Sunday, March 27, 2011

A Series of Haikus: Goldeneye 64

Anyone who knows me or has ever recieved a facebook message from me knows that I dig haikus. Big time. They and their rigid 5-7-5 structure consistently keep me on my toes and force me to express deep, powerful emotions in 17 syllables. I'm bored, so I'm gonna keep myself occupied by writing about something that I loved at one point in my life using a series of pointless, silly and heavily influenced by lack of sleep Haiku poems. But first, some background.

What is Goldeneye 64?

If you just asked that question to yourself.....get out.

Goldeneye 64 was a video game....based on the James Bond film Goldeneye....for the Nintendo 64. That's basically it. It was a landmark game when it came out. Single player missions were dope, but the real gem here was the multiplayer. 4 player deathmatches that dominated basements and bedrooms in the late 90s on a consistent and bordeline intrusive basis.

I remember when I played for the first time. I was on a team with a dude who played it way too much. I will admit to being a slight liability for our team. I was a n00b, what do you expect? So my partner comes running up to me (in game. We were sitting next to each other in reality) and he tells me to follow him. I do, thinking we are going on some epic bulletstorm to victory. Nope. He leads me to a small room in the level and tells me to "Stay here, and don't do anything".

I shot him. Right in his fucking face. Immediately. He had barely put the period on his sentence and bam! Dead. That was the first time I played what would end up being the definitive game of the late 90s. And now, without further delay or tale of my treachery, an onslaught of Haikus, written at 6 am. There is definitely a specific audience for this post, so if you aren't in that demographic, my apologies. If you are, hopefully this brings back some memories.

"Big head" code was shit.
"Unlimited Ammo"? Great
Why play with no cheats?

Two handed gun use
RCP-90 destroys
Everyone on screen

Oh, what a surprise
Sean Bean dies again in this
Though he lived in "Troy"

Pierce Brosnan as Bond
His face in the game looks like
Daniel Craig's in life

 Natalya sucked ass
Kept on getting in the way
got what she deserved

Xenia was a bitch
killed dudes with thighs during sex
Was in X-Men though

Boris clicked his pen
Same actor played Nightcrawler
In X-Men sequel

Multiplayer ruled
Facility was the best
Fuck the Caves, they sucked

Had preferred match type
"Licensed to kill" was for men
death by quick hand chop

Deathmatch Characters?
No class playing as Oddjob
Grow some balls, be Jaws

Walking 'round corner
When I find the flag I- BOOM!
Proximity Mine.

Out of Gun ammo?
Kill some dudes with throwing knives
exceptional skill

God, the Klobb was shit
Weapon choice is quite simple:
Lasers don't reload

Big part of my youth
Playing this game was awesome
Better than homework

 Remade for the Wii
Now grown up, this makes my youth
turn over in it's grave.

Times were different then
No shit jobs, just Goldeneye
And few had girlfriends


Legacy holds up
Spirit of this game is in
Master Chief's armour

Ladies, don't worry
those days are long behind us
Hey! Look over there!

While they're not looking
guys, now is our chance to play
Goldeneye, once more.

Once more, with feeling.

Thanks for Reading



  1. It took me forever to finish reading because I was laughing so hard. Amazing.

  2. Ever heard of Goldeneye Source? PLAY IT!!!