Thursday, July 7, 2011

Irrational Fear of the Month: July

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all Monpeeps who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about playgrounds

(I'm pretty sure that slide has buttresses. Slides shouldn't have those)

Question for you: What is the #1 cause of all playground related accidents or deaths?

That's right, playgrounds.

I would normally say they've gotten out of control but it's been that way for a long long time. Whether frustrating people with inane obstacles that violate the laws of nature and entertainment, or being the arena for drunk teenage nighttime olympics, these things gotta be stopped. Don't believe me? This is a picture I found while searching for photos for this post:


I should not stumble upon that photograph while searching for playground pictures. Yet I did. I should not stumble upon that photograph while searching for ANYTHING that isn't the phrase "Bert Gordon invades your nightmares forever". I am just going to carry on and assume that Bert Gordon haunts every playground in the world. Seems like a reasonable conclusion.

Whether big or small, in the park or in the backyard, playgrounds have been a blight on our society for eons. First of all, kids seem to love them. The sheer joy on a childs face when they are bombing around on a playground just makes you feel so sad that they are having the expectation that life is going to be that awesome forever drilled into their heads. I have been called a cynic before, and I will not fight that label, however I honestly wish someone would have come along and kept my spirits at a realistic level when I was a child so I wouldn't be blindsided by adolescence and adulthood. It's for that very reason why I would spend time at playgrounds, yelling at children "You're lives are peaking! It will never be better than this. Keep shit in perspective!". For many, many obvious reasons, I do not do that. Mainly because I don't really like a lot of kids (they are assholes) and will try to avoid them if given the opportunity. Another reason I am scared of playgrounds: they are infested with children.

 (Hey Mom & Dad. Maybe less playgrounds, more contraceptives)

The design of these things is just a big bright twisting trap of death utilizing the entire color spectrum. Some of them I truly believe are specifically designed to hurt, maim, torture and inflict maximum suffering on both it's target demographics (little kids and drunk teenagers). Both of those groups pretty much operate on the same mental strength level, so it should be no surprise that people of all ages could be harmed by these prime colored monstrosities.

( you climb up the ladder....and then you die. FUN!)

Each section of meticulously designed playgrounds offers specific horrors for anyone who finds themselves playing on them. Such sections include:

The Slide:

(Nobody gets a second turn on this slide)

Slides are good for about 45 minutes before it they loose their "slidiness" and it becomes impossible to slide down them at a speed even close to approaching what one would call fun. The first 17 kids that go down it probably enjoy themselves. The slide is the main draw of the playground. It is often times the highest point and it can teach basic social skills like waiting your turn. It can also teach you far more valuable skills like budging in line and forcing your way down the slide before anyone can stop you cause, well, gravity bitch! Also, after the first night, I guarantee you someone has pee'd on that slide. Guarantee!

(Nothing scary about this sequence of events at all)

I once did a Goosebumps "Choose Your Own Adventure" Book. You know the ones.

If you want to do A turn to page 53
If you decide to do B turn to page 130
If you are a fucking reckless idiot and want to die, turn to page 4.

I fit into that third group. Anyways, one of the misadventures had me ending up being stuck on a slide for all eternity. I thought "huh, well that would be a shitty death" and then I closed the book and decided to stick to movies for the rest of my life. That night I had an extremely vivid nightmare that I ended up being stuck sliding for all eternity.

(Yep. This...forever)

The word "nightmare" might not be strong enough. It was one of the worst, most fucked up dreams I've ever had. I grew old in it, man. I had to go to the bathroom on that thing....and would just slide along with me. It was awful. "Inception 2" wouldn't have the balls to tackle such a subject as that dream.

(Inception 2. This goes on for 45 minutes)


You know what? Aside from being very creepy when they are empty, I got no problem with swings. I love 'em. Who doesn't? I wish that there were more swings in everyday life situat-


The See Saw:

You know what is fun about the See Saw? Nothing.

"Just put a fucking board down across another board"
"Should we put a handle on it at least?"
"If we have time...even then, probably not"

(They'll figure it out)

What kind of significant launching power can a little kids legs get? Not enough to either have fun or do some serious launching of other kids. Both of which had to be the main priorities when the See Saw was invented by Artemis See and Cornelius Saw.

(Is this them? I'm pretty sure it's them)

Wanna laugh in the face of god and his pedestrian rules of physics? Bam! 4 way See Saw.

(You kids are all going to hell)

The Corkscrew thing

Odds are good the skinny kid got stuck inside and was left there at recess to die.

(You suck at this. However it works. You suck at it)

Those Tic Tac Toe things:

This is where nihilists learned that nothing matters and that the world is just a series of pointless stalemates. Nobody wins at tic tac toe. Nobody! Not even the dumb kid who gets facewashed every time it snows and cries. You know, the reason we get that announcement from the Principal between recess and lunch about "Proper snow etiquette". It's all this kids fault. Not even he is dumb enough to lose tic tac toe.

(Walk it off, ya pansy!)

Ballpit (special indoor inclusion)

(Can you spot the skeletons?)

Hookers will confirm it, nobody can hear you scream when you've got balls in your face.

You have no idea what's down there. You have a 102% chance of ending up with someone elses band-aid stuck to you. Which is obviously horrifying. But what other instruments of fright lie at the bottom of the ballpit? Who knows? I've never seen one that didn't have balls in it. One thing I do know, is that if there were such a thing as a little kid mafia, this is where they would dump the bodies.

(It's his own fault for betting against the Knicks)

The Sandbox:

This shit shouldn't even count. It's barely a playground item. It's just clean dirt that someone put wood around. That's it. Drop in some shitty toys and a lot of urine and you have yourself a sandbox. Not that scary. If it were a quicksand-box, then maybe I'd deem it scary enough. As it stands, I just consider this to be a spot where they would've put more swings if they had the money.

The Random Steering Wheel that's just...there

(I'm afraid of how angry you make me)

The Anything But "Merry" Go-Round:

(The last thing you see before you die)

This is it. This is the big one. The large kahuna. The circumferance of suffering. The cyclone of psychotic breakdowns. The circle of scary. The twister of terror. The round and round of "hit the ground". The sphere...of fear.

I know it's technically NOT a sphere, so I will stop there. NO WAIT- "The broncing buck of what the fuck"

Now I'm done.

Whatever you choose to call these things (I've given you several options above) one thing we can all agree on is that they are the spinning wheel of death. Where legends are born and weaker kids die. Also where drunk teenagers end up throwing up and wasting all those wine coolers they drank. It's all fun and games until either someone's dad or the kid with ADD starts spinning it, then it becomes a struggle against g-force and survival of the fittest. The scariest thing about this one, either as a kid or adult, is that feeling of barely being able to keep your grip. That feeling of nearing your breaking point where you have to let go and you entrust your fate and well being to wherever you may land. Also, there are lots of girls watching, and you will look like an ass.

(When "Geoffrey the spaz" starts spinning it, it's time to get the fuck off)

In closing, I just want to say that I would rather be in a graveyard at night than a spooky empty playground. The wind rustling through empty swings. The faint sound of a homeless dude peeing on a slide. And who knows what kinds of accidents happened on the merry go round. I think the likelihood of a ghost haunting the Merry Go Round they died on is higher than that of a cemetery.

(Beware the ghost of fucking morons)

Thanks for Reading

- jB

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