7 Days of Bullshit Horoscopes

A girl I used to know put a lot of stock into horoscopes. In some ways, so did I. But I also once believed that Santa was real (the crushing reality that he was murdered in 1974 was revealed to me at age 4...awesome childhood). The bottom line is, horoscopes are bullshit. Straight up. I still read them sometimes out of curiosity, but lost trust in them because a)They never flat out tell you you’re gonna have a terrible day 2)They never warned me about her. 3) I would’ve appreciated a heads up that I was going to drop my ice cream sandwich on August 6th so I could’ve bought another one. I really wanted that.

(It was one of them Oreo ones too. SHIT!)

Telling people generic things in a positive and hopeful light, admirable as it may be, just causes me to look back and read it after and wonder what the hell the writer was thinking. And that is just it, these fucking things have writers. I knew that before, I’m not stupid, but I had never really thought about a guy sitting in a room somewhere deciding what is “probably maybe sorta definitely perhaps saxophone possibly” going to happen to an Aries today. They seem to follow the same rigid structural pattern of “great thing, hopeful thing, relationship thing, bad thing, good thing, get psyched thing”. I rarely read horoscopes the day after to see if any of it was right, but tonight j.bowman can’t sleep, and fraudulent destiny is at fault. Here are the horoscopes for the last 7 days, brought to you by my horoscope app on my phone, and then what the horoscope should’ve said to be more accurate:

For the record, I am a Cancer. I also don’t think Virgo’s actually exist. I’ve never met one. Seems made up.

Thursday September 23rd:
“Don’t give in to feeling sorry for yourself, Moonchild. You may have had a few hurdles to leap over recently, and you may be dealing with a bruised ego or some hurt feelings, but your outlook is far better than you realize. A difficult person or group of people you are dealing with now probably have ulterior motives or may just be unhappy with their own lives, and are therefore miserable. Whatever the reason, it will become obvious fairly soon. Just let it go knowing what goes around comes around - and it’s coming around!”

(Opinion Sidebar)
a) This horoscopes really need to chill the fuck out at the end there.
2) Who the hell is “Moonchild”?
c) Everything that goes wrong is a result of a network of conspirators that are unhappy in their own lives. Don’t worry though, Karma gonna get ‘em.

What it should’ve said:
“Don’t order the shrimp cocktail at lunch, Moonchild. Sorry, I don’t know why I just called you that. I’m retarded. But back to the shrimp. STAY AWAY! You might as well just not go to Red Robin period. There is a super cute chick who works at dairy queen who is super into “Twilight”. Although this makes you lose respect for her, you being vampirically pale gives you an inside edge. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. Watch out for that guy giving you dirty looks for not recycling your empty Dasani water bottle. It may seem like a good idea to challenge him to a fight, but just because he is an old eco conscious hippie doesn’t mean he can’t kick you in the hacky sack before you land a single punch. Use caution. Also, you should start Roddy White at WR for you fantasy football team on Sunday”


(there is no shame in this man besting you in physical combat)


Friday September 24th
“You are in a long process of transformation, Moonchild. This may feel, at times, like the universe is out to get you. Things have gone wrong, people have betrayed you for no reason, and challenge after challenge has appeared before you to block your path. But all the seemingly daunting or damaging things you are experiencing now are for your own good. You are learning. You are growing. And the paths you are being forced down are the paths you are supposed to be on. What you are going through now will lead you exactly where you need to go”

(Opinion Sidebar)
1) I started writing my suicide note after the first few sentences
b) Again I ask, WHO THE HELL IS MOONCHILD?!
3) After reading the rest of it I stopped writing the suicide note and revised my revenge list instead.

What it should’ve said:
“Okay okay okay, I know things are fucked right now, BUT, I’m fairly certain they are supposed to be fucked. You will soon realize this too, probably. Maybe not, but today you WILL strike out during a slo pitch softball game. That’s pretty awful and in no way is supposed to happen. Maybe the thing you learn from that is that you should take up badminton. Don’t worry though, only 12 girls saw it happen. There are plenty of fish on plentyoffish.com. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. You are going to be ridiculously sore tomorrow, so try and take it easy. Your leg muscles hurt after that dejected walk back to the dugout. And so they should”


(I have obscurred my face to hide my shame, but this is me striking out in slopitch)

Saturday September 25th
“The winds of change are beginning to blow through your life now, Moonchild. In areas where you felt hopeless, soon there will be hope. In ways you were exhausted, you will soon feel renewed. In situations where you felt rejected, you will soon find a warm embrace. And in places where you felt the world was crumbling beneath your feet, you will find a great sense of security. Don’t give up. You may feel that there is no light to be found in a dark situation, But that is not the case. Don’t allow your eyes to adjust to the darkness.”

(Opinion Sidebar)
a)I’m pretty sure this is a Keats poem (only poet I know. I think Emily Browing is one, but maybe she just does porn and I confused her with a poet).
2) if this thing calls me Moonchild one more time….
c) I could’ve saved tons of words and just written one gigantic RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE.

What it should’ve said:
“Enjoy your time out at the bar tonight. A girl will grind into your business, but she is just trying to budge in line in front of you to get a drink. LET HER. Someone will utter the words “epic fail” or “full of win“. It is completely understandable to hit them in the back with a stool. Recommended even. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. By the way, that girl over there isn’t looking at you, but someone near you….so is that girl...and that one….her too. That girl by the pool table, however, is definitely looking at you, but you really wish she wasn’t. You’d half consider it if you could get her out of your house tomorrow before your friends show up at 10am to watch football. Oh and definitely start Anquan Boldin at WR against the Browns for your fantasy football team tomorrow. I know he has done shit all for you so far, but trust me, it’s going to pay off”

Sunday September 26th
“Don’t let fatigue become overwhelming. You might have an awful lot to do, Moonchild, but there are ways to streamline your efforts and maximize your time. The bottom line is that you don’t yet know your priorities. If you choose what is most important to you, you will be able to see things more clearly. With a sister or a female friend, be patient and be compassionate - someone close to you is getting to the end of a long tough road. Your kind words and empathy will do wonders to make this person feel hopeful”

What it should’ve said:
“BOLDIN! 3 Touchdowns! Did I not call that shit?! Yeeeaaaahhhhh!. You will be satisfied with your decision to trust me, your horoscope. You will make me a sandwich with the crusts cut off and we will call it even. The rest of your day will be full of majesty and wonder or something….you know, it’s one thing to get 1 touchdown in a game, but 3?! Unreal. Make that two sandwiches, Moonchild bitch. Sorry, I’m just really excited for us, that’s all. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT ANQUAN BOLDIN. Also, being compassionate and doling out kind words and empathy and shit is a nice thing to do”


(Today you will smash fear and doubt right in the goddamn face)

Monday September 27th
“Something that looks like an obstacle is actually a stepping stone. Something that appears to be a dangerous weapon is actually a tool for self protection. And someone that appears to be an enemy can indirectly offer you great wisdom and some awesome connections. Everything, therefore is not what it seems. A goal that seems out of reach is within your grasp if you don’t limit yourself by preconceived ideas. Don’t let anything stop you today, Moonchild. You are your only limitation, and you are your only shot at success”

(Opinion Sidebar)
1) About time someone else refers to that sword I bought as a “tool for self protection” and not “a dangerous and impractical weapon in the hands of a lunatic” as the local police…and news so incorrectly stated.
b) I thought I was in the clear, but then BOOM! Snuck a “Moonchild” right in at the end there. Dammit!
3) My computer knows the “I after E except after C” rule waaaaaayyy better than I do. Skynet?

What it should’ve said:
“Your bus will ride past a sidewalk at the exact moment a dog takes a shit. You will have a clear view of it. This will ruin your day. Random generic statement about hope rendered moot due to poop. Go home and watch "Sons of Anarchy", tomorrow is another day.”


Tuesday September 28th
“You have a lot of friends _________. You may not even realize how loved and respected you are. Sometimes you get lost in worrying, and feeling sorry for yourself, and in getting so caught up in what’s going wrong that you fail to see what is going right. You are a sensitive soul, and that has a lot to do with your vulnerability to worry. But right now your friends are willing to show you just how much you mean to them. If there is something you need, just ask.”

(Opinion Sidebar)
a) Okay, that one actually worked and made me feel pretty good.
2)___________ was totally an omitted “Moonchild” that I refused to write…..dammit!
c) This positivity is totally harshing on my cynicism. I require that to finish.

What it should’ve said:
“You will spend the better part of your day wondering how many couples have had sex while Chris Isaak’s song “Wicked Game” was playing. You will reach the conclusion that roughly 34,000 couples have been in that situation since the song came out in 1989. This number will raise to 34,001 for a moment, but then you’ll remember that the song that was playing that time was actually “I'm Blue” by Eifel 65. Do not call that girl ever again. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. You decide to think about something else, but THEN you realize Ross and Rachel first bopped on “Friends” while that song was playing in the planetarium. After considering whether or not fictional characters count, the number goes up to 34,002 (Ross and Rachel, and then the couple in the new screenplay you JUST started writing: “Wicked Game”). Pay tribute to Chris Isaak today for all he has done for you, or else he might show up and steal your hypothetical girlfriend.”


(He will take her in his Werewolf arms, and there is nothing you can do to stop him)

Wednesday September 29th
“You have transcended a certain part of your history. You are happy that you have gone beyond that particular period because it was emotionally draining and stressful. Yet for some reason you continue to look back, perhaps in morbid curiosity. This is natural, but it is something you should try to avoid from now on. If you truly want to move beyond that challenging and possibly dark period of your life, you need to let it go completely. The stars are now encouraging bold new ventures and personal evolution. Let go of the past and embrace what is now unfolding”

(Opinion Sidebar)
1) Morbid curiosity always seems like something that would occur in a morgue.
b) NOT ONE SINGLE “MOONCHILD“. FINALLY!!
3) There should be special horoscopes for twins. “Today you will pretend to be the other guy, and nobody will notice.”

What it should’ve said:
“I wrote the exact same shit for Pisces back on June 16th. Please don’t tell anyone.”


So there you have it. A week of innaccurate (not even gonna try and spell that correctly) bullshit (that word, I know). Essentially every horoscope can basically be boiled down and simplified using a brief sentence and a picture of a cat.


(Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of.....)




(Fuck...YES!)

Thanks for reading

-jB

Why me and the lady who serves chicken strips at Safeway will never be friends.

I love me some chicken strips. I do not care who knows it. I order them all the time and some of those times are on dates, which girls that I know have advised me not to do (some of those girls being the person I'm on the date with). I'm not apologizing for being a big chicken strips guy. Get some honey mustard sauce on those fuckers? Ain't nothing better.


(j.Bowman's food porn)

So it would stand to reason that anyone who gets between me and my "poulet de shamedance" (I'm pretty sure that is French for "strip") is automatically declared a "Life Villain" and I will do whatever necessary to make sure that one day, if given the opportunity, ima make you hurt.

Which brings me to you: lady at Safeway who doles out the C-strips. I don't know what kind of injustice you think I put you through, but I'm almost positive we've never met before last week. Now our fates are intertwined as the world will not be at balance until one of us is no more. That may be a bit overdramatic, so I will simplify it by phrasing it as a bus driver would:

Where do you get off?

I walked into the local Safeway by my work, looking for an alternative lunch/dinner option. Apparently eating Blizzards from Dairy Queen several times a day only satisfies the cookie dough portion of the four food groups (Vegetables, Cookie Dough, Dairy aka Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, anything from the left side of the menu at IHOP). Speaking of IHOP, I hadn't seen there spokesperson Cliff in anything in a while, so I checked to see if he was still alive, turns out not only is he alive, he has a smooth Christmas album.

(You know what's under his tree? Pancakes and four different syrups.)

Now, I had decended upon the local Safeway, and after perusing their food selection I saw that they offered a "Chicken Strips and Potato Wedges" special for $3.99 (with a bottle of water!). This was going to be the dawn of a new day for me. Sadly, I was completely right. So, the first time I got them, a dude gave them to me and everything was fine. They came in a nice plastic container that, when opened, the lid provides a decent area in which I can get a pool of plum sauce for dipping in place. They had no Honey Mustard and the plum sauce is in tiny packets, but there is nobody guarding the packets so I always just go to town on them and fill up a bag. I don't know how many I'll need, but running out is a fear I'm not man enough to face.

Now, I hadn't yet encountered my foe. She was presumably charging up her bitch powers and throwing darts at a picture of me in her lair somewhere. It was August 31st when we had our first showdown. Something about that day has been a curse for me the last several years. 2010 was no different.

I asked her for the chicken strip special, politely, and she said "okay". I could've asked for it then commented on how evil she seemed just from looking at her, but I figured that would be rude so I just asked for my food. She has about 5 strips to choose from, she gives me 2 semi-ok ones and then with the final strip, makes a definitive choice that set off a chain reaction that will end with one of us in jail. She looked me dead in my eyes and selected THE SHITTIEST chicken strip I've ever seen. It was like the Rudy of chicken strips only this fucker never would've made it into Notre Dame.

(We both faced incredible adversity in our lives. Only I did it while taller)

It was small and curved and mostly batter. There was barely any chicken on it. Calling it a chicken strip would be like calling "Footloose" a documentary on small town legislature. One of my friends (and one of the 4 people who read this thing) suggested that maybe it was an honest mistake and she just randomly grabbed one and served it to me.

He wasn't there. He didn't see what I saw. She looked me in my eyes and made a choice.

So I fumed and tweeted about this direct blow to my manhood whilst attempting to eat this, the shittiest chicken strip of them all, and I could not for the life of me figured out why she hated me so much. I've got a mean looking face, sure, but I try to make up for it with playful, engaging hand gestures. From now on this will be the only playful hand gesture I send her way:


("Don't let the smiley fool you. I hate everything you stand for")

So you are probably asking yourself "When was the last time I listened to Madonna's "Like a Prayer"?.....also, isn't j.Bowman overreacting a bit to an isolated incident"? First of all, Like a Prayer is the shit. Go listen to it right now. I'll wait...................pretty good eh? One of the premiere songs about blowies in music history. As for the "isolated incident"? Me and this thunderbitch ain't done.

Fastforward to September 4th. Actually, nobody fastforwards anymore so "scene selection: September 4th". I walked into Safeway, hoping she was off and I'd get treated like a decent human being. She was there, arrogantly standing behind that counter, just waiting to fuck with me. I walked up and asked her for the special, and she shockingly said "If you want, you can wait for a few minutes, these strips have been here for a while, there will be new ones out soon". I was fucking stunned. My voice almost cracked when I asked "how long?" due to being in such shock. She said "5 minutes". I thought I heard her use an anti-pale slur under her breath but I couldn't be sure.


(Do not call a pale person "Powder". That's like our n-word.)

I wanted to believe that we could change and learn to live as equals. She took a big dump on my dreams of equality minutes later. 8 minutes later to be exact. So first off, she is a damn liar. She told me 5 minutes. And I KNOW that there is a timer on the chicken strip machine. I can see it from my side of the counter. So after standing around like a dick for 3 extra minutes, she hooks me up with some new strips and gives me my food in a "to go" bag. I hadn't asked for one but I was heading back to work so I wanted to believe she anticipated my needs. Turns out it was just another part of her nefarious plan to ruin my life.

I got back to my office and discovered: THERE WAS NO PLASTIC CONTAINER FOR MY STRIPS AND POTATO WEDGES!!!. They were just randomly thrown in the bag and were just kinda smushed together at the bottom of it! It looked like a shitty food orgy. I took my attention off this woman for 2 goddamn seconds and she pulled that shit. Unreal. So now I had a dilemma cause I had no plates or containers or anything to put the food or my plum sauce on. Dinner was fucked. I didn't go back to the store to get one, which you probably already know because had I gone back, it would've been on the news that night. I made a makeshift plate using a plastic bag I had gotten from Safeway days prior, and by carefully folding the "to go" bag she had given me, I made a "plum sauce trench" that I used for my dipping needs. It was less than ideal:




(Pictured L-R: Unnecessary, Bullshit)

She has put one over on me twice already. There is no hope for us and no turning back. What's done is done. She has gotten in between me and something awesome and it is for that reason, and her stupid face, that I declare:

Me and the lady who serves chicken strips at Safeway will never be friends!

You probably couldn't tell from reading it, but I shouted that towards the heavens from the roof of my building.

Thanks for reading

-jB

B.P.S. Vol 5 - Things I Wish I Could Tell Young Me

For the 5th "Bullet Point Summary", I'm going outside the time-space continuum (FINALLY!). Do you ever wish you could talk to your younger self, and warn them about things that they will face in their life? Do you ever wish that I wish for that, and then upon realizing it is impossible, write a blog post about it? If at least 1/5 of you answered "yes". To the last question, proceed with the expected amount of apathy. The following is a list of things j.Bowman, at 25 in 2010 would love to tell his younger, slightly paler self:

- Don't worry about Jay-Z. He goes down to "98 Problems" when he is able to cross "not fucking Beyonce" off his list

- Your limit is 9 tequila shots. REMEMBER THAT! Do not try and go for double digits just cause she cheated on you. Puking behind a dumpster does not make her come back, even though at the time it seems like it might.

- Axl Rose eats. Like, a lot.

("Welcome to the Fridge")

- Believe the hype! That guy that made "Sixth Sense" is in fact the next Hitchcock. Not Alfred though. Roger Hitchcock, the guy that uploads all those videos of animals pooping on youtube. Same thing, only on the big screen and with Ron Howards hot daughter.

- By the way, Ron Howard is going to have a hot daughter. You will be surprised, confused, aroused....then confused again.

(This will never make sense to you. Ever. Just accept it.)

- Stay in Europe a little while longer.

- Venus Williams has a sister. You will suspect it is actually her brother until 2004.

- Janet Jackson FINALLY combines female nudity with football. The world nearly implodes on itself and nearly falls off it's axis. And that's just with one tit.

- Do not get attached to the Vancouver Grizzlies.

- Your Enternexus account will be irrelevant immediately.

- Your Nexopia account will be irrelevant immediately.

- He may be ugly as shit, but Daniel Craig is a bad ass James Bond.

(James Bond played by a sea urchin? Bold move)

- Laughter is the best medicine, until you start taking the good shit.

- Your keys are underneath your hat, you idiot. They are always there!

- You are not in the bathroom, you are in the garage. Just throw up in the paint can and seal it back up. As of 2010, nobody has noticed yet.

- There will be a black President. It will not be Carl Weathers. In time you will learn to get over it.

(His platform of "Punching America's Problems in the face" didn't resonate with female voters.)

- When you send an important text, maybe read it out loud first before you send it.

- Everyone is cheating at Baseball.

- Tell her to go fuck herself within 2 years, MAX

- That cool "poker" set you got in the small metal briefcase, ends up being a barbecue "poker" set, not the cool gambling kind. You will feel like an idiot, this is unavoidable. Just don't eat all that Burger King to cheer yourself up.

- Don't get excited. Leno comes back.

- None of those years is the Canucks' year.

- That first Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to BLOW YOUR MIND! Yes, sadly I said "first".

- Do not watch "Serenity" before you see "Firefly". DON'T!

- Your taco limit is 5. REMEMBER THAT! 5!

- If you are going to attempt a swan dive off a houseboat, fucking commit to the dive. Don't change your mind in mid-air. You will suffer the worst bellyflop of your life. And you will have deserved it.

- Don't feel weird about asking Christopher Nolan for a picture.

- St. Patricks Day 2010 Las Vegas: Do everything the exact...same...way.

- "Arrested Development" is going to get taken away from you. The wound will never heal.

- The Boston Red Sox will finally win. And then they will win a few more times enough so that you don't like them anymore.

- Do not watch the "Trevor Linden Retirement Ceremony" with her. You will cry, she won't be attracted to you anymore.

- You will be super hungover off gin and strike out swinging during a slo-pitch softball game. Start preparing for that mental anguish now. Striking out in slo-pitch is something you can't wash off and you'll have to live with forever.

- The Pittsburgh Steelers will win 2 Super Bowls. One will be against the Arizona Cardinals. No, I am not fucking with you. This actually happens.

- Do not worry when Jack Black is cast as the Green Lantern. Good things will end up happening...7 years later.

- You're gonna need to grow a pair a lot earlier than you think you will.

- Aaron Eckhart will portray your favorite Batman villain in a good Batman movie (they are coming, don't worry). You will still remain sadly disappointed that "Two-Face" wasn't played by Denzel Washington and Danny Glover.

(Denzel or Glover?.........Why can't it be both of them?)

- Zag, instead of Zigging.

- There is definitely a point at which you are too old to play lazer tag.

- Date a goth chick. At least once.

- After you graduate, keep dating high school seniors until it gets weird. You are going to want to go to a few grads.

- Her dad can hear you, and he already didn't like you.

- You will think the horror movie "Saw" is pretty decent. Prepare to be bombarded with 7 more every october until 2010.

- The ability to search Wikipedia on your phone will lead you to believe that you are smart. However you still won't understand what prime numbers are, so don't get cocky.

- Don't worry about Elian Gonzalez. Nobody else will 5 hours after the ship his ass back to Cuba. (Case in point, all 5 of you probably forgot that kid existed until now!)

(Pictured L-R: A thing, that actually, happened)

- Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, John McClane, Indiana Jones. They will all be back. One of them is bringing Shia Labouef.

- Give the American version of "The Office" a chance.

- Spider-Man 3 is gonna dissappoint you so much you are going to feel like you got punched in the dick. DO NOT punch yourself in the dick afterwards just to see which is worse. This accomplishes nothing. All you will end up with is a hurt dick and you'll still have watched Spider-Man 3.

- Do not buy anything ever. There will be Torrentz.

- You will one day weigh 243 lbs. Do not worry. You will get back down to 200 lbs and "The Poutine Era" will end.

- Your sister will get married, you will get hammered.

- The 1997 "Batman & Robin" movie will only be the worst thing that's happened to you for a few months.

- "Empire records" is not going to be as good as you remember

- Maybe slow down a bit on New Years Eve....all of them.

- As of 2010, Mark Messier hasn't been eaten by wolves....yet. You will remain hopeful well into your mid 20's

(It takes a while to train wolves to eat a piece of shit. In time, Messier, in time...)

- On February 28th, 2010........You know what? Words can't do it justice. You'll see.

- One day, you will finally get some sleep...probably.

Thanks for reading

-jB

Irrational Fear of the Month: September

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all 4 of you who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about the inhabitants of "Mcdonaldland".(The "R" stand for "run the fuck away")

You see those "lovable" characters up there? Each one of them has a backstory. And said backstory is full of terrifying facts about them (except for the Fryguys, cause seriously, fuck them). The others though, form a cabal of fright that goes unrivaled. As a kid I didn't really think anything of it. They were colorful. They were smiling. They liked the same foods and bands that I did. Everything was fine. But as I got older I realized that smiling sometimes is a facade used to cover up how one is really feeling (one of many things I learned from the band "Staind"). I call it the "bull-shit eating grin". Underneath lies such horrors that the happiness on the surface is even scarier. Let's all (4 of us) make a huge mistake together and have a look and see what's under these adorable abominations:

Ronald McDonald (the brains)
(Japan: not sugar coating anything since 1943)

Easy one. The evil is right there on his fucking face. A known factor in determine whether someone is insane comes right out of the first sentence of his bio: "The Clown inhabits a fantasy world called Mcdonaldland". Delusional psychopath?: you betcha. It also says that "over the years, Mcdonaldland has been phased out and now Ronald spends most of his time interacting with kids in their everyday lives". Something the kids clearly approve of:(Pictured L-R: Ronald Mcdonald, Appropriate levels of paralyzing fear)

They also say "women always go for jerks and assholes". Mcdouche is no exception:(You bitches are all smiles until you realize one of you is gonna be tied up in his basement.)

Birdie The Early Bird (The Aerial Threat)The only character in Mcdonaldland capable of flight. How she is able to fly with arms made of malignant tumors, I'll never know. Just another reason not to trust her I guess. Her name and gimmick is derived from the fact that apparently she is the Mcdonaldland embodiment of breakfast. Which just makes me want to scream in her face "WHY DO YOU CHARGE SO MUCH FOR ORANGE JUICE?!". Also, she's a psychopath. After reading her bio, there are 3 things about her which are RED FLAGS and prove that she should be approached only in case of- never! a)She once believed aliens stole her bird bath. 2) She knows Karate. c)Her origin states that "she was created when a giant egg fell from the night sky into Mcdonaldland, and Ronald Mcdonald decided to show the egg some love". Wait, what? You know what kinda shit happens when Ronald shows an egg love? DO YOU?!(j.Bowman can't sleep.....ever again.)

Hamburglar (The convict)This fucking guy. First off, he's a criminal...and we know it. It's in his name. Burglar. His bio states that he "started out as a villain but soon became one of the good guys". When is the last time this asshole did anything for the benefit of others? His greed and uncontrolled malice are the main reasons I now fear him, irrationally. Another is that he can't afford a $1.29 hamburger, and he is so intent on getting one that he desperately turns to a life of crime and will shank you, right in your back, if you stand between him and his addiction. One of the good guys indeed.

(NOTE: I also discovered that there was a secondary villain called "Captain Crook" whose main desire was to steal filet o fish sandwiches. Not making that shit up. He was a bit better at his job than Stripey McRapist up there, he actually got his filet o fish. Of course he died instantly after ingesting it, but that is beside the point. (Pour some orange drink on the curb for a fallen homie)

Mayor McCheese (the shady politician)I actually have nothing bad to say about Mayor McCheese. His bio opens with "he has a burger for a head", which is awesome. The sash? the off center top hat? the glasses it would be physically impossible for him to put on his face? So much about what he has going on up there is just fine by me. And just because it bears repeating: HE HAS A BURGER FOR A HEAD! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!

I guess that's all the characters I'm afraid of from Mcdonaldland. It's been a bloodcurdling experience we 4 have shared togeth- What? Who? oh right:

THE GRIMACE (THE PURPLE DESTROYER OF WORLDS)Ho-ly shit! The undisputed champion of unearthly suffering. The Grimace is equal parts purple and awful. Like most of these characters, apparently The Grimace started out as a villain called, no lie, "The Evil Grimace". Of course he did (the hammer hit the nail so hard it had to retire due to concussion). But The Evil Grimace wasn't gonna dick around in the minor leagues and steal hamburgers. Fuck that, The Evil Grimace was going "game 7" on everyone and partaking in activities so nefarious he originally had 4 ARMS in which to do them(The Evil Grimace takes a well deserved milkshake break after blowing up an orphanage)

You know who else had 4 arms and wished he could be as evil as "The Evil Grimace"? (btw I'm going to keep saying it, and it's going to keep being purple so deal with it)(Goro from "Mortal Kombat". Inspired by "The Evil Grimace")

In 1972 he turned face and was "one of the good guys". Nobody in McDonaldland was smart enough to call "bullshit" (Mayor McCheese was busy just railin' bitches). Then we got some more backround on Grimace and found out about his family. The following insanity is absolutely true, from his bio:

"His first relative that became known in 1986 was his irish "Uncle O'Grimacy", who was just like Grimace only green and the creator of Shamrock Shakes. He only comes around once a year, around St. Patricks Day. Additional family members were revealed in a McDonaldland VHS tape "The Legend of Grimace Island": He has an unnamed mom, an unnamed dad, a grandma named "Winky", a great, great grandma named Jenny Grimace. He also has a brother named "King Gonga" who is "king of all the grimaces"........

Jesus fucking christ. I actually tried to locate a picture on the internet of King Gonga, but could not find one. THE ENTIRE INTERNET doesn't have a picture of this guy. There is nothing more terrifying than the fact that he could walk among us. Although I failed to locate proof of this grimace king, I did manage to stumble across a live action remake of "The Legend of Grimace Island":


(I think the fat guy is king of the grimaces)

I'm too petrified to continue writing this entry. This is much scarier than "Matthew Broderick's inability to age like the rest of us". While researching that fear I never came across a picture even remotely as horrific and unholy as this:



(j.Bowman's 4 readers can't sleep)

Thanks for reading

-jB