Saturday, April 30, 2011

Royal Wedding 2011: Are You Having a Laugh?!

The wonder, the romance, the beauty, the pageantry.

Yeah I didn't see it either.

(Pictured L-R: Human Opinion, Kate Whatsits and Prince Baldspot)

That little girl on the bottom left represents my feelings on the matter perfectly. It's been a few days since "Royal Wedding Fever" took the majority of the world by gun point and absolutely enchanted millions of people who are huge fans of slow driving, standing at an alter, and waving. OH HOW THEY WAVED!


After years of dating, Prince William and Kate Whatsherface got married and it was a pretty big deal apparently. I am not really sure why, as the Royal Family doesn't hold any real political sway as far as I understand it. If this was like the 1600s, by all means, make a production out of it. Chances are back then if you didn't care you'd get beheaded. Nowadays we have the right and the freedom to look away and shrug yet a legion of people showed up, tuned in and were on the edge of their seats for no good reason.

(I think we can all agree if a crowd this big gathers, Snoop Dogg has to at least be involved)

The Royal Wedding was insane. Not in a "holy shit did you see that car flip end over end three times and land in a pool" insane. More of a "the world has gone crazy and is eating it's own hair" insane. I didn't understand one moment of the buildup. People get excited for all sorts of silly things these days (like Wrestlemania) and I don't begrudge anyone for being fired up about something that is awesome to them. But there is nothing awesome about a wedding for a bunch of rich people that you don't know and that you aren't invited to. Apparently over a million people showed up and watched from outside. Oops, sorry. Did I say "watched"? They didn't get to watch. There were no screens or anything so the people that had camped out for days beforehand just...kinda got to stand outside. I can relate.

(My view on most Friday/Saturday/Tuesday nights, so I can totally relate)

So yeah, millions of people just kinda stood there outside while something that they basically helped pay for happened without them involved in the least. And no, I do not consider dressing up in a silly costume and waving a union jack to be involvement.

(For reasons too obvious to mention)

Now I feel the urge to mention that I didn't watch the wedding, but if I did the only reason would have been to see if that Ginger Prince got all liquoured up and set fire to something. Apparently, according to the news, that didn't happen. Or maybe it did, only it didn't have the appeal of watching people wave.

(Prince Harry disappoints everyone watching by not stirring shit up and instead: WAVING!)

The only coverage of "Royal Wedding 2011: Beyond Thunderdome" I did watch was on the CBC News here in Canada. Peter Mansbridge took a break for having the most awesome name in the history of ever to bring us the highlights. I do not ever really watch the news. I piece together most of my current events from Conan's opening monologue, but Hockey Night in Canada has made the CBC a fixture on my TV dial so I accidently ended up watching the news coverage before a game and I was stupified by some of the things I heard and saw and even something that I smelled (although to be fair, that had more to do with overcooked rice than it did the Royal Wedding)

(Peter Mansbridge in a B-Boy stance. "In tonights news, that's hip hop. That's the struggle")

Now I haven't watched the news in A LONG time. It was not a very welcome reintroduction to watch Mansbridge up there absolutely fellate this wedding with a shit ton of coverage. A metric shit ton. They showed shots of the crowd and of people camping out on the sidewalk in the cold just to get a view of shit slowing driving by. It's not like they were waiting in line for something important, like Rihanna tickets. They then showed shots of all the crazies with their faces painted and wearing T-Shirts with hilarious "It should have been me" slogans on them. Then they showed a bunch of fighter jets flying over the crowd as the British newsman said this shiny gem of "whatthefucktitude"

"What those aircraft mean to this country, you can't say enough about"

(Actually sir, you can. You can say why)

I later found out they were World War II planes, but still, he could've at least mentioned that. Then the coverage shifts to inside the church or wherever they had it, I don't know. And they showed Elton John there, which is pretty awesome because Elton John kicks ass. But then they started picking apart every subtle little detail. Whether it be how Prince William was standing to how he whispered to Kate Whatsits "you look very pretty" when she got to the alter. You know what would have been awesome? If the camera caught him delicately and romantically whispering the words "Tonight, I'm gonna tear that ass apart" to her.

("Don't laugh. I'm serious. That thing is in danger tonight")

They did their vows or the whole "Do you ____ take ____ to be your ____?" thing and I heard Prince William speak for what I then discovered was the first time in my entire life. I seriously don't remember EVER hearing that fella utter a single word. Thankfully though he didn't sound like Mike Tyson or anything but god damn he had a deep voice. And it was pretty awesome. This guy narrates Morgan Freemans life. That's how dope his voice is. Then he put the ring on her finger and *gasp* there was a tiny struggle! Ohhhhhh shit! The entire event almost collapsed because of either her increasingly fat finger or the fact that he didn't know the ring size of the woman he apparently loved. As I alluded to earlier, I am almost positive that whoever made the ring was then beheaded afterwards, because clearly with this wedding being such a big deal and based on the amount of attention we must be in the 1600s.

(No matter the era, Martin Lawrence keeps it real) *

So after all that the coverage shifts over to the balcony scene, and the millions of people standing below it going apeshit over waving. They showed people actually wading through a fountain to get a SLIGHTLY better vantagepoint of the waving. And I bet they are glad they did, because then this happened, much to the excitement of every living thing on the planet. The Royal Kiss!

Okay, I'm now being told that isn't the right footage. So I will try this again. Google search for "Most Important Kiss Ever" can't let me down, right?

What? Dammit! See that there had legitimate emotion and made me all warm inside. Fictional or not, Kevin and Winnie fucking brought it. Okay, once last try, google search for "Overrated Regal Bullshit Cousin Peck"....(fingers crossed)

Got it, with hilarious German commentary. Is there no german phrase for "moment of a lifetime?" She said that in perfect English?

I remember the news coverage I was watching asked the question: Could that kiss save the monarchy? I didn't know the monarchy was in trouble. I mean, I know they are completely ineffectual and essentially just celebs for celebs sake now (any Brits reading can feel free to correct this). Oh, and while we are at it, there was another thing that confused the hell out of me. The couple was referred to as "The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge". I thought he was the Prince of England and now she was the Princess? What the hell, England?!

(Princess Duchess of Alderaan Leia)

So the news recap is STILL going, and now it is consisting of asking people all around Vancouver what the wedding means to them. There is no truth to the news, because not one person interviewed said "Nothing. It doesn't effect me in the slightest possible way. What a stupid fucking question". They showed a bunch of hair salons that were offering to give people a "Kate cut" in celebration of the wedding. After watching that and a girl who just got one saying how amazing an event it is because "we watched their relationship blossom from the very beginning" , I sprained my left eyeball from rolling it too hard. It's a hell of an injury that happens to me all too often. Then the news started talking about all the fancy guests that were there. Sadly without an invite? The top of Prince William's hair.

(Oh that's right, I'm bringing the big guns with this post. Scalp smack)

While on the subject of regal scalps, lets take a moment and fondly look back on the crazy fucking hats that we all got to see at the wedding. Even people who were outside or in space could see how south of sane these hats were.

(I don't think I will ever be able to look at that last one and think it's real)

Now the crazy thing is, this recap on CBC news went on for 20 minutes. At which point they shifted gears and started discussing the Prime Minister vote that Canada was having a few days after. Jesus! I am really not into politics or anything but that's crazy. For mon International peeps I feel I should explain that "Prime Minister of Canada" is like our President. Yeah, that takes a backseat to watching a bunch of rich folks wave on a balcony after a lavish wedding that IN AN ABSOLUTELY DEPRESSING TURN OF EVENTS it so happens the British people basically paid for. Well I hope they go their pounds worth, because I hate to think how much it will cost them when those two have a kid and rent out that balcony again....

(Although if she gives birth to a cartoon lion, I will definitely watch)

Given how randy they are, I doubt we'd have to wait for long.

(I love how immature the world is. Makes me feel like I belong)

Thanks for Reading

- jB

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