Serious Talk About Bath Salts And The Forthcoming "Zombie Apocalypse"

Monpeeps, how are you?

That question is rhetorical moderately unimportant. I hope you are all doing well, and if you aren't, well there isn't a whole lot I can do about it from here (until someone invents an awesome grilled cheese sandwich that you can download and eat....now I want one, fuck!)

(And now you know exactly how I feel. Sucks eh?)

If there is one thing I have proved to be really good at in 2012, it's taking hiatuses (?). I'm barely a paragraph into this post and I have already revealed some pretty terrible spelling habits. Oh well. A lot has happened since I last returned after a lengthy absence only to take another one. Such things include:

- There was a new Spider-Man movie
- I gave a good friend the "Razor's Edge" finishing move (look it up) off a dock into a lake while super drunk.
- I turned 27 years old (not the same weekend as above, but still fun)
- The final Christopher Nolan "Batman" film came out and was immediately vilified for not being the answer to all life's problems.

(Batman seen here looking at everyones incredibly lofty expectations)

Yes, it's been pretty eventful and there are a lot of noteworthy things to discuss. Like, oh I don't know, THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE TAKING DRUGS AND EATING EACH OTHERS FACES!

(As opposed to just swapping them, like the good old days).

According to many terrifying reports (which I don't read because current events are fucking terrifying), some new drug called "Bath salts" is sweeping the nation. And by "sweeping the nation" I mean causing people to flip the fuck out and go full Romero on each other.

(Bath? No, this is officially "zombie broth" now)

Rather than make you read more white type on a black background (btw I am NEVER changing the design of this blog), I'll let a video fill in the details. I didn't feel like searching for long, so it was the first short one I came across (sub 3 minutes).

Take it away, girl who somewhat reminds me of Lisa Loeb:


(In a word: WHATINTHEFUCK!?!?)

So yeah, that's happening now. Let's check in with ACTUAL Lisa Loeb to see what she has to say about this:


(She had absolutely NOTHING to add to this. I don't even know why I asked her)

 I don't tend to "get serious" too often here on j.B.C.S. but this seems like the perfect topic and opportunity ("topictunity"?... No. The answer to that question was NO!) for me to talk about something seriously, for serious. And to show you that this is no laughing matter and I'm crazy serious, I'm at about here on the "Gene Hackman Scale Of Emotions":

(Not pictured: Malarkey, Whimsy, Fucks of any kind)

When this story first broke a while ago (C'mon, I've been busy. You saw that list up there) one thing that kept getting tossed around was the phrase "zombie apocalypse". The perpetrators of a few of these crimes have fit the zombie description pretty well (face eating is a big one) but the fact that zombies are movie monsters seemed to calm most everyone down.

However there is something that calms me down without question. That is the fact that people watch too many movies. What leads to our panic also leads to our salvation. By that I mean this:

Humanity is WAY too "genre savvy" to fall prey to a zombie apocalypse.

(Hipster zombies will be the first to go)

After doing the slightest bit of research possible before writing this post (research is overrated) I discovered that several governments actually have zombie protocols in place in case the world gets overrun by the walking dead.

(or a shit load of Dales. FUCK DALE!)

But it isn't the governments preparation that comforts me when I think of an army of shuffling boogeymen intent on getting some brains in 'em. It's the average citizen.

(Shown here, planning)

On this planet (Earth, in case you are reading this after the colonization of the moon), right now, I estimate there are 426,000 ordinary people who have a plan "just in case" the dead rise and need to be put the fuck back down.

I am one of them.

Years ago some friends and I jokingly planned what we would do if we woke up and zombies were all up in everyone's shit. Strategies were discussed, weapons were hypothetically acquired and shelter was targeted for a takeover. Hell, we even planned to pretend not to know each other at first so we don't appear as a cohesive unit/threat to other survivors, but we are TOTALLY working together.

(NOTE: This discussion happened while we were watching the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead" at the time....which is an awesome movie btw. It's the best part of this "40 Year Old Virgin" scene, NSFW):



Although there was varying degree of seriousness to our "what should we do?" conversation....we still had it. And we're semi-normal people. If it all went down, I know I'd follow our poorly thought-out plan because, well....I don't have another one.

This is my plan B:



Thing is, when it comes to "Z-Day" I've thought about it but I haven't thought THAT much about it. According to my completely made up figure above, many people have. And that isn't even including the crazies who build custom guns and refer to them as "zombie destroyers"...

(+1)

So if you are worried about zombies being total dicks and ruining your day/life, in all seriousness you can relax. The odds are much better that someone in your neighbourhood is fully stocked up on weapons just waiting for the day when being an amoral murderous vigilante is acceptable behaviour.

(Everyone can relax, he's got this. And by "this" I mean a chainsaw hand)

So, feel better? I know I do. And to be sure I made sure to measure my emotion on the "Gene Scale" again...

(I'm... not a very happy person)

But if the zombies in question are "fast zombies"? We're all fucked.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Follow the "Sleepless Knight" on twitter @jBowmancouver. He may be an idiot, but twitter is full of them. What's one more gonna hurt?

The Sleepless Knight Rises

Monpeeps, how are you?

Been awhile, (according to my calculations, it's been roughly six months). In case you've forgotten, I don't really do great when it comes to calculating things. I don't know what it is. My aversion to numbers? The fact that I am never really sure what Month it is? Or could it be my staunch refusal to use anything but an abacus? I certainly have no idea what it could be.

(ABACUS!!!!!)

When last I left you, I had "sold out" and gone legitimate with a blogging gig for a major newspaper here in Vancouver (who are we kidding, that paper is KING!). It has long been a dream of mine to sell out the first chance I got, and I'm proud to admit I took it. However, bitches and money can only get you so far in this life (roughly 6 months or so) and I miss writing here. I miss it every day. Plus I'm still waiting for my endorsement deals to come through.

(I would sell almost as many of these as I would eat. Almost)

 You may have noticed a sharp decline in my creative output here on j.Bowman Can't Sleep. And of course by "sharp decline" I mean "straight up vanishing act". For this, I am sorry. But it's not like I've been slacking off. From December-April I wrote 138 posts for that paper, and as much as I missed writing here (for those of Monpeeps who could give a shit about the Vancouver Canucks), it seems like every time I would write it would be about that hockey team I love who once again proved to be above such trivial things as "championships" and "making people happy".

(41st verse, same as the first)

 Oh, I slept a lot better too, which had a pretty profound effect on my prolificness (and my ability to make up words). However, "the game has changed" recently and I find myself staring at the ceiling for extended periods of time at all hours of the night once again. I don't know how much I'll write, if I will continue monthly features like the IIHOF and the Irrational Fear of the Month, or if I'll change the design to make it more watered down and easier to read (spoiler alert: I won't). Just figure for now I'd drop by and let you know, in case you were wondering, that's where I've been: Asleep.

(Like this, only with my eyes closed....and only one beer)

So, there really isn't a big point to this post, or a glorious epiphany that brought me back. I just felt like writing something, and there is no better time than now and no better reason than the one which made me start the blog in the first place.

j.Bowman Can't Sleep.

Good to be back.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Jersey. Always. #2 - "Beer League"

A wise man with a great singing voice and radically fluctuating weight once said:

"A little less conversation, a little more action".

With that in mind, I present to you the second of three "Jersey. Always." videos entitled "Beer League". Keeping this series short and almost completely devoid of dialogue. If you have 1:12 seconds to spare today, I highly recommend giving it a viewing.

Check the #replacethekb tab at the top of the blog for my other campaign videos and #voteBow4Blog. The Cinderella story of this run is coming to an end, it's time to throw your support behind, well, not exactly the "dark horse".

Support the pale horse.



In case you were wondering, yes there is a take where a softball hit me "downtown". Perhaps there will be outtakes.

Thanks for reading.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB

Follow me on twitter @jbowmancouver There will be candy! (candy subject to change.)

Mike Gillis GM Camp for Kids - A Brochure Review

"A camp where kids and inept teens can gather and learn how to navigate life the Mike Gillis way" - Brochure.

"Don't be an idiot. Come here and learn something." - Brochure (first draft).

I was recently going through my "fictional things" drawer and I came across a brochure for an intensive summer camp for prospective or future GM's run by Canucks General Manager Mike Gillis.

(This kid will not be kissing any girls at the camp this year. Fact.)

Are You There Ron Hextall? It's Me, Ryan Miller

"Sometimes in life you just have to give people a whack on the leg to let them know you aren't to be messed with." - Ghandi.

(Or maybe it was Ron Hextall?)

There has been a lot of controversy recently over an incident on November 12th when Boston Bruins forward Milan Lucic drilled an unsuspecting Ryan Miller in a game between the Bruins and the Buffalo Sabres. Hits happen all the time in hockey, but the reason there is so much controversy is because Ryan Miller is... wait for it, a goalie!

(Proof.)

Lucic was given a charging penalty for the hit, and Miller ended up leaving the game in the 2nd period (he has since been diagnosed with a concussion). After the game in the media scrum, Ryan Miller unleashed this gem on the world in regards to the hit, Lucic as a person, and his stance on feces.

Miller: "I just want to say what a piece of shit I think Lucic is. Fifty pounds on me, and he runs me like that. It’s unbelievable. Everyone in this city sees him as a big, tough, solid player. I respected him for how hard he played. That was gutless. Gutless, piece of shit.”

Wow. Hey bad guy from "Demolition Man", can I get an "Oh Snap!"?

(Thank you.)

Ryan Miller unleashes what passes as a salvo attack for a goalie these days. I'm not going to get into the legality of the hit, if you want that, check the rest of the internet (I'm sure you will find at least 400 people writing at length about it). For the record, I did not like the hit, but what I really want to do is ask the question:

What happened to tough goalies like Ron Hextall?

(Also, on an unrelated topic, Queen was an awesome band.)

Top 5 Classic Canucks Moments ('94 / Between The Lockouts)

Let me clarify right out of the gate what my personal definition of "classic" is when regarding Canucks moments. During the 40 year span of the Vancouver Canucks, there have been many eras which can be defined as classic to different groups of people. I think the simplest definition of mine would be the moments that happened during my wonder years... "formative years" in life.

(Lawsuit? Sidestepped.)

You hear people talk about how there were a big fan of certain things "while they were growing up" and that's just the period I went for when choosing these 5 moments. I was a fresh faced youngster when the Canucks went on their amazing run in '94 (which literally could have filled every spot on this list). How fresh my face was is debatable, but the message is that during that run I became a fan for life. The 10 years of Canucks fandom that followed saw me go from age 8 to 18, 3 feet tall to 6 feet tall and pale skinned to... well that didn't really change.

(Also something that never changed? My appreciation of this guy.)

A Canuck Life #1 - "The Heart"

I came into this contest with several goals in mind. "Don't cry" and "watch Rudy every day" appear on that list (conflicting goals if you ask me) but another one was to do 3 sets of 3 videos detailing a different aspect of Canucks fandom. I have a lot of fun doing them and I had hoped they would give me a little boost out of obscurity because the vast majority of people outside of my regular readers here have never heard of me.

To those who have noticed, thank you very much.

Anyone who wants to catch up on "Jersey Always" or "Getting to Know Bow" can click the "#replacethekb" tab at the top of the blog.

Now, the first of the last series: A Canuck Life - "The Heart"



The contest so far has been a blast. Everyone is bringing it daily and my scorecard has it as a 15-way tie for first (I have really diplomatic scorecards).

There are 10 days left, and 5 videos to go (as well as posts, just to prove I'm also literete, litarite, literate... good at words.)

Thanks for reading.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB

Sidney Crosby Returns - "Can... Can we hit him?"

In order to succeed in any kind of business, you have to protect your assets.

(Like it or not: Asset!)

Sidney Crosby is set to return to the ice soon for the Pittsburgh Penguins for the first time in nearly 10 months and however you may feel about him, this is good thing for hockey. Crosby has become an ambassador for a sport that desperately needs them.

Professional hockey has always struggled in some areas to find it's niche as a mainstream sport. Since the 2004-2005 NHL Lockout, the league has been doing everything it can to recover and expand it's fanbase.

(Well, almost everything. At least have each team put one animal on the roster. I don't even care if they play, just like the possibility that they might.)

In the post lockout NHL, several rule changes came about to showcase the high skill level of some of the league's top players, two of whom entered the league in it's return season. Alex Ovechkin and future Stanley Cup winner Sidney Crosby burst onto the scene and competed for the Calder Trophy (awarded to Ovechkin as the NHL's best rookie). It was just what the league needed to give it a boost: a fresh rivalry between two of the best young stars the sport had to offer.

(One homo erotic beach volleyball game away from "Top Gun".)

After several seasons and accolades (both have won the Hart and Art Ross trophies) Sidney Crosby managed to set himself apart in an undesired way. He was caught up directly in the biggest hot button sports topic since steroids in baseball:

Head shots.

On January 1st, 2011 at the Winter Classic Crosby had his head down and skated into the path of Dave Steckel and got his bell rung. He stayed in the game and suited up 4 days later against the Tampa Bay Lighting, a game which saw Crosby get hit into the boards from behind by Victor Hedman.

He hasn't played since.

I'm not going to debate the legality of the hits because that horse has been "blindside elbowed" to death. It's not so much that the Crosby hits were dirty, it's that they happened to a marquee guy, which got more people asking important questions. With Crosby on the verge of making his return (after speaking out against the league's failure to properly crack down on head shots) one of those questions I find to be the most intriguing is:

"How do the other players, play against him?"

(Doubtful we'd see the "Arrested Development" strategy.)

As much as I would hate to see it, there will probably be a wide berth given to Crosby the first couple of games. But that will not last long. When a guy like Crosby is KILLING your team, there is an expectation to go out there and send a message. That doesn't mean what it used to in the old NHL (a magical time when "sending a message" might as well have meant "shank the guy"), but even so, it is expected for players to raise the level of physicality and stop the threat.

(And here he is, trying to be threatening. Adorable.)

I'm not suggesting everyone just gives him a clear path to the net, but you have to admit anyone who throws a hit on the guy in the next few weeks will be under intense scrutiny from the league. Justified or not. Spoken or unspoken, it will happen. If anyone comes within a whiff of the league's "golden goose", NHL disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan will be watching. Heaven forbid the league is required to market George Parros as a "must see" NHL superstar.

(Going after that all important "dudes with vans" demographic.)

If you think "Sheriff Shanny" isn't going to destroy anyone that lays a dirty hit on Crosby you are crazy. Shanny is there to protect all the players (and has been handing out suspensions for nonsense at an impressive rate) but there is something special about marquee players. Issues with them shine a light on the problems within the league and the measures being taken to stop those problems.

 

(Crosby gets hit, Commissioner Bettman lights the Shanny Signal.)

There is an odd parallel between Sidney Crosby and a former young, skilled NHL forward.

One of my favorite players growing up recently retired due to complications brought on from many concussions he received during his NHL tenure. At one time he was the youngest captain in the league and was a huge part of turning a fledgling franchise into a contender. He was a multi-time All-star, Lady Byng winner and runner up in the Hart Trophy balloting in 1997. He was from Vancouver, BC.

His name is Paul Kariya.

(One of his more awesome moments.)

(Kariya receiving one of the cheapest shots I've ever seen via Gary Suter.)

Paul Kariya, several years and a few concussions into his career received another one at the hands of "Concussion-Bot" Scott Stevens. It being the Stanley Cup Finals, Kariya manned up, returned and even scored a late goal to force a game 7, which they lost. The effort (not the hit) was deemed by many to be "Bombay Approved".

(Okay, by "many" I mean "me", but it still counts for something)

Sadly Kariya was never the same player. Although he had a good year here and there, you never felt like you were watching the same player you were before all of his concussions. After his retirement, he had some strong words for the league regarding their enforcement of player safety regarding concussions. 

“The thing that I worry about, is that you’ll get a guy who is playing with a concussion, and he gets hit, and he dies at centre ice. Can you imagine what would happen to the league if a guy dies at centre ice?”

"If you start at 10-game suspensions and go to 20, that sends a message to the players. But if you start fining the owners and suspending the coach, then it’s out of the game." 

With a big name superstar like Crosby now being involved in this controversy, the league is heavily focused on ensuring the safety of it's players and the quality of it's on ice product.

But is it enough?

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention another one of my favorite players as a kid who had his potential diminished and his career cut short due to concussion.

(If you don't like Pat Lafontaine, get your head checked.)

Time will tell if Sidney Crosby can regain the momentum he had before his concussion and remain one of the premiere players of this generation. But even with a close eye being kept on him, can anything be done to avoid seeing not just superstars, but average players "in a crumpled heap"?

Hockey is a fast and passionate game, it's going to happen again.

Thanks for reading.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB

 

Don't just "follow" me on twitter. Let's upgrade this to "stalking". I often tweet my whereabouts, allergies and greatest fears. @jbowmancouver.

Jersey. Always. (Campaign Commercial)

June was a hot month. Temperatures soared and in order to beat the heat, t-shirts were required.

However, as an owner of many Canucks jerseys, the temperature was the last thing on my mind as the team marched toward their first Stanley Cup. I love wearing them, especially on game days. When the Canucks got into the Stanley Cup Finals, the fact that it was June and it was bloody hot did not make me rethink my fashion choices at all.

Jersey? Always.

I had been waiting to wear my jerseys on incredibly hot game days since I was 8 years old (the one out of place hot day in late March doesn't count). I wanted late round playoff hockey, and the jerseys to go with it.

I don't care what the occasion is, I love wearing my Canucks jerseys. So much so that I swear to all who read this, I will ONLY wear my Canucks jerseys from now until the end of the #ReplaceTheKB contest. "Flying V", "Skate", "Orca", "Orca that feels it has to specify where it's from", I got variety, so it won't be a problem. I just hope I don't have to attend any events where a Canucks jersey isn't really appropriate garb.

I don't care if it's a date, a business meeting or even a friend's wedding...




I will not leave my house without a Canucks jersey on. Game day or not. That is my promise.

Jersey. Always.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

I am on twitter (@jbowmancouver) or as the French would say "sur twitter". I can't speak French, I just use altavista translate.

Like what you see? Head HERE, click "share" and then go out and hug someone you care about today. I just watched the "Care Bears Movie" and those little guys had some great ideas...

#ReplacetheKB   #voteBow4Blog

Getting to Know Bow (Campaign Commercial)

After looking at the other 14 finalists for The Province's #ReplacetheKB contest, there is one thing I've noticed (aside from the fact that they are all pretty darn good at what they do):

I'm in a class of established Canucks bloggers, and nobody has ever heard of me or knows who I am.

I'm going to do my best to fix that though. So here is the first in my series of campaign commercials entitled:

"Getting To Know Bow"

I just watched that for the first time. I uhh... I have to make a call. Excuse me.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

I am on twitter (@jbowmancouver). It works out perfectly, cause my thoughts have a 140 character limit anyway.

Like what you see? Head HERE, click like, and then you know what? Make yourself a delicious sandwich. You earned it.

#ReplaceTheKB     #voteBow4Blog

NHL Casting Call: The Washington Capitals

You never know when something incredible is going to happen. At any given time, we could be moments away from seeing something that will change the landscape of the entire world, and when such things happen there is always someone ready to capitalize on it.

Odds are that person is in Hollywood.

The turnaround from "Real Life Events" to "Movie Adaptations" these days is so fast. I remember the day after Steve Jobs passed away reading that they had greenlit a movie about his life. It happens just that fast (they've greenlit the Clint Eastwood biopic roughly 9 times, but he's got fight in him).

Hollywood has been responsible for a lot of great moments in my upbringing, and whenever I can I like to give back. I've now accepted that I will never pay them back for bringing "Jurassic Park" into my life, and that's okay. The best way I can think of to help them would be to compile casting lists for... everything, just in case something incredible happens and they want to make a movie. Casting just the right people takes time.

Who knows? Tonight's Canucks vs. Capitals game could see something unbelievable and earth shattering go down (Volpatti hat trick?) and when the movie gets made, I'll reap some pats on the back from the movers and shakers in Tinseltown. Here is who should play selected members of the Washington Capitals team. You have to put a bankable star up front, so the person playing Alex Ovechkin comes with the Oscar pedigree to sell tickets and get award buzz.

(Note: Some of these players will have to be aged slightly for this movie to work. Also, one of them might need to be re-written as a car).

You're welcome, Hollywood.

Forwards

Alex Ovechkin

Played by:

Sean Penn

(Ironically, couldn't get a picture with a smaller head)

Cody Hodgson & Liev Schreiber : Two Journeys?

I can't recall ever seeing acclaimed actor Liev Schreiber and Vancouver Canucks forward Cody Hodgson in the same place at the same time.

If there exists any evidence to the contrary, please let me know.

When the Vancouver Canucks drafted Cody Hodgson back in 2008, everyone was a-flutter over how he was going to be the next Trevor Linden (if you don't know who Trevor Linden is, well, I don't have anything more to say to you. Good day!). He had the raw talent and future leadership traits that defined Trevor Linden and possessed a similar skillset that would be a huge boon to the Canucks organization for many, many years.

In addition to all that, I had another theory about him upon first seeing him on draft day:

He is actually Liev Schreiber.

(Who might also be the dude on "Big Bang Theory")

Swords: The Greatest Thing Ever (100th post)

Monpeeps, this is the 100th post in the short, ridiculous history of j.Bowman Can't Sleep. It's been a long and winding road. And nowhere along that road has there been a divey little cafe with really good pie. Regardless, thanks to you all for continuing to read. I didn't think I would get past 8 posts when I started, and to be honest it wasn't until like 30 posts in this thing got readable anyways. But, I feel like I should try and say something of substance here because although this will actually matter to like 2 people, I'd like to commemorate the event with some wise words:

"Anyone who says you can't run away from your problems isn't a fast enough runner."

With that pearl of wisdom out of the way, I'd like to talk to you about the king of Medievil weapons. Before you even start, I don't know how to spell "Medievil". That "i" and "e" in the middle of it throw me every time and I am too lazy to find out what it is. Spellcheck is all the way up there ^. So if you are bothered by bad spelling, don't be such a nerd and get over it, you know what word I'm trying to say. This ain't a spelling bee.

Which Medie...Medeiv...fuck it! "Old timey" weapon do I consider to be king? Easy: Swords.

(The "Throne" they are all playing the "Game" for? Yep. Made of Swords)