Monday, January 17, 2011

B.P.S. Vol. 8 - The 2011 Golden Globes

For the 8th "Bullet Point Summary" and the first of 2011, I decided to write down some observations, opinions and thoughts I had while watching the Golden Globe Awards last night. I don't talk about everything, because there were times I wasn't really paying attention or I was in the bathroom, but the following is what I felt noteworthy during the event.

- Ricky Gervais is the goddamn shit. I know there are people out there who don't like him and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but not everyone chooses to blog about it. I do, and it is my opinion that Gervais is awesome. Skewering the stars who are close enough to throw forks at him, rocking the monologue with a pint, the guy just came out swinging.

Christian Bale won best supporting actor. Andrew Garfield did not. That should settle many playground debates, because essentially Batman just beat Spider-Man. And Batman kinda looks looks like a wino...acts like one too. It's awesome that he thanked his daughter, but he followed that up by yelling "Oh, and Robert Deniro, whose sitting right here: Holy Shit, Man, you're the shit" Then they cut off his mic. But as the camera pulled away we saw him up there...still talking.


- Boom! "Sons of Anarchy" gets a big win. Katey Segal wins Best Supporting something or other and the camera cuts to Ed O'Neil immediately. I loved that. "Whoaaa Bundy"

- Dare I say Tom Hanks looked pretty pissed when "The Pacific" lost to "Carlos" for best miniseries. I have never seen "Carlos", but I am going to assume it was a big upset, because it took those guys like 5 minutes to get from their table to the stage. Hearing "The Golden Globe goes to....Carlos!" was totally worth it. Even Tom Hanks did react as he did when told he would have to star in a movie with a dog.

(Loved it. Straight up.)

- By the way, Tom Hanks has a kid Chet Hanks who is a rapper. Not making that up.

(Straight outta...a hollywood mansion)

Glee just OWNED SCOTT CAAN! Chris Colfer wins Best supporting TV actor. The camera cuts right to Jack Macbrayer for some reason. Then to Leah Michelle who is crying her eyes out. Good for this guy though. I tried to convince someone earlier today that they should watch Glee and that the songs are good with this phrase: "You should watch it. They got a dude on there that sings like a bitch. It's pretty awesome". They do. He does, and you know what? It's hard not to root for this guy. Colfer nailed his speech. Even though he kinda has a creepy Pinocchio vibe going.

(The vest isn't helping)

Alice in Wonderland is nominated for best picture. If it wins I will puke. It is the Seattle Seahawks of nominees. Has no reason being there, but inexplicably it is.

- Steve Buscemi wins for Boardwalk Empire. This is great. Combined with his award for "Best Buscemi" at his family reunion and his life time achievement award at the 15th annual "Creepy Looking Dude Awards" he is now a triple crown winner.

(So talented it's scary....Terrifying actually)

- Boardwalk Empire wins best TV Drama. Fine, whatever. At my awards, "The Bowmies" it was a 3 way tie between Sons of Anarchy, Friday Night Lights and The Wire. Even though it stopped running a few years ago, the Wire is ALWAYS eligible at the Bowmies...for any award. Last year the wire was also "Best TV Comedy", "Best Film - Musical or Comedy" and "Best Supporting Actress"

(It wins pretty much all the awards)

- American Idol promo shows all the past winners and the text comes up on screen: "They never forget where they came from". Funny with the exception of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood everyone forgot they even existed. Good luck, season 10 contestants. I look forward to not listening to your 1 single before you get bounced into obscurity.

 (Ruben Studdard actually came in first AND second place)

- Oh Shit! New Spiderman is British!? Andrew Garfield introduces highlight package for "The Social Network. He struggles to get out the words "Inspiringly Written". Hopefully he is able to say "Fuck you, Dr. Octopus, get your tentacles out of Mary Jane"

(Totally misunderstood this scene)

- Alec Baldwin drops a "I almost wore the same thing" joke to JLO talking about her dress. Lets retire that joke forever. Cool? Cool. Oh, burlesque won best song. Sure, whatever. The lady who won refers to Cher as an "eternal badass". How wrong you are, madam.


- Hans Zimmer should never lose Best Score, EVER! Inception score was incredible.

- Best animated film. Tough category. "Despicable Me" and "How to Train your Dragon" were amazing. But "Toy Story 3" had this award won when they announced they were making it. I fucking cried during the 10 second clup they showed when they announced it's nomination. Tom Hanks FINALLY has a reason to be happy. Guy accepts the award and asks the youthful presenters (Bieber and that 14 year old girl who is in True Grit) "Wow, were you two even born when the first toy story came out?" Fuck you dude.

- Anne Hathaway is wearing a dress she stole from a gay roman gladiator. That ain't a dress, that's armor.

- I leave for two seconds to pay the pizza delivery guy and Al Pacino wins an award. I missed the category, so I'm just gonna assume he won a long overdue award for "Best Beard Ever" for "Serpico".

- Tilda Swinton is a goddamn alien and I will fight anyone who tries to convince me otherwise. Yes she is talented, but it looks like she is just here on earth doing research.

- They have given out like 13 awards and nobody has thanked god yet. So....tough year for god i guess

- I'm super confused. Chris Evans is onscreen but he's not be hilarious and awesome. Strange. Jane Lynch wins best supporting tv actress, and Leah Michelle from Glee cries. Again. She is all about crying.

(Perhaps the easiest picture it ever took me to find)

- Whenever they go to commercial, they show clips of all the celebs mingling with each other and chatting it up before they cut. I'd love if before they cut to commercial and you saw two of them just...going at it. Imagine the controversy if at some point Paul Giamattie and....Helen Mirren were behaving as if their plane was going down.

- "IN A BETTER WORLD" from DENMARK! won best foreign language picture. YES YES YES! Way to go Denmark! The parade will run down the Vesterbro District in Copenhagen. Nobody parties like The Vesterbro district!. Classy lady accepts it. She is gorgeous for an older lady, but I'm not at all surprised. Denmark, I would assume, is just full of babes with no experation date.


- Laura Linney (who I hate) beats out Leah Michelle from Glee for best tv actress comedy. Finally she has something to cry about and nothing. Nada.

- Fucking Thomas Jane is STANDING when he gets announced as a nominee for "Best Actor in a tv comedy". He is either overconfident that he will win. Either that or he was never able to get out of character for Stander.

- Jeremy Irons comes out to present an award. I know he has had a distinguished career, but that motherfucker will be Scar from the lion king to me, always!

(Kick his ass, Scar!)

- Helena Bonham Carter looks confused that she lost "Best Supporting Actress Drama". I love that. I love it alot. She's got a birds nest on her head, and so does her husband Tim Burton. Not even half joking about that.

 (those kids are doomed)

- It just keeps cutting to random people during acceptance speeches. It cut to Kyra Sedgwick who was like, asleep on Kevin Bacons shoulder. All of these cuts, and no reaction shots from Craig T. Nelson? C'mon! I know he's there. He better be.

- Robert Deniro wins the Cecille B. Demille award. Everyone gives him a standing ovation. Thomas Jane had the jump on all of them by about 23 minutes. He will not sit down. Not even in a car!

("Stander 2: Still Standing")

- Johnny Depp is nominated for both "The Tourist" AND "Alice in Wonderland". So essentially he just gets nominated for anything now eh? I can't wait until they start nominating him for shit he wasn't even in. "Johnny Depp nominated for Best Supporting Actress for Spider Man". Gonna be great.

- Johnny Depp was soundly defeated by Paul Giamatti who closed out his speech with this:"I salute the great nation of Canada and the hollywood foreign press" FUCK YEAH! He honks about montreal and how awesome canada is. I love this man. I might even go see his movie tonight.

(Believe it or not, this man just got MORE awesome)

- Every time Jeff Bridges speaks I feel the need to check my batteries in my remote.

- Natalie Portman wins for Black Swan because she is awesome. She thanks her agent (whom she has had since she was 12) for listenting to her when she said she wanted to do a role involving dance. I wanna say to that guy: Fuck you. She tells you that and you come back with a Ballet movie?! Dude, STRIPPER MOVIE!

(Like this, only 3 1/2 hours long)

- "Kids Are Alright" wins Best Picture Comedy. I don't have to puke now.

- Sandra Bullock looks incredibly disinterested in the whole proceedings. Colin Firth wins "Best Actor drama", Love Actually fans everywhere rejoice.

- Cancer survivor Michael Douglas gets a standing O. He remarks "There has got to be an easier way to get a standing ovation". Amazing stuff.

- Social Network wins "Best Picture". The end of the show belongs to Gervais though, who hits us with this:

"I'd like to thank God...for making me an Athiest" 

Game, set and match: Gervais.

Thanks for Reading

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