Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Irrational Fear of the Month: April

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all Monpeeps who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about styrofoam.

(Don't let it fool you)

There is one thing I fear about styrofoam above all else. Now, I'm not talking about what it does to the environment or whether or not it can smell your fear (I touch on both of those below) the main thing that causes me to fear styrofoam (irrationally) is very simple:

I am afraid of the effect it has on me.

(I do not mean it gives me mental powers...or chicken pox)

Styrofoam causes a full system neuro shutdown. I have made no secret of the fact that I prefer Batman to Superman any day. But although Batman is human I find I relate a lot more to Superman in one regard: The effects of Kryptonite on his awesomeness. Bow-Man's kryptonite is most definitely that white squeeky, mind numbing son of a bitch called styrofoam. No matter what I'm doing, or how well I'm doing it if someone pulls out some of that shit and proceeds to even slightly run their finger over it, I completely lose focus and grab for my ears to block out the sound. I want to get you all on my side, so I will illustrate this point by using a picture of a puppy under the effects of the devil's foam.

(I now welcome your sympathy)

I don't know why I would so openly confess one of my biggest weaknesses, but this is my 9th Irrational Fear and by now, if I ever get out control and need to be put down, you all know just how to do it.

(Pictured: Contigency)

Just thinking about it sometimes is enough to make my skin crawl. The best way I can describe it is definitely as a "nails on a chalkboard" type feeling of uneasyness.

(Totally okay with it as long as Quint does it)

I know I am not alone in this. I'm pretty sure my brother, j.Revolver Bowman shares this affliction with me. We don't really discuss it much, if ever. Although I'm pretty sure it means something that throughout our childhood when we had diplomatic disagreements (read: fist fights) neither of us resorted to using what would fully disable the other's motor functions.

(I always had the "Styrofoam Army" card up my sleave, however)

The best thing that ever happened in the war againts styrofoam was when eco conscious hippies announced that styrofoam is destroying the environment somehow (I'm pretty sure it was a Wednesday). Now I have never been one to see eye to eye with some of those people (my "Carbon Middle Finger" theory is proof enough of that) but I will gladly back them up on this one. I would normally look up some facts to see HOW exactly styrofoam is killing the environment, but much like I don't need to see what it does to know it's up to no good. Styrofoam must be stopped.

(The Styrofoam Humvee: Buttfucking the Environment since 1993)

I once broke a bust statue I was looking at because it came in a styrofoam container. True story. I was so weakened by the squeak and the feel of the stuff that I dropped the bust and broke it and I have never forgiven myself for that. Actually, scratch that. I forgave myself almost immediately. I have not, however, forgiven styrofoam for the large part it played in my clumsiness. I made a pie chart representing how much I blame styrofoam for that embarassing incident.

(Pictured: Scientific Analysis)

Not one to completely sit on my ass and hate something solely for personal reasons (well, not today) I did very minimal research into why styrofoam is considered bad for humanity and this phrase caught my eye:

"Non-Biodegradable - Styrofoam appears to last forever"

Quick, name something that is immortal AND trustworthy.

("There should have been only one")

It really makes me feel uneasy to know that styrofoam, although not a major threat to humanity at this exact moment, is not going to go away. It will just keep accumulating and before you know it we are living in a world made from lightweight polystyrene kryptonite.
(They are gathering their forces in unknown locations across the globe)

We will fight them on the beaches.

We will fight them in the air...

We will fight them at the breakfast table...

We need to gather up all the styrofoam, buy Iceland and just put it all there. Because if we don't, and this may be paranoia speaking, but I'm pretty sure sytrofoam has the power to turn animals against us.

Thanks for Reading



  1. Styrofoam burns really good! I love watching that horrible stuff dissolve back into it's unnatural elements.