"Well Frank, looks like sometimes it stinks...."
"...to be a fly....on the wall."
(*music* "yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!" Link: Caruso Brings it, repeatedly)
For the latest Bullet Point Summary, I was inspired by this winged abomination's death and how awful it must have been. Now, I have never been one to mock the dead. As a firm believer in the forthcoming zombie apocalypse, I do not want to give the zombies any more reason to want to eat me instead of my friends (sorry guys, every man for himself). You know what is worse than a regular zombie? A vindictive zombie. However I do not have any reservations about mocking the dead from a long long time ago. Should the dead rise, people that died hundreds or thousands of years ago would either be skeletons or dust. And while I'm 60% sure I could beat a skeleton in a fight, I'm 94% sure I could defeat a bag of dust (Unless it gets in my eye, then the perecentage drops considerably). In the 1900s deaths stopped being insane and interesting and just started being tragic. Way back in olden times though? Those people were insane, paranoid and huge, HUGE fans of putting things in people. They were as dickish and petty as they were smelly and rife with disease.
After some exhaustive research (Wikipedia) I have been kept awake by some of the most messed up deaths early history has to offer. I have learned lots from this....more so than any school has taught me.
- 272 BC: Pyrrhus of Epirus, conqueror and the source of the term pyrrhic victory, died while fighting an urban battle in Argos when an old woman threw a roof tile at him, stunning him and allowing an Argive soldier to kill him.
What it taught me? Having an old person stationed on my roof just in case of an attack is NOT a waste of time and human life.
- 207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs
What it taught me? I have GOT to check out youtube and see if there is a video of a donkey eating figs. (spoiler alert: there isn't)
- 620 BC: Draco, Athenian law-maker, was smothered to death by gifts of cloaks showered upon him by appreciative citizens at a theatre on Aegina.
What it taught me? Do not asks for cloaks for Christmas from everyone I know.
- 270 BC: Philitas of Cos, Greek intellectual, is said by Athenaeus of Naucratis to have studied arguments and erroneous word-usage so intensely that he wasted away and starved to death.
What it taught me? Neeeeeeeerrrrrrrdddd!!
- 162 BC: Eleazar Maccabeus was crushed to death by a War Elephant (also the name of my band - jB). charging into battle, Eleazar rushed underneath the elephant and thrust a spear into its belly, whereupon it fell dead on top of him.
What it taught me? If I am ever in a large scale battle (which I fully plan on being someday) the LAST place I want to be is underneath one of these things:
- 53 BC: The Roman general and consul Marcus Licinius Crassus was reported as having been put to death by the Parthians after losing the battle of Carrhae, by being forced to drink a goblet of molten gold, symbolic of his great wealth.
What it taught me? I could choke to death on $100 bills and Crassus would STILL have the most baller death ever.
- 212: Lucius Fabius Cilo, a Roman senator of the 2nd century, "...choked...by a single hair in a draught of milk"
What it taught me? Confirmed my suspicion that the cook at Denny's has indeed been trying to kill me.
(Just to be sure she gets me, she's put a single hair in ALL the pancakes)
- 415: Hypatia of Alexandria, Greek mathematician and pagan philosopher, was murdered by a Christian mob by having her skin ripped off with sharp sea-shells; what remained of her was burned.
What it taught me? As much as I hate math, it is nothing compared to how Christians felt about math several hundred years ago.
- 892: Sigurd the Mighty of Orkney strapped the head of his defeated foe, Máel Brigte, to his horse's saddle. The teeth of this head grazed against his leg as he rode, causing an infection that killed him.
What it taught me? This guy is an idiot. Maybe when the teeth scrape against your leg, oh I dunno, once, perhaps then you should move it....or put on pants. Idiot.
- 1135: Henry I of England is said to have died of food poisoning after gorging on lampreys.
What it taught me? Do not order Lampreys if I ever see them on a Denny's menu.
- 1258: Al-Musta'sim was killed during the Mongol invasion of the Abbasid Caliphate. Hulagu Khan, not wanting to spill royal blood, wrapped him in a rug and had him trampled to death by his horses.
What it taught me? Hulagu Khan is the undisputed champion of murder loopholes.
- 1410: Martin I of Aragon died from a lethal combination of indigestion and uncontrollable laughing.
What it taught me? Farting can go from hilarious to tragic in a matter or seconds.
- 1514: György Dózsa, Székely man-at-arms and peasants' revolt leader in Hungary, was condemned to sit on a red-hot iron throne with a red-hot iron crown on his head and a red-hot sceptre in his hand (mocking at his ambition to be king), by Hungarian landed nobility in Transylvania.
What it taught me? The Hungarians are willing to ruin a perfectly good throne, sceptre and crown to ironically kill someone. Do not piss them off.
- 1601: Tycho Brahe, Danish astronomer, according to legend, died of complications resulting from a strained bladder at a banquet. It would have been extremely bad etiquette to leave the table before the meal was finished, so he stayed until he became fatally ill.
What it taught me? Even back then, people from Denmark would rather give their lives than not be polite. You're a class act, Denmark, don't forget it.
- 1649: Sir Arthur Aston, Royalist commander of the garrison during the Siege of Drogheda, was beaten to death with his own wooden leg, which the Parliamentarian soldiers thought concealed golden coins.
What it taught me? Parliamentarian's believed the world operated on a "Super Mario" type reward system for defeating enemies.
- 1660: Thomas Urquhart, Scottish aristocrat, polymath and first translator of Rabelais into English, is said to have died laughing upon hearing that Charles II had taken the throne.
What it taught me? At first I thought Urquhart had overreacted. Until I searched for a picture of Charles II.
- 1671: François Vatel, chef to Louis XIV, committed suicide because his seafood order was late and he could not stand the shame of a postponed meal. His body was discovered by an aide, sent to tell him of the arrival of the fish..
What it taught me? I too suffer from shame of a postponed meal...but that's when I'm waiting for my hot pockets to finish in the microwave. Hot pockets and shame go hand in hand.
- 1771: Adolf Frederick, king of Sweden, died of digestion problems on 12 February 1771 after having consumed a meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, topped off with 14 servings of his favourite dessert: semla served in a bowl of hot milk.
What it taught me? ....sauerkraut is so gross it can kill you. I'm sure the other stuff was quite tasty
. 
- 1794: John Kendrick, an American sea captain and explorer, was killed in the Hawaiian Islands when a British ship mistakenly used a loaded cannon to fire a salute to Kendrick's vessel
What it taught me? The modern equivalent? Saying hello to someone with a gun then accidently shooting them.
- 1834: David Douglas, Scottish botanist, fell into a pit trap accompanied by a bull. He was gored and possibly crushed.
What it taught me? Silver lining: His bull trap worked almost flawlessly.
- 1868: Matthew Vassar, brewer and founder of Vassar College, died in mid-speech while delivering his farewell address to the college board of trustees.
What it taught me? For at least 7 minutes a bunch of people must have thought this was the most EPIC dramatic pause in the history of dramatic.........pauses.
And without further delay, the last and possibly best ridiculous, mean, petty, smelly, bull trap related death I found. Why did Abraham Lincoln succeed? People like Clement Vallandigham were the alternative. Go!
- 1871: Clement Vallandigham, U.S. Congressman and political opponent of Abraham Lincoln, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound suffered in court while representing the defendant in a murder case. Demonstrating how the murder victim could have inadvertently shot himself, the gun, which Vallandigham believed to be unloaded, discharged and mortally wounded him. The defendant was acquitted.
What it taught me? Best...lawyer...ever!
Thanks for reading.
-jB
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