Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; June

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of June 2011:

Macho Man Randy Savage's Elbow Drop 

Randy Savage, also known as "Macho Man", "Macho King" and "Bonesaw Mcgraw" died at the end of May. It was pretty publicized and it seems like he touched a lot of people in his time on Earth. A whole generation grew up watching him touch other people as well. With his Elbow. From the top rope.

Shit was devestating and it stood the test of time. Throughout his career, any time he would go to the top rope and drop that sucker, people went wild for it. And so they should have. It was awesome. Unfortunately, the elbow drop pictured above ended up not going the way it should have. It happened back at Wrestlemania V in 1980-something. The guy who Savage decimated with it, Hulk Hogan (douchebag) got up 2 seconds after receiving it and went on to whoop Macho Man's ass and win the match like a minute later. It was bullshit. Wrestling may be fake, but Macho Man is real. Damn real. His elbow drop wasn't just something that some random dude in yellow panties could just shrug off like it was nothing. It has the ability to do untold damage of unfathomable degrees. Don't believe me?

Remember when we were supposed to get "Raptured" back in May? Everyone was crazy worried about it. Guess who died the day before it was all supposed to go down? That's right. Macho Man Randy Savage. The following is an artist rendering of why we didn't end up raptured.

(Remember kids, Savage dropped an elbow for your sins)

The power of the Elbow Drop compells you. "Oooooooh Yeahhhhh"

Welcome to the hall.


Hell yeah! Who doesn't love waterguns? If you answered "Inhuman monsters" and "Wicked Witches of various compass directions" You'd be correct.

See that l'il guy up there? That is the Super Soaker 30. I had one. I also had a 50, 100 and a 200. I thought I was pretty king shit. Those were pretty much the main water guns when I was a kid, and the 200 was pretty much the top of the ladder in the aquatic arms race in our neighborhood. Which I'm glad to find out, because shit has gotten crazy since I was a kid and I'm surprised there aren't more water gun related deaths every summer.

(Oh, to be dry AND overcompensating)

(If your watergun is too cumbersome to hold, you've won the water fight)

I have been working on a feature article about the evolution of waterguns, so I want blow my lasagna here but I just wanted to induct these marvels of modern technology for teaching us that it is NOT OKAY for other children in our neighborhoods to be dry. We try to invite them over for freedom, democracy, and ice creak cake but they refuse to get close enough to our garden hoses and actually build a foundation of trust (which we would immediately break, thus soaking their asses).If they wouldn't come to us, we had to go to them and for that, I thank you, waterguns.

(Dryest man on Earth. Not pictured: Water Nuke)

Welcome to the hall.

Those Jaw Things That Take Out Staples


I can only think of one piece of office supplies that I'm actually intimidated by. No, not you, replacement color ink cartridges. I'm talking about those deadly bits of cubicle weaponry up there that somehow haven't been outlawed yet. I will readily admit that I am not good at stapling things. It's one of my secret shames. And having to come to grips with the fact that I've botched a staple job is embarassing enough without having to use my fingernails (that I don't have, cause I bite 'em) to pry up a staple. I always end up stabbing myself under a nail and it winds up hurting for like 3 months. Not if I reach for my handy friend here though:

(Ya fuckin' done, staple. Deal with it!)

Welcome to the hall.

Christmas Lights

(For all the trouble it is to untangle those fuckers, it's totally worth it)

Little known j.Bowman fact: I leave my christmas lights up in my apartment all year. Asthetically (butchered that spelling probably. Do not care. You know what I mean) it doesn't really bother me during the day, and I dig the way they illuminate my place when it's dark. Who the hell decided I can't have the place jazzed up whenever I want? December only? Fuck you.

It works for all sorts of things. It's great low lighting for watching movies if you are one of those that need a little bit of light aside from the TV. It also doubles for cheap, awesome mood lighting (ladies?). And for the record, I'm very pro-string lights and anti-lights that are in the shape of some Christmas bullshit.

(Pictured: Christmas Bullshit.)

If you are wondering, which I highly doubt you are, my favorite light strings are the RED, WHITE & GREEN ones. They seem like they can be very versatile for any social or bow-mantic gathering you might have and they look classy as fuck. Any other variants I am not a huge fan of, but the fact that they are bright pretty lights still make them a welcome viewing every christmas whenever I feel like it.

(How do I tell if my yard is gay?)

Welcome to the hall.

The Smell of Clean Dishes

(Wait, what?)

Okay. This is a strange one but it's my hall of fame and I will curate it however I please. That first waff you get of steam and clean dish smell when you open the dishwasher is what I am inducting here. It's hard to describe how awesome it is and how much I enjoy those 8 seconds post-dishwashing. I don't think I'm alone in this. At least I hope not. Nothing more distressing than finding out you are the only person with a very specific fetish. Oh shit. Did I say fetish? I meant....ah screw it. Clean dishes smell amazing and I will shout such things from the highest mountains if need be!

Welcome to the hall.

So there you have it. Another month closed, another bunch of entries in the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame

Thanks for Reading


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