Sunday, March 27, 2011

Job Hunting on Craigslist II: Pot Bear Necessities

Months ago, back when the view counter on j.Bowman Can't Sleep read "Nobody gives a shit, jB", I had done a post about the high quotient of nonsense I had come across during a random job search on Craigslist. It's been a long time since I've done that, and even though I have a job that keeps me pretty occupied, I always like to keep my options open so I thought I'd have a look and see what was out there. Basic premise? Sure. But I'm leaving for Vegas in 7 hours so I won't be writing anything in the next week while I'm gone so I want to get some posts out before I go.

Adult Newspaper Carrier Wanted - Here I thought I was off to a good start. I read the title wrong. Well I got all the words correct I just thought they were looking for someone to deliver a porn newspaper. Can't imagine what the articles would be like. Letters to the editor? Nope, instead they do "cell phone camera dick shots to the editor". Dear god what must the classifieds look like? Or the Headlines?

(Next time, read the goddamn contract then)

Should we check in with sports? I think we should check in with sports.....

(j.Bowman Can't Sleep. All class)

Person to paint 3 bedrooms - I opened this one just to see if I could negotiate that down to 2 bedrooms and a nook. Much to my surprise on the inside of the post they ask for someone who can paint 3 bedrooms AND a bathroom. That's how they get you. They lure you in with the promise of just painting bedrooms then wham! Next thing you know you are trying to paint around behind the toilet. Liars!

Odd Jobs - Description reads: Small business looking for someone that can help with all the small jobs of helping the operations run smoothly. There is no title with this position, but the responsibility is to do your best, and to help us out with doing various things like running for groceries, including coffee, checking mail, answering telephones if need be, throwing out some papers, garbage etc.

Oh, I'm sorry but I do believe there is a title with this position. It's called "bitch".

(Anyone who used Oddjob in Goldeneye 64? Also a bitch)

Water Park Supervisor - (Didn't feel I even needed to see the description. Job sounds awesome)

This sounds like a sweet job at first. But honestly, how often do you think some little shit sprays these guys with a hose? Once is too much if you can't hit them. Job requirements include:

- Being able to wear a whistle,
- Being able to blow a whistle,
- Must be willing to go 10 months without steady employment. 
- Being able to say "Aquaman isn't a complete waste of time" with a straight face also an asset.

(For the life of me I can't decide the gayest thing in this pic.The font?)

Computer Desk Assembly Person - Description reads: I need a handy person to help me asemble a computer desk I got from Walmart. It is a very simple looking computer desk, but when I brought it home it has so many parts/screws/hinges that I need help. Would be suitable for a BCIT student into construction who is available at the weekend. Let me know if you are interested. 

Okay, I know it's not entirely cool to mock someone who needs help, but I think I got just the guy to help out with the construction of this desk. His name is Allen Key. He can pretty much do anything.

(Need something anything done? Boom, solution)

re:lynx (city hall) - The description reads: thatsit

It is impossible for me to be more intrigued by one of these posts. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! Is there a Lynx loose in city hall?! Is the job to capture and kill it?! I almost responded to this to find out the answers to these questions....but I got hungry and then forgot I cared so much. Oh and I saw this ad posted....

Pot Bear - Description reads: Looking for (1) one pot bear for our (2) two farms located in the lower mainland. Pervious experience as a pot bear is considered an asset, but will train regular bears. Traits we are looking for in a succesful applicant include: 

-Team player
-Understand basic agricultural practices
-Valid Class 5 drivers license an asset

Well this one is a fucking gem and a half. I should point out that under "compensation" it says "pot". This is obviously some sort of gag, but that doesn't stop it from existing and being a legit job posting on Craigslist.

 (If he remembers to show up, I like his chances)

Nanny of Babysitter need it - Now, I'm assuming they meant to say "Nanny OR Babysitter NEEDED". But sometimes you gotta be careful with assumptions. Perhaps it is written exactly how it was supposed to be. In that case, this is in the wrong section of Craigslist.

Boston Lovers wanted - Description reads: Due to the death of a partner,the Bostons have been transferred temporarily in the kennel down here. We are the legal owners of dogs. As we can not add the additional dogs permanently, we are looking for Boston lovers who would house a lady Boston and maybe a pup for the purpose of breeding . This is why we could not post in pet on craiglist. The foster family will be compensated by sharing the profits on a commission basis. This can continue into a career with us, or just a wonderful opportunity to foster and own Bostons.

Well I already got the picture before reading the description so I'm posting it anyway. Even though, as I understand it.....this is about dogs. Fairly certain on that.

(Pictured: Boston....Lovers)


I'm about 78% sure I just stumbled upon an ad for someone to partake in a conspiracy. Warning to anyone who lives downtown (anywhere, they never specified Vancouver), watch your back in July. Not everything is as it seems...


Barista! - Description reads: We have a small growing coffee shop in East Vancouver serving an industrial area. Very laid back atmosphere. Hours are 9.00 am to 2.30 pm. We are looking for an energetic, happy person with some barista skills.

Whoa calm down. How can you claim to have a laid back atmosphere when you feel compelled to put an exclaimation mark in your post title? Do you love exclaimation marks? Is it a job requirement to use them whenever possible? The description should read "an energetic happy person with some barista skills who loves punctuation but fucking hates semi-colons"


Pizza Barizzta - Okay, whoever wrote this ad, I don't like you.

Money Room Clerk - ........

 (Exactly what I'd do if hired. Mimosa and all)

Come join the Ladybug team! - I will save you the trouble of reading the description. This ad had absolutely nothing to do with the 1992 cine-masterpiece "Ladybugs". I was really excited about this one. Fuck!

(Why would anyone bother to respond to the ad upon discovering that?)

Currently 3:14 am. Leaving for Vegas in a few hours. There, nobody sleeps. Not even a pot bear.

(Plain white gap would've been boring. Added some literary insight)

Thanks for Reading


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