Originally written 10/29/09:
It's about a fortnight removed from Canadian/real Thanksgiving and I'm finally gonna post my annual list of 10 things this year that I'm incredibly un-thankful for. Again, the disclaimer: this is all in good fun. If I offend...well stop being such a damn sensie.
Before I get another threat from T. Foy, let's get to it:
10. Kids.
Now, let's get something straight first. I don't mean ALL kids. As always there are exceptions. Some kids are funny, some kids are cute and some kids succeed at just being kids and not annoying little douches. There was this one kid I saw at the bank recently, who was running around being a little jerk, until I noticed he was covertly carrying a plastic samurai sword under his hoody. THAT kid wasn't being a jerk, he was just setting up a safe perimeter in case someone tried to rob the bank. However most of the kids I encounter are little jerks. And from what I've seen they either a) don't know or b) dont care. Being rude to their parents, stealing shit, turning into a fucking banshee cause they can't get pokemon cards (still happens), it's tough to watch. And I'm powerless to stop it. The only reason I want to have a kid is so it can infilitrate their society and give the extra stupid ones a good smacking to for me.
And each generation is getting worse. Someone brought up a point to me recently about our grandparents generation and how they had this incredible work ethic and were warriors and loved Worthers Original blah blah blah and I realized how different we are from them. Comparitively, we kinda suck. They would probably look at us as lazy, privilidged spoiled assholes. And they'd kinda be right. But they can't do anything about it! And that is my biggest issue. I'm gonna make sure MY kids carry the torch of not being an asshole, but sadly I'm only going to be responsible for my 10 kids (gotta have enough to pit them against each other in numerous 5 on 5 battles for my love and respect). I'm sure the majority of you will have pretty awesome kids too, but they will be incredibly outnumbered by little shitheads with equally stupid parents. And whose to say 1 of my 10 kids doesn't turn out to be a dick and raise his kids like dicks (it'll probably be the kid I taunt most for losing at anything). We're fighting a losing battle and heading for the "age of the asshole".
I'm 98% positive my great-great-great grandchildren will be pieces of shit. They will be rude, unfunny and talk during movies. There will be millions of jerks and I'll be helpless to stop them from all the way back here in 2009. The only thing I can think of is to not recycle or do anything even remotely green and ruin the planet for them. That'll show 'em! So in the far off future, while all the smart, decent folks jetison off to live on Saturn (fuck you, Mars! Saturn's got bling) everyone else will FINALLY be held accountable for generations of being entitled pricks. And from beyond the grave, I'll laugh. "Carbon Footprint"? No sir! I call it my "Carbon Middle Finger" theory. Think about THAT next time you recycle.
Kid-pocalypse is coming...don't recycle
9. Dropping change in public
Argh! I've probably only done this maybe 4 or 5 times this year, but it's a massive wave of emotions every time. It never happens when I'm getting ready in the privacy of my own home, where I would only be slightly embarassed and wouldn't mind picking it all up. It always seems to happen when there are tons of people around, the clanging sound of change hitting the ground seems to draw the attention of everyone in a 50 ft radius. Sometimes...I just pretend it wasn't me, and I walk away. If I feel particular incriminated I'll throw in an innocent whistle as I make a smooth exit. Most times though, half the city turns their attention to the idiot who dropped a bunch of change and they secretly relish in the fact that I'm totally gonna pick it up of the dirty ground. I wish it didn't feel like such a shameful act, having to bend down and awkwardly try and pry those fuckers off the ground with shitty nails. That's the real reason you shouldn't chew your nails: So if you drop change in public you can quickly get what you need and make a getaway before anyone gets a good look at you.
"What are we all looking at?"
"That guy over there dropped his change and has been trying to pick it up for roughly 20 minutes"
"Is he- Is he crying?"
"It's more of a weeping."
The worst part is, you don't want it to seem like you NEED that change, but sometimes there are loonies ($1 coins for you non Canadians) and toonies (I'll leave that one to you to figure out) on the ground that I'm unwilling to part with. You have to make a rapid fire decision as to what you're rescueing and what you're not. If you aren't quick enough, someone with a lot less shame than you will swoop in and take all the shiny circles for themselves, and are you really willing to argue with someone like that over such a thing? Here is a breakdown of change I use when I'm sizing up the situation:
Pennies - fuck you pennies. Why are you even a thing still? I think the only reason pennies still exist is so the asshole who coined the phrase "my two cents" to punctuate an opinion has a 10,000 year lease on the use of that phrase and we can't phase them out. I'm gonna start saying "and that's my nickel" after I give an opinion, because seriously, that phrase is the only thing keeping pennies around.
Nickels - Regardless of wanting the above phrase to stick...leave your nickels behind. Nobody ever needs a nickel for anything.
Dimes - FACT: If you leave your dimes behind, you will be .10 cents short on a transaction before the day is through. Which is even more embarassing that having to pick one up. And the sides have little ridges on them, so it's easy to get them off the ground. Better to play it safe.
Quarters - You know those awesome "sticky hand" whip things that come in little toy vending machines at the supermarket? You know jelly beans? They both have one thing in common: They don't come out of those machines all by themselves. PICK UP THOSE QUARTERS
Loonies - If you don't pick up your loonies, you won't be able to make stupid bets with your buddies
"I'll be you a dollar that Kirsten Dunst was the lead singer for Sum 41"
"....I will take that bet, because I, as well, have a dollar"
(although he was able to, Guy 2 shouldn't have taken that bet. She totally was)
Toonies - They are king of change and should be treated as such. AND you are definitely going to need it when figuring out a group tip at a restaurant.
Old man at protest rally. THIS is how you drop some change on the streets!
8.PINK girlie versions of sports jerseys
As a guy whose into sports, I find it attractive when girls are also into sports. We can talk about the Canucks powerplay issues, the Steelers 3-4 oft-blitzing defence or Roy Halladay's potential departure from the Blue Jays bullpen (people still watch baseball, right?). Cap off one of those conversions with some diddling and a viewing of Jurassic Park and I'd call that a pretty harmonious relationship. But how do I filter out the girls who are really cool from the ones who don't even know who Trevor Linden is? (instant breakup btw) Ahhhhh the Pink Jersey. I hate you so much, but I appreciate the purpose you serve. You might as well have flashing red lights on you as well so I can stay away in the event of a city wide blackout. It's soooooo much better when you wear the genuine jersey, ladies. Pink Sports Jerseys: It's not cute, it's fraud.
"No distance between us would be enough."
7.Jay Leno
(In hindsight this ones burns even worse now. This was written when he had a show on at 10:00pm that was so shitty it was cancelled quickly. I never thought it could get worse)
In early september I found out that dream I had of Jay Leno being kicked to death by Giraffes with a highly evolved sense of humour during his last tonight show was just that...a dream. At first I didn't want to believe it was a dream. So much of my summer enjoyment was based off the fact that he would never stage his lame rip-offs of celebrity jeopardy again. Nor would he interview 1,000 people with 1,000 questions and edit it down to show us the 7 people who temporarily come down with a serious case of idiot. Jay Leno was gone, Conan had taken his place, and Giraffes had finally done something to almost put them in my good books instead of my "Hate-Duotang" (chapter 1 - "Rod Stewart is filled with dust"). At first, I thought they were rumours. Sick jokes by people who liked seeing grown men like me who love comedy cry. I closed my eyes real tight and remembered that dream. Giraffe necks flailing, people cheering, Kevin Ubanks getting in some well deserved shots with a guitar. Then I saw the commercials and my summer was capped off with a gut-punch. Jay Leno was back on TV...and he was back earlier at night at 10PM! Congratulations Jay, polite, forced laughter just wasn't the same without you. HIS BEST BIT IS READING TYPO'S HE GETS OTHER PEOPLE TO SEND TO HIM!!!!!!
"I'm this much better than you. Your talent is on the floor...of the parking garage...in China"
6.Accidently Pushing a "Pull" door
5.Celebrity Death Amnesia
Celebrities are people too. When they die, it's sad. It also apparently wipes the slate clean for them in our memories as though they never did anything wrong in their entire lives. Michael Jackson was probably the biggest one we've seen so far this year (although I don't remember him bouncing at the Double Duece or making sure nobody puts Baby in a corner. Swayze will be missed.) and as soon as it happened, the universe collectively shit itself with sadness and wept for this great, great man who was no longer among the living. Now, I'm not going to get into the Lawsuits and such because that has been discussed to death and the guy was never convicted of anything (apparently He-Man as a character witness isn't enough for some people)
(Same guy)
BUT tell me the guy didn't think it was the funniest thing ever to dangle a baby over a balcony. He did it. The world saw it. He laughed with glee.
His music was awesome and the cat could dance but c'mon. Let's not diefy a guy who thinks infants in mortal danger is the funniest thing since people started getting hit in the balls with objects of varying shapes and weight. You know what wouldn't be funny? If he came back as a zombie....and got together with a bunch of other zombies.....and had a da- GO THRILLER GO! They die and we always forget the crazy shit they did while they were alive. I love James Brown's music. HUGE FAN. However just because he is dead does not mean we should forget he did this once:
"The woman alleged that, during her ride in a van with Brown, Brown pulled over to the side of the road and sexually assaulted her while he threatened her with a shotgun. In her case against Brown, Hollander entered as evidence a DNA sample and a polygraph result, but the evidence was not considered due to the limitations defense.She later attempted to bring her case before the Supreme Court but nothing became of her complaint"
4. When someone manages to "leapfrog" me in line at Subway because the person making my sandwich is too slow. God damn I am so not thankful for that.
3.Bar-Texting
There should absolutely be a "cell phone check" right next to the "coat check". Extra baggage is just that, EXTRA. Again, there are exceptions to overly using your cellular telephone machines at a social activity. There could be an emergency with friends/family or......hmmm...I guess that's actually it. There is exception. Singular. There might be an emergency. Aside from that, I can't think of any reason to be glued to your phone when you're out at night trying to have a good time. Well, maybe if you're waiting on some test results or something. I don't mean quick messages here or there such as "We're at Momesso's, you coming??" or "Ima be a bit late, be there round 10ish". That's fine. That is not why you made the list this year, Bar-Texting.
People go waaaayyy overboard with bar texting. I saw this shit more this year than I have in years past, and it makes me equally curious and sad. YOU are OUT. Away from your computer or your TV or whatever screen you stare at when you are IN. Why be glued to your little portable screen typing to someone who isn't out with you? Look up, there are actual human people around (well, mostly human people and that 1 really drunk guy/girl who "is totally fine guys, seriously! I'm good!" even though they just spilled their drink on every person in a 10 ft radius). If anything I've learned that if you want to get attention from someone of the opposite sex, find out where they are going to go out to tonight....and dont fucking go there. Go somewhere else, ANYWHERE else. And they'll find you irresistable. They will communicate with you across the city with funny little emoticons and things like "man, I wish u were here, boo" or "dis place is soooo lame without you here". Whatever you do, DON'T GO THERE! It's a trap. Nothing is more interesting to these types than something they ARE NOT doing.
"Hey Beth, who you texting"
"Braaaaad"
"Oh yeah? was he by chance attacked by a shark?"
"No, he's at the DbagLounge"
"THEN PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE AWAY OR GO THERE!!"
Shark Attacks are a perfectly acceptable reason to be texting at a bar. But you're still an asshole. He was attacked by a SHARK, pretty sure he'd appreciate a phone call.
"omg, waitin in line 4 beer. lame! miss u ;)"
(Someone punch that guy, he won't see it coming, promise)
Texting at concerts is fucked up too. Think about it, you're so glad that band you listen to while you write papers or that band that had that 1 song on Grey's Anatomy is coming to town that you spent dollar$ to go see them live. Normally you listen too them while staring at your ipod or your computer screen, But not tonight, oh no. You're going to see them LIVE!! And then these people actually go to the shows....and stare at there phones the entire time. LOOK UP, THERE ARE LASERS! AND A SMOKE MACHINE!!
Oh and hey, concert photographer using your Nokia phone to document the show. Spoiler Alert! Your pictures turn out shitty. Although I do like it when someone infront of me at the movie theatre decides to text, because that bright light, emitting from your screen, that's just helping me aim, asshole.
Some people just make movies a horrible experince. Such as...
2.Line-repeaters
Those people....who insist....on repeating verbatim the line EVERYONE just heard in the movie you're watching should protect their necks. In case you don't know the people I'm talking about (you know several of them, trust me) here is an example from 1992's gift to comedy "Wayne's World":
Funny Line from movie - "If Benjamin were an Ice Cream flavor, he'd be pralines....and dick"
(Everyone watching movie laughs cause it's an awesome joke and people are having a good time)
That Asshole: (laughs, then repeats)"If Benjamin was an ice cream flavor he'd be Pralines and dick!"
That Asshole then looks around, desperately trying to piggyback a laugh from the movie.
I don't know what they're expecting. We all just heard the line. What do you stand to gain from repeating it, seconds after it was out there? The following conversation has never, and will never happen.
"Hey j.Bowman, what did you think of my friend, That Asshole?"
"Yeah, he's hilarious. He can remember a line from a movie seconds after he's heard it, and then repeat it right back to us as though we didn't hear it a brief moment ago"
"Totally, he's awesome!"
"Yeah, let's not beat him to death with his own shoes"
The only thing worse is when they try to do that, but they get the fucking line wrong. Next time someone does this, I'm gonna point right in their face and say "T.A."(That Asshole), then I'm gonna try and enjoy the rest of the movie. I'd never leave without seeing the end though...
1.People who leave concerts or sporting events early to beat the rush
A Conversation that should never happen (half of it anyway):
"Hey, remember at the Jay-Z concert when he did 4 encores and then brought the very much alive Tupac up on stage? And then smoked a joint the size of a bazooka and spent an hour re-enacting all the best scenes from "Glengarry Glen Ross" after which they gave the audience free candy and it rained porn from the ceiling and then Tupac pulled his own face off to reveal he was Trevor Linden the whole time, then they presented him with the Stanley Cup and he declared he was running for Prime Minister and they held an official vote at the concert and he beat Cliff Ronning in a landslide victory, put Arrested Development back on the air, ressurrected Frank Sinatra and appointed Jay Z secretary of keeping his ho's in check"
"No, I decided to leave early so I could possibly get a seat on the train."
"Oh....did you end up getting a seat on the train?"
"No, actually, but I did get to lean on the side where the doors only open like 6 times"
"Oh....cool"
"Not really. I kinda wish I was dead for missing that thing you described earlier"
Why bail before the game/concert is over? You're not Batman. And I'm pretty sure even if there was a special Bat-signal in the sky of Robin getting pulled apart by two horses, even Batman would stick around and see the end of a show.
So there you have it. a few things in the last year that have gotten my ire up. But as I did last year, to prove it ain't all about the hate, here is a short list of things I was thankful for in the past 12....
- When a band does a sweet cover at a concert
- 1:00 am Coach re-runs
- The 1920's
- Friday Night Lights will get 5 seasons.
- When you watch a movie on tv, and it ends, and the credits go by at like 6x the speed
- getting to see a bird shit on someone (make a wish!)
- Euphemisms
- Sea Wolf
- When it's somehow rainy AND sunny at the same time
- Fred Penner
- Samurai Swords
- Movies where the main character talks to the camera
- The word "Gloppy"
- The letter "F"
- The Scrubs Finale
- M.Ward's "Post War"
- That 90 second window when cereal is at that perfect level of soggy & crunchy
- How I Met Your Mother's constant Canucks references
- Hate (not the violent kind...the soothing kind)
- The concept and execution of citizens arrest
- Jurassic f'n Park
- Adding "f'n" in between words
- The snooze button
- Wolf "the Dentist" Stansen
- Weddings
- Wilco, Madden 2010, Maker's Mark Whiskey and a good friend
- Leg Room
- When they forget to charge me for the extra cheese at Subway
- Exact change
- Kayaks
- That special someone....getting what's coming to them
- Apollo Creed's ring entrance in Rocky IV.....
-.....fuck it! ALL of Rocky IV
- The Continued Health of Gene Hackman
(Dear Death: Don't even think about it.)
That's it for '09
Thanks for reading
-jB
