Showing posts with label B.P.S.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label B.P.S.. Show all posts
Sunday, February 27, 2011
B.P.S. Vol. 10 - The 2011 Oscars
Monpeeps, what is up? For the special 10th Bullet Point Summary I'm going to a follow up to the Golden Globes post from way back when (January was a crazy, crazy time for all of us). I will be watching the Oscars tonight and recording any thoughts that come into my head. If you know me or have read this blog, you know that the majority of my throughts are really pointless and stupid. Enjoy.
Friday, February 11, 2011
B.P.S. Vol. 9 - Why I'm Single Exibit G - L
Back in November it was "National Singles Week". I didn't even know there was a National Singles Week. I also didn't know that it runs concurrent with "National Eating Kraft Dinner Straight Out Of The Pot Week". I was originally going to do a list of the awesome things about being single, but I was beaten to the punch by pretty much everyone else who wrote on the subject (I bet their lists didn't have "Judgement free sweatpants wearing" as #1). So what I did instead was start an A-Z list of the REASONS why I am single. Only 8 people wrote that same list on the internet (all ex girlfriends). Joking of course....I don't have 8 ex-girlfriends. So after a few months of self affirmation that I'm not shitty, I'm emotionally ready to list some more reasons why I could potentially die alone.
Bullet Point Summary Vol. 7, which is known in some circles as the previous entry, listing A-F can be found HERE. Again I want to specify that everything is 100% true. Also only now have I realized how difficult this is going to get towards the end with X's and Z's all over the place.
Bullet Point Summary Vol. 7, which is known in some circles as the previous entry, listing A-F can be found HERE. Again I want to specify that everything is 100% true. Also only now have I realized how difficult this is going to get towards the end with X's and Z's all over the place.
Monday, January 17, 2011
B.P.S. Vol. 8 - The 2011 Golden Globes
For the 8th "Bullet Point Summary" and the first of 2011, I decided to write down some observations, opinions and thoughts I had while watching the Golden Globe Awards last night. I don't talk about everything, because there were times I wasn't really paying attention or I was in the bathroom, but the following is what I felt noteworthy during the event.
- Ricky Gervais is the goddamn shit. I know there are people out there who don't like him and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but not everyone chooses to blog about it. I do, and it is my opinion that Gervais is awesome. Skewering the stars who are close enough to throw forks at him, rocking the monologue with a pint, the guy just came out swinging.
Christian Bale won best supporting actor. Andrew Garfield did not. That should settle many playground debates, because essentially Batman just beat Spider-Man. And Batman kinda looks looks like a wino...acts like one too. It's awesome that he thanked his daughter, but he followed that up by yelling "Oh, and Robert Deniro, whose sitting right here: Holy Shit, Man, you're the shit" Then they cut off his mic. But as the camera pulled away we saw him up there...still talking.
("Tra-la-la-la-la")
- Boom! "Sons of Anarchy" gets a big win. Katey Segal wins Best Supporting something or other and the camera cuts to Ed O'Neil immediately. I loved that. "Whoaaa Bundy"
- Dare I say Tom Hanks looked pretty pissed when "The Pacific" lost to "Carlos" for best miniseries. I have never seen "Carlos", but I am going to assume it was a big upset, because it took those guys like 5 minutes to get from their table to the stage. Hearing "The Golden Globe goes to....Carlos!" was totally worth it. Even Tom Hanks did react as he did when told he would have to star in a movie with a dog.
(Loved it. Straight up.)
- By the way, Tom Hanks has a kid Chet Hanks who is a rapper. Not making that up.
(Straight outta...a hollywood mansion)
Glee just OWNED SCOTT CAAN! Chris Colfer wins Best supporting TV actor. The camera cuts right to Jack Macbrayer for some reason. Then to Leah Michelle who is crying her eyes out. Good for this guy though. I tried to convince someone earlier today that they should watch Glee and that the songs are good with this phrase: "You should watch it. They got a dude on there that sings like a bitch. It's pretty awesome". They do. He does, and you know what? It's hard not to root for this guy. Colfer nailed his speech. Even though he kinda has a creepy Pinocchio vibe going.
(The vest isn't helping)
Alice in Wonderland is nominated for best picture. If it wins I will puke. It is the Seattle Seahawks of nominees. Has no reason being there, but inexplicably it is.
- Steve Buscemi wins for Boardwalk Empire. This is great. Combined with his award for "Best Buscemi" at his family reunion and his life time achievement award at the 15th annual "Creepy Looking Dude Awards" he is now a triple crown winner.
(So talented it's scary....Terrifying actually)
- Boardwalk Empire wins best TV Drama. Fine, whatever. At my awards, "The Bowmies" it was a 3 way tie between Sons of Anarchy, Friday Night Lights and The Wire. Even though it stopped running a few years ago, the Wire is ALWAYS eligible at the Bowmies...for any award. Last year the wire was also "Best TV Comedy", "Best Film - Musical or Comedy" and "Best Supporting Actress"
(It wins pretty much all the awards)
- American Idol promo shows all the past winners and the text comes up on screen: "They never forget where they came from". Funny with the exception of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood everyone forgot they even existed. Good luck, season 10 contestants. I look forward to not listening to your 1 single before you get bounced into obscurity.
(Ruben Studdard actually came in first AND second place)
- Oh Shit! New Spiderman is British!? Andrew Garfield introduces highlight package for "The Social Network. He struggles to get out the words "Inspiringly Written". Hopefully he is able to say "Fuck you, Dr. Octopus, get your tentacles out of Mary Jane"
(Totally misunderstood this scene)
- Alec Baldwin drops a "I almost wore the same thing" joke to JLO talking about her dress. Lets retire that joke forever. Cool? Cool. Oh, burlesque won best song. Sure, whatever. The lady who won refers to Cher as an "eternal badass". How wrong you are, madam.
(Eternal...badass)
- Hans Zimmer should never lose Best Score, EVER! Inception score was incredible.
- Best animated film. Tough category. "Despicable Me" and "How to Train your Dragon" were amazing. But "Toy Story 3" had this award won when they announced they were making it. I fucking cried during the 10 second clup they showed when they announced it's nomination. Tom Hanks FINALLY has a reason to be happy. Guy accepts the award and asks the youthful presenters (Bieber and that 14 year old girl who is in True Grit) "Wow, were you two even born when the first toy story came out?" Fuck you dude.
- Anne Hathaway is wearing a dress she stole from a gay roman gladiator. That ain't a dress, that's armor.
- I leave for two seconds to pay the pizza delivery guy and Al Pacino wins an award. I missed the category, so I'm just gonna assume he won a long overdue award for "Best Beard Ever" for "Serpico".
- Tilda Swinton is a goddamn alien and I will fight anyone who tries to convince me otherwise. Yes she is talented, but it looks like she is just here on earth doing research.
- They have given out like 13 awards and nobody has thanked god yet. So....tough year for god i guess
- I'm super confused. Chris Evans is onscreen but he's not be hilarious and awesome. Strange. Jane Lynch wins best supporting tv actress, and Leah Michelle from Glee cries. Again. She is all about crying.
(Perhaps the easiest picture it ever took me to find)
- Whenever they go to commercial, they show clips of all the celebs mingling with each other and chatting it up before they cut. I'd love if before they cut to commercial and you saw two of them just...going at it. Imagine the controversy if at some point Paul Giamattie and....Helen Mirren were behaving as if their plane was going down.
- "IN A BETTER WORLD" from DENMARK! won best foreign language picture. YES YES YES! Way to go Denmark! The parade will run down the Vesterbro District in Copenhagen. Nobody parties like The Vesterbro district!. Classy lady accepts it. She is gorgeous for an older lady, but I'm not at all surprised. Denmark, I would assume, is just full of babes with no experation date.
(Paaaaaaarrr-tayyyyyyy!)
- Laura Linney (who I hate) beats out Leah Michelle from Glee for best tv actress comedy. Finally she has something to cry about and nothing. Nada.
- Fucking Thomas Jane is STANDING when he gets announced as a nominee for "Best Actor in a tv comedy". He is either overconfident that he will win. Either that or he was never able to get out of character for Stander.
- Jeremy Irons comes out to present an award. I know he has had a distinguished career, but that motherfucker will be Scar from the lion king to me, always!
(Kick his ass, Scar!)
- Helena Bonham Carter looks confused that she lost "Best Supporting Actress Drama". I love that. I love it alot. She's got a birds nest on her head, and so does her husband Tim Burton. Not even half joking about that.
(those kids are doomed)
- It just keeps cutting to random people during acceptance speeches. It cut to Kyra Sedgwick who was like, asleep on Kevin Bacons shoulder. All of these cuts, and no reaction shots from Craig T. Nelson? C'mon! I know he's there. He better be.
- Robert Deniro wins the Cecille B. Demille award. Everyone gives him a standing ovation. Thomas Jane had the jump on all of them by about 23 minutes. He will not sit down. Not even in a car!
("Stander 2: Still Standing")
- Johnny Depp is nominated for both "The Tourist" AND "Alice in Wonderland". So essentially he just gets nominated for anything now eh? I can't wait until they start nominating him for shit he wasn't even in. "Johnny Depp nominated for Best Supporting Actress for Spider Man". Gonna be great.
- Johnny Depp was soundly defeated by Paul Giamatti who closed out his speech with this:"I salute the great nation of Canada and the hollywood foreign press" FUCK YEAH! He honks about montreal and how awesome canada is. I love this man. I might even go see his movie tonight.
(Believe it or not, this man just got MORE awesome)
- Every time Jeff Bridges speaks I feel the need to check my batteries in my remote.
- Natalie Portman wins for Black Swan because she is awesome. She thanks her agent (whom she has had since she was 12) for listenting to her when she said she wanted to do a role involving dance. I wanna say to that guy: Fuck you. She tells you that and you come back with a Ballet movie?! Dude, STRIPPER MOVIE!
(Like this, only 3 1/2 hours long)
- "Kids Are Alright" wins Best Picture Comedy. I don't have to puke now.
- Sandra Bullock looks incredibly disinterested in the whole proceedings. Colin Firth wins "Best Actor drama", Love Actually fans everywhere rejoice.
- Cancer survivor Michael Douglas gets a standing O. He remarks "There has got to be an easier way to get a standing ovation". Amazing stuff.
- Social Network wins "Best Picture". The end of the show belongs to Gervais though, who hits us with this:
Game, set and match: Gervais.
-jB
- Ricky Gervais is the goddamn shit. I know there are people out there who don't like him and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but not everyone chooses to blog about it. I do, and it is my opinion that Gervais is awesome. Skewering the stars who are close enough to throw forks at him, rocking the monologue with a pint, the guy just came out swinging.
Christian Bale won best supporting actor. Andrew Garfield did not. That should settle many playground debates, because essentially Batman just beat Spider-Man. And Batman kinda looks looks like a wino...acts like one too. It's awesome that he thanked his daughter, but he followed that up by yelling "Oh, and Robert Deniro, whose sitting right here: Holy Shit, Man, you're the shit" Then they cut off his mic. But as the camera pulled away we saw him up there...still talking.
- Boom! "Sons of Anarchy" gets a big win. Katey Segal wins Best Supporting something or other and the camera cuts to Ed O'Neil immediately. I loved that. "Whoaaa Bundy"
- Dare I say Tom Hanks looked pretty pissed when "The Pacific" lost to "Carlos" for best miniseries. I have never seen "Carlos", but I am going to assume it was a big upset, because it took those guys like 5 minutes to get from their table to the stage. Hearing "The Golden Globe goes to....Carlos!" was totally worth it. Even Tom Hanks did react as he did when told he would have to star in a movie with a dog.
- By the way, Tom Hanks has a kid Chet Hanks who is a rapper. Not making that up.
Glee just OWNED SCOTT CAAN! Chris Colfer wins Best supporting TV actor. The camera cuts right to Jack Macbrayer for some reason. Then to Leah Michelle who is crying her eyes out. Good for this guy though. I tried to convince someone earlier today that they should watch Glee and that the songs are good with this phrase: "You should watch it. They got a dude on there that sings like a bitch. It's pretty awesome". They do. He does, and you know what? It's hard not to root for this guy. Colfer nailed his speech. Even though he kinda has a creepy Pinocchio vibe going.
Alice in Wonderland is nominated for best picture. If it wins I will puke. It is the Seattle Seahawks of nominees. Has no reason being there, but inexplicably it is.
- Steve Buscemi wins for Boardwalk Empire. This is great. Combined with his award for "Best Buscemi" at his family reunion and his life time achievement award at the 15th annual "Creepy Looking Dude Awards" he is now a triple crown winner.
- Boardwalk Empire wins best TV Drama. Fine, whatever. At my awards, "The Bowmies" it was a 3 way tie between Sons of Anarchy, Friday Night Lights and The Wire. Even though it stopped running a few years ago, the Wire is ALWAYS eligible at the Bowmies...for any award. Last year the wire was also "Best TV Comedy", "Best Film - Musical or Comedy" and "Best Supporting Actress"
- American Idol promo shows all the past winners and the text comes up on screen: "They never forget where they came from". Funny with the exception of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood everyone forgot they even existed. Good luck, season 10 contestants. I look forward to not listening to your 1 single before you get bounced into obscurity.
- Oh Shit! New Spiderman is British!? Andrew Garfield introduces highlight package for "The Social Network. He struggles to get out the words "Inspiringly Written". Hopefully he is able to say "Fuck you, Dr. Octopus, get your tentacles out of Mary Jane"
- Alec Baldwin drops a "I almost wore the same thing" joke to JLO talking about her dress. Lets retire that joke forever. Cool? Cool. Oh, burlesque won best song. Sure, whatever. The lady who won refers to Cher as an "eternal badass". How wrong you are, madam.
(Eternal...badass)
- Hans Zimmer should never lose Best Score, EVER! Inception score was incredible.
- Best animated film. Tough category. "Despicable Me" and "How to Train your Dragon" were amazing. But "Toy Story 3" had this award won when they announced they were making it. I fucking cried during the 10 second clup they showed when they announced it's nomination. Tom Hanks FINALLY has a reason to be happy. Guy accepts the award and asks the youthful presenters (Bieber and that 14 year old girl who is in True Grit) "Wow, were you two even born when the first toy story came out?" Fuck you dude.
- Anne Hathaway is wearing a dress she stole from a gay roman gladiator. That ain't a dress, that's armor.
- I leave for two seconds to pay the pizza delivery guy and Al Pacino wins an award. I missed the category, so I'm just gonna assume he won a long overdue award for "Best Beard Ever" for "Serpico".
- Tilda Swinton is a goddamn alien and I will fight anyone who tries to convince me otherwise. Yes she is talented, but it looks like she is just here on earth doing research.
- They have given out like 13 awards and nobody has thanked god yet. So....tough year for god i guess
- I'm super confused. Chris Evans is onscreen but he's not be hilarious and awesome. Strange. Jane Lynch wins best supporting tv actress, and Leah Michelle from Glee cries. Again. She is all about crying.
- Whenever they go to commercial, they show clips of all the celebs mingling with each other and chatting it up before they cut. I'd love if before they cut to commercial and you saw two of them just...going at it. Imagine the controversy if at some point Paul Giamattie and....Helen Mirren were behaving as if their plane was going down.
- "IN A BETTER WORLD" from DENMARK! won best foreign language picture. YES YES YES! Way to go Denmark! The parade will run down the Vesterbro District in Copenhagen. Nobody parties like The Vesterbro district!. Classy lady accepts it. She is gorgeous for an older lady, but I'm not at all surprised. Denmark, I would assume, is just full of babes with no experation date.
- Laura Linney (who I hate) beats out Leah Michelle from Glee for best tv actress comedy. Finally she has something to cry about and nothing. Nada.
- Fucking Thomas Jane is STANDING when he gets announced as a nominee for "Best Actor in a tv comedy". He is either overconfident that he will win. Either that or he was never able to get out of character for Stander.
- Jeremy Irons comes out to present an award. I know he has had a distinguished career, but that motherfucker will be Scar from the lion king to me, always!
- Helena Bonham Carter looks confused that she lost "Best Supporting Actress Drama". I love that. I love it alot. She's got a birds nest on her head, and so does her husband Tim Burton. Not even half joking about that.
- It just keeps cutting to random people during acceptance speeches. It cut to Kyra Sedgwick who was like, asleep on Kevin Bacons shoulder. All of these cuts, and no reaction shots from Craig T. Nelson? C'mon! I know he's there. He better be.
- Robert Deniro wins the Cecille B. Demille award. Everyone gives him a standing ovation. Thomas Jane had the jump on all of them by about 23 minutes. He will not sit down. Not even in a car!
- Johnny Depp is nominated for both "The Tourist" AND "Alice in Wonderland". So essentially he just gets nominated for anything now eh? I can't wait until they start nominating him for shit he wasn't even in. "Johnny Depp nominated for Best Supporting Actress for Spider Man". Gonna be great.
- Johnny Depp was soundly defeated by Paul Giamatti who closed out his speech with this:"I salute the great nation of Canada and the hollywood foreign press" FUCK YEAH! He honks about montreal and how awesome canada is. I love this man. I might even go see his movie tonight.
- Every time Jeff Bridges speaks I feel the need to check my batteries in my remote.
- Natalie Portman wins for Black Swan because she is awesome. She thanks her agent (whom she has had since she was 12) for listenting to her when she said she wanted to do a role involving dance. I wanna say to that guy: Fuck you. She tells you that and you come back with a Ballet movie?! Dude, STRIPPER MOVIE!
- "Kids Are Alright" wins Best Picture Comedy. I don't have to puke now.
- Sandra Bullock looks incredibly disinterested in the whole proceedings. Colin Firth wins "Best Actor drama", Love Actually fans everywhere rejoice.
- Cancer survivor Michael Douglas gets a standing O. He remarks "There has got to be an easier way to get a standing ovation". Amazing stuff.
- Social Network wins "Best Picture". The end of the show belongs to Gervais though, who hits us with this:
"I'd like to thank God...for making me an Athiest"
Game, set and match: Gervais.
Thanks for Reading
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
B.P.S. Vol. 7 - Why I'm Single, Exibit A - F
For my latest "Bullet Point Summary" I'd like to commemorate this very special week. Apparently, this is "National Singles Week". I didn't know there was a week celebrating being single until until about 23 minutes ago. I might have known earlier if I wasn't too preoccupied with playing video games and eating pizza at 2am while nobody hassles me (I feel the need to point out all of that occurs while I'm wearing sweatpants, if I'm wearing pants at all). So realizing this I thought back to the last time I was involved with someone semi-seriously and thought about the benefits of my life now and what it would've continued to be like if I surrendered my independence (prounounced: "Awesomeness"). She still has some of my dvds....and as far as I'm concerned she can keep 'em. That's an exit fee I don't mind paying.
(43 seconds of research)
Well it seems that as long as the historic tradition of "National Singles Week" has been in existence, the internets (all of them) have been bombarded with articles celebrating the benefits of being single. And each one has exactly says exactly the same shit. "Blah blah blah new love, blah blah blah time to yourself, blah blah blah judgemental free Glee watching". Your basic list. I've decided to go in another direction. I've decided to write this article about something that I'm positive isn't overexposed: "Cats that are terrible spellers".
(6 seconds of research)
Well fuck. Okay then internets, I got something you probably don't have. I'm going introspective and doing an A-Z list of the REASONS I'm single. Now I would've done some research to see if for some reason there is already such a list about me in existence on the internets, but I wouldn't trust any of my Rogues Gallery (ex's) to get it right. If there is one thing those ladies are good at, it's not summing me up, it's having impeccable timing and foresight. How each one of them was able to break up with me IMMEDIATELY before I was totally going to break up with them, I will never understand (they were the next words out of my mouth, honest). I will only do A-F now, because if I analyze my potential faults any farther than that I'll probably spend the rest of the day in the dark listening to Johnny Cash and crying. I should prefix this by saying this is all 100% true. Here we go....
A - Apartment.
- Over 800 dvds
- Over 90 tv dvds
- 5 framed movie posters (Kill Bill, Batman Begins, Spider-Man 2, Hot Fuzz, Steal)
- A replica of the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- Beaded curtain I've had since I first moved out 6 years ago.
- Iron Man bobblehead
- A motivational poster of "The Punisher" about "Commitment"
- A mini replica of Kirk McLean's goalie mask from the Canucks '94 cup run.
- A shrine dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team
- A Batman & a Two-Face pez dispensers
- A spare bedroom that literally has an air matress and my smelly hockey equipment in it.
- 17 jerseys that adorn the walls of my bedroom all the way around
- A book shelf full of Green Lantern & Batman graphic novels. The only legitimate book I have on my bookshelf is a novelization of the Jean Claude Van Damme masterpiece "Hard Target". Just in case you think I'm making that up:
B- Batman.
Me and Batman have a history. I have been a fan of the character since I was 7, and I once even had a Batman themed surprise birthday party thrown for me. There was a Batman cake, I had my own utility belt, I was giving a mask and cape to wear, all my friends were wearing homemade Batman masks, there was a bat-signal shining on my ceiling and Batman sound effects signs (BIFF, PAM, KAPOW) were hung up on the walls. Sounds like an awesome 7th birthday party, right?
At this point I will point out that the "utility belt" I had been given was full of beer & tequila and I got right shittered that night (special thanks to A. Konechny for making it all happen). I woke up the next morning with my mask still on, but noticeably absent? My pants. However I was not nearly as hungover then as I was back in 2008 when I was in Las Vegas and I got to sit on the Bat-pod from "The Dark Knight".
One thing I have in my apartment that I didn't mention before? Quite possibly the best thing I own, my Batman converse kicks. Take a bow, boys!
So yeah, my love for Batman goes back quite a ways. I did love a girl before that though,when I was 6. I knew I loved her when I realized she was the only girl who wasn't a poopy face. Apparently I'm not the only person that ever thought that about her cause she's married now. I hope they get divorced....and then he turns to a life of crime and I have to stop him and be "not the hero she deserves...but the hero she needs". (I would like to have another girlfriend at some point so I'm gonna move on from this topic)
C - Cereal.
I love me some cereal. It is one of my favorite things to eat. Not really being in a mood for breakfast after my 3-4 hours of sleep, I don't get to eat it at socially acceptable times. Well fuck that. I am a grown man (if you disregard entry B on this list) and I will have it whenever I want. If a girl were to surprise me with a candlelit cereal dinner, that would be 3 things.
1. Incredible
2. Highly unlikely
3. Extremely difficult in terms of timing. There is that window of maybe 90 seconds where the cereal is not too crunchy, or not too soggy. In those moments I wish that time stood still.
D - Dancing.
1. I started a tradition of having a 5 minute solo dance party everyday when I get home from work
2. I was caught dancing down my hallway in my apartment building. It would have been pretty embarassing if I didn't have such sick moves.
E - Education
I may joke about it on the blog often, but I should clarify that I'm not stupid. I'm an idiot. There is a difference. As you can probably tell from being able to read j.Bowman Can't Sleep, me and the english language get along pretty well. I'm a capable writer but at times not the best speller. There is a difference. And there are often times when I'm caught up in a conversation with several people where the topic at hand is something that requires a certain amount of expertise to have an informed opinion on. I'm not educated. I'm smart. There is a difference.
If it doesn't matter, I know way too much about it. I often catch a lot of flack from my male and female friends (the educated ones anyway) about things that I don't know that they think I should. I didn't know anything about Stalin or that Mussolini was "a bad guy". I know absolutely nothing about Canadian politics (All I know is that elections should be decided in a hockey shootout). And until recently (around the time District 9 came out) I didn't know what apartheid was. Having found out, I just want all of you to know that I'm against it. Mussoluni too. How did I get through school without learning any of this? A strong combination of charisma and bribery.
But if you were to ask me how the jingle went for the "Big Red" chewing gum commercial in the early 90's? That I know (and I know that if you chew gum while chopping onions it keeps you from crying). Need someone who knows WAY too much about 90s teen sitcom "Saved by the Bell"? I'm your guy. I know that before the continents were seperated they were 1 landmass known as "Pangea". If you were to ask me the name of the evil coach in the first Mighty Ducks movie? That I know too. Both the actor (Lane Smith, deceased) and the character (Jack "dickbag" Reilly). The credits didn't list that as his middle name, but the original draft of the script did. Do I know how to calculate tax properly? No, but I do know that money is not made out of paper, but linen. And in closing I should point out that I know very little about World War I aside from what I pieced together from the band Franz Ferdinand and "Call of Duty" video games
Throughout my school career there were classes I was good at (drama, gym) and classes I wasn't (everything else). I was not the best student in the world. I probably would barely crack the top 500, but a lot of that was a desire to know about things. I had trouble seeing the relevence in a lot of the things I was learning, so I had an even greater difficulty giving a shit. To quote Owen Wilson in Zoolander, (which no overly educated person would ever do)
"I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree".
I don't care what bark is made out of, but there are things I'd rather know about than how to do long division. That isn't a joke, I never learned long division. I was at an unfair advantage because I wasn't good with numbers, never have been. However I believe that if I'm at a disadvantage, I should look deep within myself to find a skill that I could bring to the table to even the playing field. So while I wasn't good at math, it turns out I was incredibly skilled in cheating at math. So I just played to my strengths. And I've never once encountered a moment where I needed to know long division. If that moment were to arise, I would probably just run away. I was good at gym after all. Play to your strengths.
F - "Friends"
Unless she is super hot. In that event nothing is certain.
Well that about wraps it up for A-F. More to follow, just need to find a reason I'm single with for each letter of the alphabet. Which takes time.
So I'll probably be finished tomorrow.
Thanks for Reading.
-jB
Monday, November 15, 2010
B.P.S. Vol 6 - A helluva way to go.
I was at the urinal today and I looked down and saw something that made me very sad (might this be the worst opening sentence in j.Bowman Can't Sleep's history?) The sad thing I saw was a fly, who had apparently drowned in the urinal. I had partially contributed to his watery grave but I'm fairly certain he had been dead for several hours and I suspect it may have been.....murder! (cue opening scene of the hit new procedural drama: "CSI: Bathroom").
(*music* "yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!" Link: Caruso Brings it, repeatedly)
For the latest Bullet Point Summary, I was inspired by this winged abomination's death and how awful it must have been. Now, I have never been one to mock the dead. As a firm believer in the forthcoming zombie apocalypse, I do not want to give the zombies any more reason to want to eat me instead of my friends (sorry guys, every man for himself). You know what is worse than a regular zombie? A vindictive zombie. However I do not have any reservations about mocking the dead from a long long time ago. Should the dead rise, people that died hundreds or thousands of years ago would either be skeletons or dust. And while I'm 60% sure I could beat a skeleton in a fight, I'm 94% sure I could defeat a bag of dust (Unless it gets in my eye, then the perecentage drops considerably). In the 1900s deaths stopped being insane and interesting and just started being tragic. Way back in olden times though? Those people were insane, paranoid and huge, HUGE fans of putting things in people. They were as dickish and petty as they were smelly and rife with disease.
After some exhaustive research (Wikipedia) I have been kept awake by some of the most messed up deaths early history has to offer. I have learned lots from this....more so than any school has taught me.
- 272 BC: Pyrrhus of Epirus, conqueror and the source of the term pyrrhic victory, died while fighting an urban battle in Argos when an old woman threw a roof tile at him, stunning him and allowing an Argive soldier to kill him.
What it taught me? Having an old person stationed on my roof just in case of an attack is NOT a waste of time and human life.
- 207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs
- 620 BC: Draco, Athenian law-maker, was smothered to death by gifts of cloaks showered upon him by appreciative citizens at a theatre on Aegina.
What it taught me? Do not asks for cloaks for Christmas from everyone I know.
- 270 BC: Philitas of Cos, Greek intellectual, is said by Athenaeus of Naucratis to have studied arguments and erroneous word-usage so intensely that he wasted away and starved to death.
- 162 BC: Eleazar Maccabeus was crushed to death by a War Elephant (also the name of my band - jB). charging into battle, Eleazar rushed underneath the elephant and thrust a spear into its belly, whereupon it fell dead on top of him.
(Not Pictured: Me, running as fast as I can in the other direction)
- 53 BC: The Roman general and consul Marcus Licinius Crassus was reported as having been put to death by the Parthians after losing the battle of Carrhae, by being forced to drink a goblet of molten gold, symbolic of his great wealth.
- 212: Lucius Fabius Cilo, a Roman senator of the 2nd century, "...choked...by a single hair in a draught of milk"
What it taught me? Confirmed my suspicion that the cook at Denny's has indeed been trying to kill me.
(Just to be sure she gets me, she's put a single hair in ALL the pancakes)
- 415: Hypatia of Alexandria, Greek mathematician and pagan philosopher, was murdered by a Christian mob by having her skin ripped off with sharp sea-shells; what remained of her was burned.
- 892: Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney strapped the head of his defeated foe, Máel Brigte, to his horse's saddle. The teeth of this head grazed against his leg as he rode, causing an infection that killed him.
- 1135: Henry I of England is said to have died of food poisoning after gorging on lampreys.
What it taught me? Do not order Lampreys if I ever see them on a Denny's menu.
- 1258: Al-Musta'sim was killed during the Mongol invasion of the Abbasid Caliphate. Hulagu Khan, not wanting to spill royal blood, wrapped him in a rug and had him trampled to death by his horses.
What it taught me? Hulagu Khan is the undisputed champion of murder loopholes.
- 1410: Martin I of Aragon died from a lethal combination of indigestion and uncontrollable laughing.
What it taught me? Farting can go from hilarious to tragic in a matter or seconds.
- 1514: György Dózsa, Székely man-at-arms and peasants' revolt leader in Hungary, was condemned to sit on a red-hot iron throne with a red-hot iron crown on his head and a red-hot sceptre in his hand (mocking at his ambition to be king), by Hungarian landed nobility in Transylvania.
- 1601: Tycho Brahe, Danish astronomer, according to legend, died of complications resulting from a strained bladder at a banquet. It would have been extremely bad etiquette to leave the table before the meal was finished, so he stayed until he became fatally ill.
- 1649: Sir Arthur Aston, Royalist commander of the garrison during the Siege of Drogheda, was beaten to death with his own wooden leg, which the Parliamentarian soldiers thought concealed golden coins.
(Mario, also not a very good authority on gene splicing. Stick to what you know dude: mustaches and not being able to seal the deal with princesses!)
- 1660: Thomas Urquhart, Scottish aristocrat, polymath and first translator of Rabelais into English, is said to have died laughing upon hearing that Charles II had taken the throne.
(What a weiner this guy was. I'd laugh too, but I would stop before I died)
- 1671: François Vatel, chef to Louis XIV, committed suicide because his seafood order was late and he could not stand the shame of a postponed meal. His body was discovered by an aide, sent to tell him of the arrival of the fish..
- 1771: Adolf Frederick, king of Sweden, died of digestion problems on 12 February 1771 after having consumed a meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, topped off with 14 servings of his favourite dessert: semla served in a bowl of hot milk.
(MURDERER!)
- 1794: John Kendrick, an American sea captain and explorer, was killed in the Hawaiian Islands when a British ship mistakenly used a loaded cannon to fire a salute to Kendrick's vessel
("Nice to meet you Eric, my daughter has told me so much about you.....too much")
- 1834: David Douglas, Scottish botanist, fell into a pit trap accompanied by a bull. He was gored and possibly crushed.
- 1868: Matthew Vassar, brewer and founder of Vassar College, died in mid-speech while delivering his farewell address to the college board of trustees.
And without further delay, the last and possibly best ridiculous, mean, petty, smelly, bull trap related death I found. Why did Abraham Lincoln succeed? People like Clement Vallandigham were the alternative. Go!
- 1871: Clement Vallandigham, U.S. Congressman and political opponent of Abraham Lincoln, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound suffered in court while representing the defendant in a murder case. Demonstrating how the murder victim could have inadvertently shot himself, the gun, which Vallandigham believed to be unloaded, discharged and mortally wounded him. The defendant was acquitted.
(Well, second best. Phil Hartman, you are missed daily, sir)
Thanks for reading.
-jB
"Well Frank, looks like sometimes it stinks...."
"...to be a fly....on the wall."
(*music* "yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!" Link: Caruso Brings it, repeatedly)
For the latest Bullet Point Summary, I was inspired by this winged abomination's death and how awful it must have been. Now, I have never been one to mock the dead. As a firm believer in the forthcoming zombie apocalypse, I do not want to give the zombies any more reason to want to eat me instead of my friends (sorry guys, every man for himself). You know what is worse than a regular zombie? A vindictive zombie. However I do not have any reservations about mocking the dead from a long long time ago. Should the dead rise, people that died hundreds or thousands of years ago would either be skeletons or dust. And while I'm 60% sure I could beat a skeleton in a fight, I'm 94% sure I could defeat a bag of dust (Unless it gets in my eye, then the perecentage drops considerably). In the 1900s deaths stopped being insane and interesting and just started being tragic. Way back in olden times though? Those people were insane, paranoid and huge, HUGE fans of putting things in people. They were as dickish and petty as they were smelly and rife with disease.
After some exhaustive research (Wikipedia) I have been kept awake by some of the most messed up deaths early history has to offer. I have learned lots from this....more so than any school has taught me.
- 272 BC: Pyrrhus of Epirus, conqueror and the source of the term pyrrhic victory, died while fighting an urban battle in Argos when an old woman threw a roof tile at him, stunning him and allowing an Argive soldier to kill him.
What it taught me? Having an old person stationed on my roof just in case of an attack is NOT a waste of time and human life.
- 207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs
What it taught me? I have GOT to check out youtube and see if there is a video of a donkey eating figs. (spoiler alert: there isn't)
- 620 BC: Draco, Athenian law-maker, was smothered to death by gifts of cloaks showered upon him by appreciative citizens at a theatre on Aegina.
What it taught me? Do not asks for cloaks for Christmas from everyone I know.
- 270 BC: Philitas of Cos, Greek intellectual, is said by Athenaeus of Naucratis to have studied arguments and erroneous word-usage so intensely that he wasted away and starved to death.
What it taught me? Neeeeeeeerrrrrrrdddd!!
- 162 BC: Eleazar Maccabeus was crushed to death by a War Elephant (also the name of my band - jB). charging into battle, Eleazar rushed underneath the elephant and thrust a spear into its belly, whereupon it fell dead on top of him.
What it taught me? If I am ever in a large scale battle (which I fully plan on being someday) the LAST place I want to be is underneath one of these things:
- 53 BC: The Roman general and consul Marcus Licinius Crassus was reported as having been put to death by the Parthians after losing the battle of Carrhae, by being forced to drink a goblet of molten gold, symbolic of his great wealth.
What it taught me? I could choke to death on $100 bills and Crassus would STILL have the most baller death ever.
- 212: Lucius Fabius Cilo, a Roman senator of the 2nd century, "...choked...by a single hair in a draught of milk"
What it taught me? Confirmed my suspicion that the cook at Denny's has indeed been trying to kill me.
(Just to be sure she gets me, she's put a single hair in ALL the pancakes)
- 415: Hypatia of Alexandria, Greek mathematician and pagan philosopher, was murdered by a Christian mob by having her skin ripped off with sharp sea-shells; what remained of her was burned.
What it taught me? As much as I hate math, it is nothing compared to how Christians felt about math several hundred years ago.
- 892: Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney strapped the head of his defeated foe, Máel Brigte, to his horse's saddle. The teeth of this head grazed against his leg as he rode, causing an infection that killed him.
What it taught me? This guy is an idiot. Maybe when the teeth scrape against your leg, oh I dunno, once, perhaps then you should move it....or put on pants. Idiot.
- 1135: Henry I of England is said to have died of food poisoning after gorging on lampreys.
What it taught me? Do not order Lampreys if I ever see them on a Denny's menu.
- 1258: Al-Musta'sim was killed during the Mongol invasion of the Abbasid Caliphate. Hulagu Khan, not wanting to spill royal blood, wrapped him in a rug and had him trampled to death by his horses.
What it taught me? Hulagu Khan is the undisputed champion of murder loopholes.
- 1410: Martin I of Aragon died from a lethal combination of indigestion and uncontrollable laughing.
What it taught me? Farting can go from hilarious to tragic in a matter or seconds.
- 1514: György Dózsa, Székely man-at-arms and peasants' revolt leader in Hungary, was condemned to sit on a red-hot iron throne with a red-hot iron crown on his head and a red-hot sceptre in his hand (mocking at his ambition to be king), by Hungarian landed nobility in Transylvania.
What it taught me? The Hungarians are willing to ruin a perfectly good throne, sceptre and crown to ironically kill someone. Do not piss them off.
- 1601: Tycho Brahe, Danish astronomer, according to legend, died of complications resulting from a strained bladder at a banquet. It would have been extremely bad etiquette to leave the table before the meal was finished, so he stayed until he became fatally ill.
What it taught me? Even back then, people from Denmark would rather give their lives than not be polite. You're a class act, Denmark, don't forget it.
- 1649: Sir Arthur Aston, Royalist commander of the garrison during the Siege of Drogheda, was beaten to death with his own wooden leg, which the Parliamentarian soldiers thought concealed golden coins.
What it taught me? Parliamentarian's believed the world operated on a "Super Mario" type reward system for defeating enemies.
- 1660: Thomas Urquhart, Scottish aristocrat, polymath and first translator of Rabelais into English, is said to have died laughing upon hearing that Charles II had taken the throne.
What it taught me? At first I thought Urquhart had overreacted. Until I searched for a picture of Charles II.
- 1671: François Vatel, chef to Louis XIV, committed suicide because his seafood order was late and he could not stand the shame of a postponed meal. His body was discovered by an aide, sent to tell him of the arrival of the fish..
What it taught me? I too suffer from shame of a postponed meal...but that's when I'm waiting for my hot pockets to finish in the microwave. Hot pockets and shame go hand in hand.
- 1771: Adolf Frederick, king of Sweden, died of digestion problems on 12 February 1771 after having consumed a meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, topped off with 14 servings of his favourite dessert: semla served in a bowl of hot milk.
What it taught me? ....sauerkraut is so gross it can kill you. I'm sure the other stuff was quite tasty
. 
- 1794: John Kendrick, an American sea captain and explorer, was killed in the Hawaiian Islands when a British ship mistakenly used a loaded cannon to fire a salute to Kendrick's vessel
What it taught me? The modern equivalent? Saying hello to someone with a gun then accidently shooting them.
- 1834: David Douglas, Scottish botanist, fell into a pit trap accompanied by a bull. He was gored and possibly crushed.
What it taught me? Silver lining: His bull trap worked almost flawlessly.
- 1868: Matthew Vassar, brewer and founder of Vassar College, died in mid-speech while delivering his farewell address to the college board of trustees.
What it taught me? For at least 7 minutes a bunch of people must have thought this was the most EPIC dramatic pause in the history of dramatic.........pauses.
And without further delay, the last and possibly best ridiculous, mean, petty, smelly, bull trap related death I found. Why did Abraham Lincoln succeed? People like Clement Vallandigham were the alternative. Go!
- 1871: Clement Vallandigham, U.S. Congressman and political opponent of Abraham Lincoln, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound suffered in court while representing the defendant in a murder case. Demonstrating how the murder victim could have inadvertently shot himself, the gun, which Vallandigham believed to be unloaded, discharged and mortally wounded him. The defendant was acquitted.
What it taught me? Best...lawyer...ever!
Thanks for reading.
-jB
Thursday, September 2, 2010
B.P.S. Vol 5 - Things I Wish I Could Tell Young Me
For the 5th "Bullet Point Summary", I'm going outside the time-space continuum (FINALLY!). Do you ever wish you could talk to your younger self, and warn them about things that they will face in their life? Do you ever wish that I wish for that, and then upon realizing it is impossible, write a blog post about it? If at least 1/5 of you answered "yes". To the last question, proceed with the expected amount of apathy. The following is a list of things j.Bowman, at 25 in 2010 would love to tell his younger, slightly paler self:
- Don't worry about Jay-Z. He goes down to "98 Problems" when he is able to cross "not fucking Beyonce" off his list
- Your limit is 9 tequila shots. REMEMBER THAT! Do not try and go for double digits just cause she cheated on you. Puking behind a dumpster does not make her come back, even though at the time it seems like it might.
- Axl Rose eats. Like, a lot.
("Welcome to the Fridge")
- Believe the hype! That guy that made "Sixth Sense" is in fact the next Hitchcock. Not Alfred though. Roger Hitchcock, the guy that uploads all those videos of animals pooping on youtube. Same thing, only on the big screen and with Ron Howards hot daughter.
- By the way, Ron Howard is going to have a hot daughter. You will be surprised, confused, aroused....then confused again.
(This will never make sense to you. Ever. Just accept it.)
- Stay in Europe a little while longer.
- Venus Williams has a sister. You will suspect it is actually her brother until 2004.
- Janet Jackson FINALLY combines female nudity with football. The world nearly implodes on itself and nearly falls off it's axis. And that's just with one tit.
- Do not get attached to the Vancouver Grizzlies.
- Your Enternexus account will be irrelevant immediately.
- Your Nexopia account will be irrelevant immediately.
- He may be ugly as shit, but Daniel Craig is a bad ass James Bond.
(James Bond played by a sea urchin? Bold move)
- Laughter is the best medicine, until you start taking the good shit.
- Your keys are underneath your hat, you idiot. They are always there!
- You are not in the bathroom, you are in the garage. Just throw up in the paint can and seal it back up. As of 2010, nobody has noticed yet.
- There will be a black President. It will not be Carl Weathers. In time you will learn to get over it.
(His platform of "Punching America's Problems in the face" didn't resonate with female voters.)
- When you send an important text, maybe read it out loud first before you send it.
- Everyone is cheating at Baseball.
- Tell her to go fuck herself within 2 years, MAX
- That cool "poker" set you got in the small metal briefcase, ends up being a barbecue "poker" set, not the cool gambling kind. You will feel like an idiot, this is unavoidable. Just don't eat all that Burger King to cheer yourself up.
- Don't get excited. Leno comes back.
- None of those years is the Canucks' year.
- That first Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to BLOW YOUR MIND! Yes, sadly I said "first".
- Do not watch "Serenity" before you see "Firefly". DON'T!
- Your taco limit is 5. REMEMBER THAT! 5!
- If you are going to attempt a swan dive off a houseboat, fucking commit to the dive. Don't change your mind in mid-air. You will suffer the worst bellyflop of your life. And you will have deserved it.
- Don't feel weird about asking Christopher Nolan for a picture.
- St. Patricks Day 2010 Las Vegas: Do everything the exact...same...way.
- "Arrested Development" is going to get taken away from you. The wound will never heal.
- The Boston Red Sox will finally win. And then they will win a few more times enough so that you don't like them anymore.
- Do not watch the "Trevor Linden Retirement Ceremony" with her. You will cry, she won't be attracted to you anymore.
- You will be super hungover off gin and strike out swinging during a slo-pitch softball game. Start preparing for that mental anguish now. Striking out in slo-pitch is something you can't wash off and you'll have to live with forever.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers will win 2 Super Bowls. One will be against the Arizona Cardinals. No, I am not fucking with you. This actually happens.
- Do not worry when Jack Black is cast as the Green Lantern. Good things will end up happening...7 years later.
- You're gonna need to grow a pair a lot earlier than you think you will.
- Aaron Eckhart will portray your favorite Batman villain in a good Batman movie (they are coming, don't worry). You will still remain sadly disappointed that "Two-Face" wasn't played by Denzel Washington and Danny Glover.
(Denzel or Glover?.........Why can't it be both of them?)
- Zag, instead of Zigging.
- There is definitely a point at which you are too old to play lazer tag.
- Date a goth chick. At least once.
- After you graduate, keep dating high school seniors until it gets weird. You are going to want to go to a few grads.
- Her dad can hear you, and he already didn't like you.
- You will think the horror movie "Saw" is pretty decent. Prepare to be bombarded with 7 more every october until 2010.
- The ability to search Wikipedia on your phone will lead you to believe that you are smart. However you still won't understand what prime numbers are, so don't get cocky.
- Don't worry about Elian Gonzalez. Nobody else will 5 hours after the ship his ass back to Cuba. (Case in point, all 5 of you probably forgot that kid existed until now!)
(Pictured L-R: A thing, that actually, happened)
- Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, John McClane, Indiana Jones. They will all be back. One of them is bringing Shia Labouef.
- Give the American version of "The Office" a chance.
- Spider-Man 3 is gonna dissappoint you so much you are going to feel like you got punched in the dick. DO NOT punch yourself in the dick afterwards just to see which is worse. This accomplishes nothing. All you will end up with is a hurt dick and you'll still have watched Spider-Man 3.
- Do not buy anything ever. There will be Torrentz.
- You will one day weigh 243 lbs. Do not worry. You will get back down to 200 lbs and "The Poutine Era" will end.
- Your sister will get married, you will get hammered.
- The 1997 "Batman & Robin" movie will only be the worst thing that's happened to you for a few months.
- "Empire records" is not going to be as good as you remember
- Maybe slow down a bit on New Years Eve....all of them.
- As of 2010, Mark Messier hasn't been eaten by wolves....yet. You will remain hopeful well into your mid 20's
(It takes a while to train wolves to eat a piece of shit. In time, Messier, in time...)
- On February 28th, 2010........You know what? Words can't do it justice. You'll see.
- One day, you will finally get some sleep...probably.
Thanks for reading
-jB
- Don't worry about Jay-Z. He goes down to "98 Problems" when he is able to cross "not fucking Beyonce" off his list
- Your limit is 9 tequila shots. REMEMBER THAT! Do not try and go for double digits just cause she cheated on you. Puking behind a dumpster does not make her come back, even though at the time it seems like it might.
- Axl Rose eats. Like, a lot.
("Welcome to the Fridge")- Believe the hype! That guy that made "Sixth Sense" is in fact the next Hitchcock. Not Alfred though. Roger Hitchcock, the guy that uploads all those videos of animals pooping on youtube. Same thing, only on the big screen and with Ron Howards hot daughter.
- By the way, Ron Howard is going to have a hot daughter. You will be surprised, confused, aroused....then confused again.
(This will never make sense to you. Ever. Just accept it.)- Stay in Europe a little while longer.
- Venus Williams has a sister. You will suspect it is actually her brother until 2004.
- Janet Jackson FINALLY combines female nudity with football. The world nearly implodes on itself and nearly falls off it's axis. And that's just with one tit.
- Do not get attached to the Vancouver Grizzlies.
- Your Enternexus account will be irrelevant immediately.
- Your Nexopia account will be irrelevant immediately.
- He may be ugly as shit, but Daniel Craig is a bad ass James Bond.
(James Bond played by a sea urchin? Bold move)- Laughter is the best medicine, until you start taking the good shit.
- Your keys are underneath your hat, you idiot. They are always there!
- You are not in the bathroom, you are in the garage. Just throw up in the paint can and seal it back up. As of 2010, nobody has noticed yet.
- There will be a black President. It will not be Carl Weathers. In time you will learn to get over it.
(His platform of "Punching America's Problems in the face" didn't resonate with female voters.)- When you send an important text, maybe read it out loud first before you send it.
- Everyone is cheating at Baseball.
- Tell her to go fuck herself within 2 years, MAX
- That cool "poker" set you got in the small metal briefcase, ends up being a barbecue "poker" set, not the cool gambling kind. You will feel like an idiot, this is unavoidable. Just don't eat all that Burger King to cheer yourself up.
- Don't get excited. Leno comes back.
- None of those years is the Canucks' year.
- That first Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to BLOW YOUR MIND! Yes, sadly I said "first".
- Do not watch "Serenity" before you see "Firefly". DON'T!
- Your taco limit is 5. REMEMBER THAT! 5!
- If you are going to attempt a swan dive off a houseboat, fucking commit to the dive. Don't change your mind in mid-air. You will suffer the worst bellyflop of your life. And you will have deserved it.
- Don't feel weird about asking Christopher Nolan for a picture.
- St. Patricks Day 2010 Las Vegas: Do everything the exact...same...way.
- "Arrested Development" is going to get taken away from you. The wound will never heal.
- The Boston Red Sox will finally win. And then they will win a few more times enough so that you don't like them anymore.
- Do not watch the "Trevor Linden Retirement Ceremony" with her. You will cry, she won't be attracted to you anymore.
- You will be super hungover off gin and strike out swinging during a slo-pitch softball game. Start preparing for that mental anguish now. Striking out in slo-pitch is something you can't wash off and you'll have to live with forever.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers will win 2 Super Bowls. One will be against the Arizona Cardinals. No, I am not fucking with you. This actually happens.
- Do not worry when Jack Black is cast as the Green Lantern. Good things will end up happening...7 years later.
- You're gonna need to grow a pair a lot earlier than you think you will.
- Aaron Eckhart will portray your favorite Batman villain in a good Batman movie (they are coming, don't worry). You will still remain sadly disappointed that "Two-Face" wasn't played by Denzel Washington and Danny Glover.
(Denzel or Glover?.........Why can't it be both of them?)- Zag, instead of Zigging.
- There is definitely a point at which you are too old to play lazer tag.
- Date a goth chick. At least once.
- After you graduate, keep dating high school seniors until it gets weird. You are going to want to go to a few grads.
- Her dad can hear you, and he already didn't like you.
- You will think the horror movie "Saw" is pretty decent. Prepare to be bombarded with 7 more every october until 2010.
- The ability to search Wikipedia on your phone will lead you to believe that you are smart. However you still won't understand what prime numbers are, so don't get cocky.
- Don't worry about Elian Gonzalez. Nobody else will 5 hours after the ship his ass back to Cuba. (Case in point, all 5 of you probably forgot that kid existed until now!)
(Pictured L-R: A thing, that actually, happened)- Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, John McClane, Indiana Jones. They will all be back. One of them is bringing Shia Labouef.
- Give the American version of "The Office" a chance.
- Spider-Man 3 is gonna dissappoint you so much you are going to feel like you got punched in the dick. DO NOT punch yourself in the dick afterwards just to see which is worse. This accomplishes nothing. All you will end up with is a hurt dick and you'll still have watched Spider-Man 3.
- Do not buy anything ever. There will be Torrentz.
- You will one day weigh 243 lbs. Do not worry. You will get back down to 200 lbs and "The Poutine Era" will end.
- Your sister will get married, you will get hammered.
- The 1997 "Batman & Robin" movie will only be the worst thing that's happened to you for a few months.
- "Empire records" is not going to be as good as you remember
- Maybe slow down a bit on New Years Eve....all of them.
- As of 2010, Mark Messier hasn't been eaten by wolves....yet. You will remain hopeful well into your mid 20's
(It takes a while to train wolves to eat a piece of shit. In time, Messier, in time...)- On February 28th, 2010........You know what? Words can't do it justice. You'll see.
- One day, you will finally get some sleep...probably.
Thanks for reading
-jB
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
B.P.S. Vol 4 - What's on TV right now?
For my fourth Bullet Point Summary I thought I'd do a random sampling and observation of anything interesting on channels 2-57 at 9pm on 8/31/10:
- Channel 6: "Illegally Yours" a 1988 comedy starring Rob Lowe. Awesome storyline: "Rob Lowe as a juror infatuated with an accused murderer". One star. No shit.
- Channel 9: "Shaq vs." This show always comes through with something insane. In this episode, the second season finale, Shaq competes in a dance challenge with Justin Bieber AND competes in a monologue faceoff with Jimmy Kimmel on "Jimmy Kimmel Live". How do I not watch this?!?!?!
-- Who lets 9 year old girls into a press conference?
-- Bieber sounds hungover. Voice is gone. Said he had a late night last night. So....10:30?
-- Nobody asks the hard journalistic questions like 9 year old girls.
-- Justin Bieber asked for his final thoughts on the competition: Says nothing, knocks over microphone, stares at Shaq.
--They go bowling. Trick shot style. Bieber: "this shot is called the free throw, I bet you can't hit this one". Then he just stares at Shaq to make sure he heard him. Kid's got balls.
-- Shaq comes out on Jimmy Kimmel wearing a silk shirt, that probably doubles as a sail on a pimp's pirate ship
(His character in Kazaam had great depth. He wasn't just a genie, he rapped too)
- Channel 12: "White Collar" airs it's first season finale. I've never heard of this show, but apparently Neal and Alex paired up (FINALLY!) to go after the elusive music box at the Italian Consulate. Meanwhile, "Peter asks Diana to help him get rid of Fowler". Peter you dick, FOWLER = RATINGS!
- Channel 13: "America's Got Talent". You know what America also has? A lot of time on their hands.
- Channel 18: Weather Network. It's raining (repeat)
- Channel 20: America's Funniest Home Videos. How the hell is this still on while Arrested Development gets cancelled?!
- Channel 22 (sportsnet pacific) - "A 1999 hockey game resulting in a 4-4 tie between Catholic Central and Trenton is replayed 10 years later". It'd be better if the same two teams met 10 years later to settle it. You know what is worse than a tie in sports? Knowing about it beforehand.
- Channel 27: "Science and Islam" Sounds way too controversial. Moving on...
- 28: Glee - blah blah blah SONG blah blah blah kid in a wheel chair blah blah blah cheerleading coach is a bitch blah blah blah SONG. Next week: repeat the same formula, only backwards...and with Josh Groban.
- Channel 32 - "Roast of Larry the Cable Guy" - Unless this is just people continually walking up to the mic and saying "You're fucking awful", it's not an honest roast.
- Channel 34 - "19 Kids and counting". Not a profile on promiscuous sports stars. Next!
- Channel 35: "Let's talk about Pep". A reality show starring Pepa from "Salt n' Pepa". After watching for 3 minutes, I realized all the songs I thought were by "Salt n' Pepa" were actually done by either TLC or En Vogue, so fuck that. Apparently the show "chronicles her return from a four year hibernation as she attempts to recapture love and fame in New York City" It's adorable that this show thinks Pepa was a) relevant in 2006 and 2) it's a big deal she has come out of hibernation.
- Channel 42: "Destroyed in Seconds" "A silo collapses onto a tractor and its driver; a dropped grenade kicks off massive explosions; a race car crashes; a plane crashes near a baseball game". Also, boobs probably (that would've been a great sequel to "Love Actually")
- Channel 49: "Man v. Food". Been there before. I have no desire to watch someone go through what I went through on "all you can eat sushi" night.
- Channel 50: "King of the Hill". Did anyone ever like King of the Hill? I've only met one person who did and she sucked.
- Channel 53: "Stargate". Fuck yeah, when was the last time you watched Stargate? Not the 40 or so ass TV shows, the real deal? The 1994 Kurt Russel asskicking thrill ride? It's.................
(2 hours later)
...............not as good as you remember.
(And I still have no idea what sex this character is supposed to be. "Shim" will have to suffice for now)
Thanks for reading
-jB
- Channel 6: "Illegally Yours" a 1988 comedy starring Rob Lowe. Awesome storyline: "Rob Lowe as a juror infatuated with an accused murderer". One star. No shit.
- Channel 9: "Shaq vs." This show always comes through with something insane. In this episode, the second season finale, Shaq competes in a dance challenge with Justin Bieber AND competes in a monologue faceoff with Jimmy Kimmel on "Jimmy Kimmel Live". How do I not watch this?!?!?!
-- Who lets 9 year old girls into a press conference?
-- Bieber sounds hungover. Voice is gone. Said he had a late night last night. So....10:30?
-- Nobody asks the hard journalistic questions like 9 year old girls.
-- Justin Bieber asked for his final thoughts on the competition: Says nothing, knocks over microphone, stares at Shaq.
--They go bowling. Trick shot style. Bieber: "this shot is called the free throw, I bet you can't hit this one". Then he just stares at Shaq to make sure he heard him. Kid's got balls.
-- Shaq comes out on Jimmy Kimmel wearing a silk shirt, that probably doubles as a sail on a pimp's pirate ship
(His character in Kazaam had great depth. He wasn't just a genie, he rapped too)- Channel 12: "White Collar" airs it's first season finale. I've never heard of this show, but apparently Neal and Alex paired up (FINALLY!) to go after the elusive music box at the Italian Consulate. Meanwhile, "Peter asks Diana to help him get rid of Fowler". Peter you dick, FOWLER = RATINGS!
- Channel 13: "America's Got Talent". You know what America also has? A lot of time on their hands.
- Channel 18: Weather Network. It's raining (repeat)
- Channel 20: America's Funniest Home Videos. How the hell is this still on while Arrested Development gets cancelled?!
- Channel 22 (sportsnet pacific) - "A 1999 hockey game resulting in a 4-4 tie between Catholic Central and Trenton is replayed 10 years later". It'd be better if the same two teams met 10 years later to settle it. You know what is worse than a tie in sports? Knowing about it beforehand.
- Channel 27: "Science and Islam" Sounds way too controversial. Moving on...
- 28: Glee - blah blah blah SONG blah blah blah kid in a wheel chair blah blah blah cheerleading coach is a bitch blah blah blah SONG. Next week: repeat the same formula, only backwards...and with Josh Groban.
- Channel 32 - "Roast of Larry the Cable Guy" - Unless this is just people continually walking up to the mic and saying "You're fucking awful", it's not an honest roast.
- Channel 34 - "19 Kids and counting". Not a profile on promiscuous sports stars. Next!
- Channel 35: "Let's talk about Pep". A reality show starring Pepa from "Salt n' Pepa". After watching for 3 minutes, I realized all the songs I thought were by "Salt n' Pepa" were actually done by either TLC or En Vogue, so fuck that. Apparently the show "chronicles her return from a four year hibernation as she attempts to recapture love and fame in New York City" It's adorable that this show thinks Pepa was a) relevant in 2006 and 2) it's a big deal she has come out of hibernation.
- Channel 42: "Destroyed in Seconds" "A silo collapses onto a tractor and its driver; a dropped grenade kicks off massive explosions; a race car crashes; a plane crashes near a baseball game". Also, boobs probably (that would've been a great sequel to "Love Actually")
- Channel 49: "Man v. Food". Been there before. I have no desire to watch someone go through what I went through on "all you can eat sushi" night.
- Channel 50: "King of the Hill". Did anyone ever like King of the Hill? I've only met one person who did and she sucked.
- Channel 53: "Stargate". Fuck yeah, when was the last time you watched Stargate? Not the 40 or so ass TV shows, the real deal? The 1994 Kurt Russel asskicking thrill ride? It's.................
(2 hours later)
...............not as good as you remember.
(And I still have no idea what sex this character is supposed to be. "Shim" will have to suffice for now)Thanks for reading
-jB
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