Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My ongoing struggle to care about the World Cup...

I'm really trying here. You hear me, World Cup 2010?! DO SOMETHING!

I'm not a fan of professional soccer. I think them folks are absolutely tremendous athletes and I have nothing but respect for them but it's the theatrics that get to me. Not the dancing, the dancing is hilarious. I greatly look forward to the one time a game where someone scores and celebrates like it's the last goal they'll ever score in their entire lives (and it very well might be). What bothers me is the players going down as if they were shot by a sniper if someone breathes on them. The culture of diving and faking injuries just causes the whole thing to lose it's credibility. Perhaps I'm spoiled because I come from Canada, where men are men. They've got strong names like Steve, Trevor and Rick and they'd continue playing even if they were shot by snipers

"It's not like it was a shotgun or anything. I'm good for the next shift, Coach".

I seem to recall personal hero and purveyor of awesome Steve Nash absolutely decimating the San Antonio Spurs in the 2010 NBA playoffs with 1 freaking eye. Cheaply elbowed, Nash (who stayed on his feet, soccer players) had the thing swell up, blocking his vision and seriously effecting his depth perception.

Didn't matter.

That's just one example of Canadian sports manliness and badassery that happened recently. I guarantee that if Canada was in the World Cup you wouldn't see anyone act as though their leg was broken in 12 places and they get miraculously healed when awarded a penalty kick. (Although to be fair, a Dr. perscribed a penalty kick for a bad case of pneumonia I had once, cleared that shit right up)

I want to like you, World Cup. You seem to matter to a lot of people. And I like people. I have no team to cheer for (Imagine Steve and Martin Nash "The Nash Bros." leading team Canada) Unfortunately Steve Nash is still disguised as Boston Celtic point guard Rajon Rondo and is currently sticking it to the Lakers in the NBA Finals (I know Nash is white and Rondo is black....but look at the eyes. That's Steve). Here is a breakdown of teams as I try to find someone to cheer for:

Ireland - WTF?! Why aren't they in?! The French did what?

France - The only badass moment in World Cup history was provided by this team. And Jean Headbutt (pretty sure that's his name) isn't even playing this year. Je Pass!

England - The Toronto Maple Leafs of the International soccer scene. It matters so much to them, and I enjoy watching them implode far too much to cheer for them.

South Africa - This is a team I can get behind. Not only are they the host nation and I've got a soft spot for this country, they got one of the best named players in the tourney. Amidst all the players with cool names like "Kaka" and "Ronaldo" and "Julio Baptista" out there, one man has the courage to be named Bernard Parker. Fuck yeah, instant legend.

Portugal - If you cheer for Portugal, you are also cheering for Nando's Chicken. That's as strong a case as any team has made so far. Sorry Bernard.

USA - How are they in and we aren't?! Their only contribution to soccer was the 1992 Rodney Dangerfield classic "Ladybugs".....on second thought, they can play. That was a good movie.

Côte d’Ivoire - Still not entirely sure this is a real place. Awaiting globe delivery. (just checked the tournament bracket to see if Narnia was in. They aren't)

Netherlands - Yeah, the Orange! By far the strongest roster in the tournament. Of course I judge rosters solely on name awesomeness. Any team that features "Giovanni Van Bronckhorst", "Mark Van Bommel", "Wesley Sneijder" (hoping this may be Wesley Snipes in disguise) and "Klaas Jan Huntelaar" is to be feared and respected by all. Gonna sneak one more in there, just cause I'm not sure if it's a dudes name or a '60s Batman sound effect: "Demy De Zeeuw".

Tough to decide. Lot of great teams out there.

In closing, above this post I will be....posting musings and thoughts I have over the course of trying to enjoy the World Cup. I will continually update and edit until the tournament is over and I can go back to watching manlier sports like darts. (Laugh at darts if you want, each one of those men could be a trained assassin if they wanted to. They just like the pub too much)

Thanks for reading - jB

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