Thursday, January 20, 2011

Why Me And The Cab Driver I Had This Morning Will Never Be Friends.

As far as I'm concerned, I am renting the backseat of a cab whilst I'm in it. ("Whilst" is another word I've been trying to incorporate into the blog. Took me 60 posts but I finally did it!). I want to point out now that I'm not declaring this because I do anything obscene back there, I've been on the internet enough to know that anything you do in the back of a cab is fair game and I really don't need to showcase my skills (by "skills" I mean 5 minutes of profusely apologizing whilst weeping). The ridiculous battle of wills I had with my cab driver this morning was a result of something that, and I hope the surprised of this doesn't catch you off guard, I felt was a disrespectful slight to me and an insult to everything that I stand for. Or in this case, sit for. It's about a button, but more specifically what that button controls.

The backseat window.

 (Never has something so small, mattered so much to someone so petty)

Anyone who has ever been in a car with me (and avoided the apologetic weeping) knows that no matter what the season is, I like to rock a down window. Summer? Absolutely. Dead of winter? You betcha!

(Dear Society: Share in her joy, drop your windows)

I don't have a special reason for droppping my window. Not as big a fan of wind as M.Jupp (he friggin' loves wind!). However when I'm in a moving vehicle, I dunno, I just like it, and after careful discussions with my legal team I have discovered that nobody can take that away from me. My opinions and preferences are legally my property, and even though technically that window is the cab companies property, whilst (ok, now I'm getting out of control with it) I'm in the cab and paying to be sheperded around, I beleive that window is mine. MINE MINE MINE!

(Totally agrees with me)

I'm not a monster. If I was sitting in the front seat, and I knew the heavy flow of wind might effect his performance (of driving) I would probably sacrifice and not drop the window. But if I'm in the backseat, I highly doubt it effects him enough where he'd need to assert his control of that window. As I said, I'm not a monster, and although I'm also not a scientist, I don't think airflow would really get to him up there.

(Pictured: Science)

The incident in question (and although it seems minor it totally warrants the "incident tag") occured this morning, which you probably already knew if you read the title of this post. I was ever so slightly late for work and decided to take a cab instead of waiting for 20 minutes for the bus. Those 20 minutes cost me exactly $15. I was talking on the phone when I approached the cab and the driver waved me down as if to say "yes, I shall be the cab that will transport you to wherever you need to go in a timely manner" (in my mind, based on his look I figured he'd have an awesome vocabulary and would speak like that). Normally at this point before I get in a cab I like to clarify where the driver stands on window control, but I was on the preoccupied and I just jumped in the back without thinking it through or asking the proper questions. Also known as the "Mystic River Abduction Special"

(Bad stuff is about to go down because young Tim Robbins didn't ask questions)

So we start off to our destination, and I now have my headphones in and am listening to some pre-work Wilco (the best kind of Wilco). If the driver tells you I was listening to the Glee soundtrack, he is a damn liar! (still trying to figure out who the cad is that put all that on my ipod...and downloaded a bunch of episodes on my computer....and programs my tivo to record it. I'm gonna find him. O.J. style!) Everything is fine at first but to be honest I was a bit hot. I was wearing a heavy wool coat, I walked very feverishly to the cab and it was a really heated phone call (not "heated" in a 1-900 # kind of way) so yeah, my temperature was a bit higher than I felt necessary. At which point I put finger to button and lowered the window. As a result of my actions I received 2 things

1) A refreshing blast of crisp, cool Canadian air (the best kind of air)
2) An enemy for life!

Captain Asshole, Lieutenant Asshole decides that he is still in control of the car and everything in it (only half true) and he presses the button on his console up front to raise the window back up! I didn't think he'd have the nerve to do such a thing, so for a moment I thought the window had become self aware and raised itself to assert it's dominance over man. I may watch too much Terminator 2, but i also believe such a thing isn't possible.

("Come with me if you want awesome things to happen")

After realizing that it would be ridiculous for a window to raise itself...without it having a proper reason to do it, I dusted off my "Sherlock Bowmes" pipe and I deduced that it was the driver who had raised the window, thus regulating the temperature of the backseat I WAS PAYING FOR! I deduced the fuck out of the situation if I do say so myself. 

(exactly like this, only 85% less dweeb)

After I figured out that it wasn't a paranormal event, I made quick eye contact with him in the rear view mirror before he averted his gaze back to the road. In most cases that means he is taking his driving seriously and is focusing on the potential dangers around the car. As far as I see it he should've been more concerned with the probable dangers IN the car, namely, me.

(Just like this, only with longer hair and I didn't have my batarangs)

I was about 2 blocks away from my destination, but I felt it necessary to let this fellow know my momma didn't raise no fool.  He seemed to be operating under the assumption that not only did she raise a fool, said fool also grew up to be a punk-bitch (the worst kind of bitch a person could be). So I decided to set him straight because after all, suckas gots to know. At a red light, I stared into his rear view mirror, trying to get his attention. No dice, oh well. I then defiantly presses the button to lower the window again. That got his attention. That faint sound a window makes when it's lowered was my declaration of war. A war that didn't get to continue because we had pulled into my work parking lot. The moment before the turn happened though, he raised the window from his front console! Couldn't believe that. He just wasn't able to wait until I was out of the car to try and show me up and make me look shitty. Well, I promise, if I ever get into his cab again, I will keep dropping any window I can reach, and I'm tall so I can reach pretty damn far!

I'm awful at math so I'm sure I still gave him a really good tip. But I want the record to show that it was a begrudging tip. I should've given him this as a tip (while singing Asia's "Heat of the Moment"):

(Gotta disagree with Asia's lyrics. I actually DID mean to be so bad to you)

In closing, he tried to put one over on me. There is no hope for us a no turning back. What's done is done. He has gotten in between me and something awesome and it is for that reason, and his stupid face, that I declare:

Me and the Cab Driver I had this morning will never be friends.

You probably couldn't tell from reading it, but I shouted that towards the heavens from the roof of my building.

Thanks for Reading

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  1. He'd a been really sorry if you were rolling the window down 'cause you had to puke.

  2. charlie: hahaha thats hilarious bowman! i like to rock my window down no matter what weather conditions are! thats awesome i actually laughed out loud when you had to tell buddy momma didnt raise no fool bhaha