?

Was KC & The Sunshine Band the most dominant band of the 70s?

Can you deep fry skittles?

Is it possible to move without making a sound?

Hopefully after planting those seeds, my relatives will share those strange questions with each other and come to 2 conclusions:
1. I'm planning on attending a Overweight Ninja Disco Safari
2. That would be a sweet band name.

 

(this was on page 1 of google image search for "Overweight Ninja Disco Safari"....I don't think I want to go on one now)

So that is sure to generate some buzz. Would you not want to talk to someone who is going or has been on an overweight ninja disco safari? Another way to generate some buzz before the big dinner is big relationship news. This is difficult for me though, because as I pointed out in THIS POST, I don't have even small relationship news. j.RB got engaged recently (which is awesome), so his pre-dinner hype is off the charts. My sister, also a j.Bowman (but in pink) got married back in May so she has some Christmas hype as well. So in order to step my game up, I've got to get engaged to twins in the next few weeks. Shouldn't be too difficult. I think the only reason I haven't done it so far is because I haven't been trying.

"All I want for Christmas is you....and your sister".

3. Make an entrance

If the 2010 Miami Heat have taught me anything, it's that the most important thing in life is a flashy, overly complicated entrance. They have taught me so much more, but that one in particular is what I wish to focus on now. I plan on being late to Christmas Eve dinner, but still arrive before the actual seating gets determined. I plan on having an inside man, perhaps my brother in law (he rules btw) in place before I get there. Just when someone asks "Where is j.Bowman gonna sit?" he will turn off the lights, turn on smoke machine that has cleverly been disguised as a present, pick up a large 80s boom box and hit the music. If I can't find an old school boom box I will improvise.

(Not my brother in law, but a resourceful man nonetheless)

So the music starts and for a moment everyong is in total darkness as the opening notes of "Thriller" blare through the boom box. The door swings open to reveal j.Bowman holding two sparklers and pre-wearing one of those colored christmas paper crowns (It will be a purple one, cause purple rules). The lights come up and I continue my meticulously choreographed dance routine for the remaining 4:26 of the song. When this is finished, I'm either going to get a raucous round of applause and earn myself an adult table seat for life, or my relatives will just stare at me wondering what went wrong over the last 25 years. If that happens I'll just pull out a delicious pie that I will bring as a backup. If an overly elaborate entrance won't put me in peoples good graces, pie will. People love pie.

4. Dress for Success

If there is one thing everyone at the adult table has in common it's that they aren't wearing Vancouver Canucks jerseys. It took me several years to realize this, but apparently rocking a throwback Kirk McLean jersey is not classy enough for Christmas Eve dinner.

(It fucking should be!)

I've experimented with different sweater combinations over the last few years, but sweaters just ain't getting it done for me (not even turtlenecks). I've even gone against my personal mantra of "No tie, no tuck" and tried a shirt (tucked in) and tie as well but have still had no success (everything I heard about ties being classy was a damn lie!). And let's not forget "The Great Vest Experiment of '06". Thought for sure the vest would be the answer. Turns out the only thing a vest is the answer for is the question "What makes me look like a waiter?". So after years and years of trying out different things, I think I found the perfect thing to wear. It's got a perfect balance of class, pinache and meat. Nothing would cement my place at the adult table better than the "BACON TUXEDO"!

(Pictured: fictional formalwear)

You know what? No! That picture is not good enough. You people deserve better. And so does this dude. He is a god damn pioneer. Of course he's got geisha bitches just fawning all over him. Look at this grilled playa:

(It only comes in 1 size: Awesome)

5. Take it easy on the Shrimp ring

(The fastest way to my heart is through a shrimp ring, ladies)

Every year a shrimp ring gets put out before dinner and I attack it. I can't help it. Them shits is delicious. I don't care that I might ruin my appetite, and even if I did care I'd do it anyway. I love me some shrimp rings. I feel that perhaps establishing a shrimp perimeter and defending it might be negatively effecting my chances to get the coveted adult table invite. I came up with a very simple solution. I will buy a book of elementary school math questions, and if I have a shrimp, I will not allow myself another one until I solve a math problem. I chose an elementary book because as I've mentioned before I'm rubbish at Math and if I doubt I'd be able to solve anything harder. Only having 1 shrimp is not an option.

6. "Topic Thunder"

I have learned a lot over the years of trying to shatter the glass ceiling that keeps me in Christmas limbo. One thing I've realized is that my relatives don't really care about Green Lantern, or Batman, or that totally bitchin magic carpet level in the Aladdin video game for the Sega Genesis. They also don't care about hearing exactly why Jurassic Park 2 & 3 are shit and how the most underrated film of the last 10 years is the Guy Pearce, Jim Caveziel 2002 revenge epic "The Count of Monte Cristo" (GO WATCH IT!) Seriously. Go watch it. I'll wait here...............

.....

I know, right?! So good. Anyways, I don't exactly bring the goods when it comes to topical conversation. By reading the blog you have a pretty clear idea of what it is like to have a conversation with me. You're left confused, slightly irritated and with a better understanding of nothing that matters. This year, though, I'm preparing some conversation topics that will be sure to show 'em I belong at the big table. I wrote them all down on flash cards because a) I don't want to forget and fall back into my bullshit-speak 2) I think it'll be cool to pretend like I'm a host on a really lame game show....who also wears a bacon tuxedo....FUCK! I can't write those words without wanting to see another picture of it. But I don't wanna scroll up cause I'm lazy and it's all the way up there. So I'll just put another picture here:

(It actually comes in two sizes: Awesome and Adorable)

Back on point now (after a "Bacon Tuxedo Interlude"....also a sweet band name) I've prepared flash cards with news and opinions that apparently are a big deal. The headings are:

"Wikileaks - What is the deal with that?"

"One of the Koreas is being a real dick right now"

"Did you see the Facebook movie?"

"Taxes, eh?"

"Denmark is number 32 in the world among net exporters of crude oil"

"Did you guys hear about politics?"

"This is why I hate Belarus"

"Did you know Nestle products cause impotence in men and women?"

I think those will be some surefire conversation stimulators. All I have to do is occasionally chime in with a factoid or two (one of them might be the origin of the word "factoid") and boom! I will fully blend in when it comes to having mature conversation about worldly events. I'm also going to CRUSH the delivery of my joke in the Christmas Cracker thing (is that what they're called? With the paper crown and shitty toy and stuff. Someone please answer in the comments)

If all of the previous 6 plans do not work out and get me a seat at the adult table, I have one last resort. I don't want to play this card, but I refuse to eat my Christmas dinner in a different timezone than everyone else. My failsafe plan (of champions) is....

EMERGENCY CONTIGENCY 

PLAN 7: Act like a petulant child

When it comes time to sit down for dinner, I'm just going to use my athletic prowess and tenacity to get a seat there first. I'm a young man in the prime of his life and I can utilize my speed to beat anyone to the table. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I WILL go musical chairs if the situation requires it. And if pushed to my absolute limits, if I'm told I must go back to my sad little tray table in Australia and shout my conversational topics I was up all night preparing, there is one card left to play. I will go "tantrum". The indignity of having to eat by myself like a leper is much worse than screaming and crying and refusing to budge from the adult table. If I go, I'll take the tablecloth with me, I don't care.

(Using pots and pans?! That never occured to me. Kid's a banshee genius)

I'm fully aware that such behavior will probably result in my public privilages being taken away and I'll have to eat Christmas dinner in the kitchen over the sink, but at least I'll have my dignity.....oh shit. Well, fuck it then, I will just work my way back up the ranks with a series of 6 point plans. Cause I'm good at executing them.

Thanks for Reading.

-jB

By clicking "LIKE" on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook Page you are supporting my cause in the hopes that I get a seat at the adult table this Christmas. DON'T MAKE ME EAT IN AUSTRALIA!

This Week in Nerd Rage: C'mon NASA!

Holy shit! Yeah! According to an article published earlier this week,  A new life form has been discovered. Finally science has a discovery worth talking about. It's about time. Science was getting pretty boring. We are all still waiting on that cancer cure, so science is due to come up with something big if it hasn't figured that one out yet. As far as I'm concerned, not counting the one above, there are only two scientific discoveries I'm interested in:

1. A pill that makes me good at guitar
2. Aliens

I don't care if they are friendly or not. All I want to see is DOCUMENTARY footage of Will Smith punching an alien in the face and then sass-talking it.

(Fictional....for now)

You know what? NO! A picture just ain't gonna cut it this time. Out of respect for the 1996 action opus "Independence Day", I need to kick it up a damn notch. NO! I gotta kick it up 4 notches and get a video of "The Punch Heard 'Round The Galaxy", which was immediately followed by "the Trash Talk Heard 'Round The Cosmos". Here goes my first attempt at uploading a youtube vid directly..... HI-YA!!




Awesome. That totally steps on my Twitter updates over here---->
But the video is too damn good to be contained by the parameters of "j.Bowman Can't Sleep". Think about that, Will Smith punched that alien in the face so hard that it shattered the boundaries of my blog. I'm gonna allow it.

Now a friend of mine sent me a link to the news story and I was pretty psyched. Before I even clicked the link my mind immediately started wondering what this new creature would look like and how hard Will Smith would have to punch it to establish mankind's dominance. It varies, so I created the "Will Smith Welcome to Earth Scale of Alien Threats":

(About a 3)

(Probably an 8. It's totally gonna eat that dude)

So I clicked the link expecting to see something amazing. Science gave me....this:

(labeled in my images folder as "teal bullshit". No lie)

What the fuck science?! This is your breakthrough?! It looks like a bunch of tic tacs in toothpaste. I was pretty mad. It is not threatening in any way. This is apparently an upclose view of it, from "5 Micrometers". I have no idea how big that is, but I'm pretty sure it's substantially smaller than what I was planning to use to stop it:

 (We were gonna do beautiful things together, "overcompensation gun")

So I'm pretty upset about this already, and I haven't even started reading the article yet. Perhaps it says something about the creatures cells "multiplying at an alarming rate" or something about "potentially enslaving mankind". Science has to dress it up and make it cool somehow or else Sports is gonna keep beating up Science at the bikeracks after school. Here are some gems from this "breakthrough" article:

NASA has discovered a new life form, a bacteria called GFAJ-1 that is unlike anything currently living in planet Earth. It's capable of using arsenic to build its DNA, RNA, proteins, and cell membranes. This changes everything.

 Ok, I'm pretty sure arsenic is bad, and I have NO idea what RNA is, so this can still turn around and be awesome news. "This changes everything" you say? Well any paragraph that ends that way must have a KILLER follow up ready. BRING IT SCIENCE!:

NASA is saying that this is "life as we do not know it". The reason is that all life on Earth is made of six components: Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur. Every being, from the smallest amoeba to the largest whale, share the same life stream. Our DNA blocks are all the same.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?! Talk about the thing that you found!

....have found a bacteria whose DNA is completely alien to what we know today, working differently than the rest of the organisms in the planet. Instead of using phosphorus, the newly discovered microorganism—called GFAJ-1 and found in Mono Lake, California—uses the poisonous arsenic for its building blocks

Wait a second. Hold the goddamn phones, here. This was found....in CALIFORNIA?! C'mon! Why is NASA even looking there? You're doing it wrong! Space is up there ^. That is where the cool shit is. I kept reading, hoping at some point they would give me something to show how this is a game-changing discovery and not just a bunch of microscopic crap in California.

The implications of this discovery are enormous to our understanding of life itself and the possibility of finding organisms in other planets that don't have to be like planet Earth. Like NASA's Ed Weiler says: "The definition of life has just expanded."

Science is starting to come across like that jerkoff kid in my grade 12 english class who gave over-elaborate answers to everything. His name also started with a "J". Dude, if you're reading this, and you know who you are, I just want to take a moment and tell you something: The kite does not represent a loss of innocence. It represents...a fucking....kite. Nobody is impressed by your bullshit. You either Science, don't think cause I took a moment for myself that you're off the hook. This "news article" had one more paragraph and one more chance to redeem itself as something I should care about.

NASA's geobiologist Pamela Conrad thinks that the discovery is huge and "phenomenal," comparing it to the Star Trek episode in which the Enterprise crew finds Horta, a silicon-based alien life form that can't be detected with tricorders because it wasn't carbon-based. It's like saying that we may be looking for new life in the wrong places with the wrong methods. Indeed, NASA tweeted that this discovery "will change how we search for life elsewhere in the Universe."

Are you serious? What a bunch of horseshi- Wait- Hold on, NASA has a Twitter account? Be right back........

jBowmancouver @NASA ...c'mon! 
 (less than 5 seconds ago via web)

That was a real tweet I just sent those guys. You can't give me bacteria and then go referencing Star Trek in comparison. So this has not changed a damn thing. I'm still tired. That god-awful "Outsourced" show hasn't been cancelled yet. This is garbage! Then I find out that NASA discovered something else this week :

And that's without counting yesterday's announcement on the discovery of a massive number of red dwarf stars, which may harbor a trillion Earths, dramatically increasing our chances of finding extraterrestrial life. 

Yeah, that's in space. If you didn't have your heads buried in the ground in California maybe we'd get something going. But that is besides the point. Look, we aren't going to find shit, ok? If something is out there, they are going to find us. So we either build a big ass telescope and try and find them first, or everyone on earth has to wear reflective vests.

 (I will save you all some time, "Slutty Reflective Vests" do not generate many images on google)

So nothing about this to me seemed life changing. My life is the same only I'm slightly more upset with NASA for getting my hopes up with this "big announcement". I'm sure there are some science majors who got a huge boner over this cluster of germs but for me, I was kinda hoping for something that would at least register on the "Jeff Goldblum Welcome to Earth, Effeminate Slap Scale"

 (One of these men....fights like a bitch)

So in order for me to make this news some kind of big deal, at least a little bit, I'm going to take this opportunity to be (hopefully) the first person to hate on this headline grabbing bacteria called GFAJ-1. I wanna be the first one to start some horrible, ignorant prejudices against this new life form. For instance did you ever notice how GFAJ-1 can't read? Or how about the way GFAJ-1 never washes its hands? I even heard, from inside my own head, the GFAJ-1 and NASA are bangin'. I'm going to go so far as to invent a word that is a derogatory name for GFAJ-1 cause I wish to belittle it's importance even further (and I'm sure given the choice it would call me "Powder", which I consider an anti-pale slur). I will henceforth refer to GFAJ-1 as (sneer) "Mugby" (I had to search that on urban dictionary to make sure it wasn't something that would offend anyone else. All clear, gang).

For the record I absolutely realize how screwed I am if all of a sudden this thing's cells "multiply at an alarming rate" and GFAJ-1 becomes an actual threat to mankind. I don't care. Sure, I'd be the first to die, if those stupid illeterate Mugbies were able to read my address...and weren't so poor.

 (If someone teaches them how to read I'm fucked)

Thanks for reading

-jB

By clicking LIKE on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep facebook page you are entering into a legally binding agreement that you will not teach filthy mugbies to read. I appreciate your support, as always.

Irrational Fear of the Month: December

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all of the sleepless knights who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about Music from the 1920's

(This contraption only plays evil)

Every month here on "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" starts with me admitting an irrational fear and explaining to people who think I'm just being a big pussy why it scares me. I feel this may be one of the most irrational fears yet. However I stand behind it 100%. If you need to convince someone that something is haunted, creepy or just plain wrong, there is a secret weapon that you can utilize. There is something inheirently spooky about old phonograph style jazz music. It's pretty damn unsettling. I don't remember which movie it was, but there was a recent film that played 1920s jazz over the end credits. I've never been terrified while reading who the second unit director was...and I still haven't for two reasons.

1. I got scared and ran out of the theatre like a little girl (jump rope, pig tails, the whole deal)
2. 2nd unit director? Aside from his mother, who gives a shit?

I'm not sure what I find so fear inducing about this music, perhaps it's the always present "static" sound in the background. I would not be surprised to hear a demonic voice tell me to feed my stereo a cat in the middle of a song. I have no idea how people in the 20's didn't spend their entire days pissing themselves whenever they'd hear this music on the radio. I'm also willing to bet that they had no choice in the matter, the radio would turn itself on and off when it felt people were going too long without ruining their trousers. You know all the popular twists we have nowadays? I believe they were all written back in the 20s when the popular music at time creeped the shit out of people. Classic twists like "He's been dead for 10 years" or "The calls are coming from inside the house" or "Olivia Newton John is a whore now, so that makes everything alright". I'm 78% positive "Grease" was written in the 1920s (I don't know what a hand-jive is....all I know is that I don't want one). This music was also pretty much the official soundtrack of two dark dark times in human history: Prohibition and The Great Depression. Everything I know of Prohibition comes from "The Untouchables" and I'm not sure when the great depression happened but surely it must have been at the same time. I'd normally search online to find out exactly when it was, but it's 6:21am and the google search bar is all the way up there.......so fuck it, let's just say it happened in the 20s and move on.

So this might be the hardest Irrational Fear of the Month to explain in....ummm....words, but I've worked diligently to present it to you in a very stupid way (it doesn't take that long). So I compiled some pictures from various sources, and have created 2 montages set to very different music. The pictures I selected were primarily from google searches for things like "fun", "Carnival", "Rudy", "Friends", "Party", "Family" and I even tried "wholesome" just to get the happiest pictures to further emphasize my fear of 1920's music. It can turn even the most pure montages into something that's unholy and 7 different kinds of wrong. So here is the first one, which I also needed a song for. I chose the song that basically plays in my head whenever me and "mon peeps" are hanging out, laughing, drinking champagne and anything else that makes us look like we're in a Sears catalogue. The song of course is "Closer to Free" by The Bodeans which incidently was also the theme song for the tv shows "Party of Five" and the sci-fi action packed thrill ride that was..."M.A.N.T.I.S."

 (See that guy? Right there? He played the M.A.N.T.I.S.)

Bodeans, "Closer to Free". A familiar song to anyone who watched Party of Five or the two guys who watched the first 20 minutes of M.A.N.T.I.S. before the network cancelled it mid-episode. I'd like to think MANTIS caught the guy. Without further delay, Let's go to the videotape!

Now that was actually kinda nice. Some happy stuff in there. Zack & Kelly? My heart has been warmed. That montage, you would think, is incorruptable. That's what I thought too, and I'm the one who made both of these. Now check out the EXACT same video only all I've done is changed the music. The song is "St. James Infirmary" by a guy named Cab Calloway who is probable dead now.

(*12 seconds of research*)

Yep, he dead. So here is montage 2, and even though I've done NOTHING to change this video, keep in mind it might be haunted by a dead man. As if it wasn't creepy enough already. I didn't just have this song on my itunes, so I had to go searching for it which meant confronting my fear head on. For like 45 minutes. I had to watch 8 Mile twice afterwards just to get my courage back up to a tolerable level. If Eminem can find it within himself to square off against Papa Doc and the Free World in a rap battle, I think we all can find the courage to listen to 90 seconds of this. Turn off the lights and check out what has become of my wholesome  montage.

God....damn...terrifying.


Okay....I'm man enough to admit that I added a picture of Reba McEntire in there to emphasize the creepiness (she's got dead eyes and no soul. Look at her and tell me I'm wrong). "Anonymous" has decided to disagree with that and go to bat for Reba and her beauty down in the comments section. Now keep in mind I've never met Reba and I'm sure she is a lovely lady (and she rocked the shit in "Tremors"), however that does nothing to disuade me from my belief that she looks like a face eating succubus. I found some more pictures of her, so you can decide for yourself:

She probably is a lovely woman, but these four random Reba pictures have done little to sway my opinion that her face is trying to escape to the back of her head. Anonymous, if that is your real name, if you still feel strongly in the alternative, that's cool. Agree to disagree......but seriously just look at her.

Aside from the Reba pic in the montage, anything else you saw in that video is probably your mind playing tricks on you because the music is eery, spooky and just plain wrong.

The Shymalan picture was added by me as well, cause fuck that guy. Seriously.

Thanks for Reading

-jB

Hitting LIKE on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep facebook page immediately enters you into a raffle where I will sing you "The Song That Never Ends" for 4 days straight. It is actually a pretty annoying prize to win, but you'd still be a winner, so that's something.