Sidney Crosby Bowman: Year One

(Disclaimer: to anyone who reads this blog ootside of Canada, I've got something coming in the next post just for you. Three things actually)

This requires a bit more setup than usual. It details and explains something I have referenced here several times: My hypothetical first born child, Sidney Crosby Bowman.

 (This baby will overcome great fear)

 The reason for the name? Well, it's cause of this guy:

(Sidney Crosby Crosby)

Now I'm not a fan of of the Pittsburgh Penguins or anything. To be honest I'm not even a fan of Sidney Crosby, really. The main reason I have to name my son after that screaming lunatic up there is because of a deal I made with the gods. The Hockey Gods.

(Yep.)

So what was the deal? Well it was February 28th 2010. Team Canada was playing Team USA in the Gold Medal game of mens hockey at the Winter Olympics, which were being held in my home country (Canada) and in my home city (Vancouver). I watched the game from downtown at English Bay with some of my nearest and dearest and it was damn special. Canada was winning 3-2 with less than 90 seconds left in the game. We were all ready to explode as soon as the final horn sounded and Canada won gold. The plucky Americans tied the game up at the end and sent the game to ridiculously dramatic sudden death overtime. Here is an accurate video detailing how Canadians reacted to such a development. LINK: Summing things up perfectly.

So I waited in line for the bathroom, really having to pee when I made a deal with the hockey gods. "I will name my first born after whichever Canadian player scores the game winning goal".  Now I should explain that this was a huge deal to me, and everyone else in red & white. To win gold at our national sport on home soil would be a moment that we'd remember forever. It would be like if England won the world cup in England. Or an American team winning the Super Bowl in America. Like I said, it was a big deal. So overtime started and after a heartwrenching back and forth battle. The hockey gods delivered unto j.Bowman....this. LINK: Best thing I've ever seen that didn't have boobs

(Yeah ya did)

The rest of the day, night, week was a bit of a blur. But I do remember the deal that was made. I plan to honor it. Thank god I don't have to name him "Chris Pronger Bowman". I'd put that kid up for adoption immediately. I should prefix this by saying I'm carrying on under the assumption that Sidney will be a boy. I don't understand women at all so if Sidney were to end up being a girl, I would trust her mother with most of the child-raising, and I would start amassing a collection of samurai swords AND start training with those swords in preparation for when she starts bringing boys home.

(You only get 1 first impression, so make sure you are holding a sword)

So, without further delay or pictures of Ninjas, I present to you what I think Sidney Crosby Bowman: Year One will look like in pictures. (Keep in mind my genes are crazy so the kids hair...and age...and race might appear to change frequently. This is perfectly normal for him)

Jan. 1st - Mom goes into labour while dad sleeps off New Years Eve. Not sure who she is gonna be yet, so this will have to do for now.

Jan 2nd - kid is born. Just like his dad, he refuses to do anything on Jan.1st except stay in the fetal position hiding from a bright light.  He comes out of the womb with a fist extended, like Green Lantern when he flies.

(Pretty much exactly how it's gonna go down)

Jan 3rd - After arguing with wife for a day, she agrees to let me name him Sidney Crosby Bowman (SCB). In return I agree not to fart for an entire year. Totally...worth it.

Jan 4th - SCB tries hitting on several female babies in the nursery at the hospital. After facing much rejection, he finally manages to wear one down by being slightly more badass than the other babies.

Jan. 9th - SCB drives himself home from the hospital cause he believes in himself.

Jan 31st - SCB has his first nightmare. In it, his parents are gunned down in an alley cause he was too much of a little bitch to sit through a marginally scary opera. Even though it was just a dream, the next morning, after an intense session of putting his finger in his nose, he starts preparing.

March 3rd - SCB watches "Inception" with his dad.

 March 9th - SCB figures out that his dad is an idiot.

March 18th - SCB first starts to suspect that there is no Easter Bunny. Kid's smart

April 29th - SCB does his first impression of Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars and fucking nails it!

April 31st - Dad takes SCB to the place where the thing he was named after happened. Kid loves it?

 May 4th - Babysitter tries to put SCB to bed. She didn't factor in his skills with a lightsaber.

May 18th - SCB plays his first game of Pool against his dad. Unfortunately he loses because he can't talk yet and when you play j.Bowman you have to call your shots. NO FLUKES!

July 4th - SCB starts to believe it's not butter.

July 8th - SCB listens to Radiohead's album "The Bends" for the first time.

August 6th - SCB watches "Shawshank Redemption" with his dad, later tries to escape the house. Unlike the movie he gets caught immediately cause he smells like shit.

 Sept. 4th - SCB closes out the summer by going to town on his first watermelon.

Sept. 17th - SCB gets trapped in a sandwich. Eventually he escapes. The ordeal renders him temporarily Korean

Sept. 30th - SCB gets his "douchebag facial hair" phase out of the way early.

Oct. 18th - SCB starts writing his own blog "s.c.Bowman Can't Eat Solid Foods". It's pretty terrible.

Oct. 31st - SCB celebrates his first ever halloween. His dad tries to dress him up as Yoda but SCB cries in every costume except Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh

.
Nov. 3rd - SCB stands up for the first time after his dad makes a tiny bat-signal out of a flashlight and shines it at the ceiling.

Nov. 18th - SCB takes his first steps when he hears the theme song for the TV Show M*A*S*H*. He walks over to the TV and turns it off. This is the proudest I will ever be of him.

Nov. 27th - SCB gets in his first fight. Beats the shit out of this kid:

Dec. 17th - SCB wins his first steel cage match by annihilating Jenny from next door.

Dec. 25th - SCB celebrates his first Christmas. However he does not get any presents. Presents are for closers.

Dec. 31st - SCB celebrates his first New Years eve by rocking his first valour tracksuit. The bitches do, in fact, recognize.

Jan 2nd - Sidney Crosby Bowman and j.Bowman share in a father/son fart. SCB then says his first word: "boom-shaka-laka". Mom considers a divorce.

And so ends how I'm pretty sure the first year of my hypothetical son's life will go. I'm sure now there are many of you who hope that I never, ever have any children. Your fears and concerns have been noted. And if SCB's future mother is reading this right now, I'm sorry in advance dear. (You want to score some points men? Try apologizing back in time)

But I don't just plan on stopping at 1 kid. Oh no. I've got plans for the others too. And they will hate me more and more the older they get.

The second kid, I will expect a lot from but he will be a constant dissappointment to me.

Second childs name: Sequel

The third kid, well after hoping that he will make up for the mistakes of kid 2, he ends up being an even bigger dissappointment, causing me to leave the franchise family.

Third childs name: Trilogy

Then I plan on divorcing and remarrying, then having a fourth child.

Fourth childs name: Spin-off

At which point I think an old girlfriend from my early 20s will return and drop a bombshell on me: She had a baby a long time ago, and Maury Povich will confirm my paternity.

Fifth childs name: Prequel.

At this point I will reflect on the life I have had and the women I have had children with. After going through a period of great growth and maturity, I will re-marry my first wife and try it again, avoiding the mistakes that I made before. We are gonna have another child as well.

Sixth childs name: Re-boot.

My family will be equal parts complicated and awesome.We will gladly fight your family at dawn.

It all starts with the namesake. February 28th was an incredible day. So for the hockey gods and my fellow Canadians....Mr. Crosby, let's see another LINK: - Once More, With Feeling.

(Don't worry non-Canadians, I got something coming for you)

thanks for reading.

-jB

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Post Halloween Correspondence

Halloween is over for another year, which sucks. If there are 3 things I love it's candy bars, wearing a cape in public and girls who dress like...that. Halloween brings all these things together in an explosion of awesomeness. Also, it features explosions.

(Fuck yeah it does!)

Halloween has a distinctive smell, at least where I come from (not the "mean streets", but the "slightly frustrated avenues"). That smell is a complex but pungent mix of gunpowder, fake mustache glue and lack of shame. Man, I miss it already. But although I miss many of those things, there is one aspect of Halloween that I miss the most:

 (As awesome as this is, I'm actually talking about....)

The People.

Halloween is a night weekend filled with encounters with a wide variety of people whom I've never met before, and to be honest if I met them ever again I wouldn't remember them because of their costumes. I do not know their names, I do not know their astrological signs and I do not know whether or not they have a boyfriend (although I can't imagine any of the girls I saw NOT having a boyfriend or temporarily aquiring one before midnight). However even though I will probably never see them again, I have so much to say to them, post-halloween. November 1st is a smokey, candy covered haze, but that doesn't mean I will let things go unsaid. I believe that Halloween isn't truly over until you wake up with a stomach ache from too much candy, glitter where there should be no glitter and a ridiculously detailed plan for surviving the zombie apocalypse. This is dedicated to some of the fine folks I encountered last weekend.

So..."To those I met, and won't forget, and made me upset, I won't regret, this post-Halloween Correspondence." (rumination)

To: Child dressed as Batman -
If you really were Batman, you wouldn't be walking around with your parents. They'd be dead. (Perfection)

To: Lady Gaga -
Sorry for what I said. I thought you were a chick (demoralization)

To: Justin Bieber -
Sorry for what I said about Lady Gaga. I thought you were a dude. (confusion)

To: Slutty Rainbow Bright -
I was as glad to find out you knew details about the show as I'm sure you were dissappointed that I knew details about the show (attraction)

To: "Monk"/aborted Jedi -
I'm guessing you dressed as a Jedi, saw how many girls were at the party and left your lightsaber in your car. (suspicion)

To: Adorable Child dressed as a Cow -
I never stood a chance against you in the costume contest. You are a damn cheat. (perception)

To: Mario & Luigi -
You are about the 10th people I've seen wearing this costume (duplication)

To: Slutty Alice in Wonderland -
Here's hoping you didn't end the night off by being "Alice in the backseat of a jetta" (abduction)

To: Construction Worker, Indian Chief, Biker -
I know you arrived seperately, but getting a picture of you guys together was impossible! (Frustration)

To: Baby dressed as Robin -
If anything were to happen to your family, I'll step in and raise you like my own (adoption)

To: Waldo -
If you bumped into me and spilled my drink 1 more time, the answer to the question "Where's Waldo?" would've been "The Hospital". (altercation)

To: The Joker (Heath Ledger version) -
Thank you for commemorating the 2 year anniversary of this costume being played out. (repitition)

To: babe in the Supergirl costume -
If your boyfriend wasn't dressed up as Superman....he'd probably still be able to kick my ass. (submission)

To: Lady Stormtrooper -
I pretended not to know what you were on purpose. I know all about Star Wars. (Overcompensation)

To: Guy dressed as Hitler -
Fuck you. Seriously. I hope you die or get bitten by a shark. (assassination)

To: Guy dressed as a Shark -
Where were you when I needed you? (contribution)

To: Girl dressed as Indiana Jones -
Indiana Jones was a man. But I'm gonna let it slide this time. Nicely done. (Admiration)

To Slutty Robin Hood -
Only 9 digits of your 10 digit phone number were correct. (Misdirection)

To: Slutty Robin -
I'm a Batman fan. It would be weird. (affirmation)

To: Guy dressed as The Dude from "The Big Lebowski" -
We need to hang out and drink some white russians sometime. (association)

To: Ninja -
Dude, I can see you. You suck at this. (comprehension)

To: Slutty Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz" -
There's no place like...my apartment. (determination)

To: Slutty Hermione from "Harry Potter" -
Never before have I seen better creative liberties being taken with a costume. (Improvisation)

To: Couple dressed as Bacon & Eggs -
I look forward to hearing about your breakup. (seperation)

To: 20 Something dude in a child's Spongebob costume -
I regret not fighting you. (aggresion)

To: Guy dressed as The Situation from "Jersey Shore" -
It would be awesome if you punched yourself in the face. (Inception)

To: Priest -
Here is a commandment you should add. "Thou shalt not eat all of the mini crispy crunch bars out of the assorted chocolate bar bowl". Don't think I didn't see that. (retribution)

To: Slutty Ghostbusters -
Who you gonna call? Planned parenthood. (suggestion)

To: Guy dressed up as Stormtrooper -
Nice to know $300 buys you a costume that protects you from laser blasts, extreme temperatures and women. (alienation)

To: Slutty Cinderella -
Your glass slipper is not in the toilet. Although I admire you for looking so long and being thorough while I was waiting to pee. Hope you feel better tomorrow. (compassion)

To: The 4 dudes dressed as Ninja Turtles -
Fellas, c'mon. You can't ALL be Raphael. (co-operation)

To: Iron Man with LED Chestpiece -
Maybe a little less time working on your costume, a little more time acquiring a girlfriend. (desperation)

To: Slutty Firefighter -
If a fire were to break out, you are not wearing proper firefighting garb. (observation)

To: Clown -
Thank you for staying 20 ft. from me all night. (distraction)

To: Wonder Woman -
Just so you know, we have to name our firstborn son "Sydney Crosby Bowman" (procreation)

Let us all hope those messages find the right people. Also I just want to say that with this being the final piece regarding Halloween or anything Halloween related, there is something I wanted to do to signify the end of the 2010 Halloween season. Ladies and gentlemen, much to your delight, I will be retiring the Thriller video and all references to it until next October. I'm gonna miss you, Michael Jackson and your army of dancing zombies. You guys take care now. Zombie second from the left at 2:19? I think I'll miss you most of all.

To: Zombie second from the left at 2:19 -
Dead or alive, you're a phenomenal dancer. (infection)


Play us out, Thriller!

 (Until Halloween 2011....)

Thanks for reading

-jB

Irrational Fear of the Month: November

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all of the sleepless knights who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about The Ocean.

(Don't let it's serene appearance fool you, it contains a myriad of treachery)

I should start by saying that I love boats and I love being ON the ocean. I prefer Pacific to Atlantic cause, well, c'mon Atlantic Ocean, who are you kidding? Even the Indian ocean thinks you suck.

(I can think of a few other people who'd agree if they didn't freeze to death in you)

Now while I love boats, I am pretty certain that the main reason I do is that with each nautical mile they are giving the ocean the finger. If I had a boat I'd name it either "I'm gliding majestically right on your surface, bitch" or "Serenity". But just what is it about the Ocean that scares me, irrationally? Next time you are on the thing, look at it. Just....look at it. You know what's going on beneath the surface? Me neither. It is almost impossible to prove that sea monsters do not exist. In a world filled with uncertainty, that is one thing I'd like to know for sure.

(We could be seconds away from this at any time. I'm not cool with that)

Let's look at movies/TV for a second. Think of 1 movie or TV show, just 1, where good things happen on the ocean. Go ahead I'll wait.....maybe it isn't looking like such an irrational fear now, is it? Off the top of my head the following movies contain SGDOTO (Shit Going Down On The Ocean)

Waterworld - The Ocean decides it has had enough of land's bullshit and does something about it. And Kevin Costner drinks his own pee.

Gilligans Island - Boat sinks, clumsy moron annoys Captain, some rich old people, two hot chicks and a professor who is strangely without credentials. Part of me thinks he was actually a janitor on the mainland who saw an opportunity and went for it.

 ("I'm also a gynecologist")

Jaws - Asshole shark ruins fourth of July.

Perfect Storm - Hardworking bearded fishermen try to make a living, Ocean decides against that.

Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 - They happened.

Poseidon - The Ocean vs. the one man who has made it his bitch. Kurt Russell

(You know who didn't find it funny? The ocean)

Now, the ocean has apparently has a ruler. His name also happens to be Poseidon thus proving that ship was doomed from the start. There is a reason there has never been a plane named "Jesus". Poseidon carries a trident and is pretty badass. Although it's not too hard to be in charge when oceanic leadership basically boils down to Poseidon and these two idiots:

 (Namor the Sub-Mariner vs. Aquaman. Settle down boys, you both suck.)

(Poseidon: uses waves to cover up his junk, punches ships in the face)

The ocean and humanity have had a tentative alliance for sometime now. We try and keep the oil spills and mass slaughter of it's inhabitants to a minimum, and in return the ocean provides us with something nice to look at, a dramatic method of throwing things away and a good place to pee if we're at the beach and too far away from the bathroom.

(Poseidon, if you don't like it you're a goddamn hypocrite)

Another reason to fear the ocean? The tide. Somehow the tide is working in correlation with the moon (Or so I learned from "Bruce Almighty"). Gravity is part of that too I think. So, lets look at that triumverate of terror: Water, Gravity, Outer Space. Those are some powerful forces. We are already at a disadvantage because 15/18th's of the earth's surface is covered by water (I was never good with fractions...or women). The fact that it is in bed with the moon really makes me uneasy. There is the sea, and then there is the "deep sea". There the ocean holds even more deep dark (and wet) secrets. Our previous efforts to explore this region have proven disastrous:

 (In fish tanks around the world, we commemorate his sacrifice)

If shit ever goes down and we square off against the ocean, we're in deep troubs. The ocean has some bad motherfuckers on it's team. Sharks haven't had to evolve in millions of years (they have only had their own week for 700 years). Octopusses can fit into jars and predict the outcome of soccer matches (I can't do either of those things, so jealousy enters into it) and Dolphins? Well dolphins are the the only other species on earth who have sex just for the fun of it. So they are gonna be a lot more relaxed in battle than the Wolf Fish.

 (AKA the "Virgin Fish")

I thought the worst and most terrifying sea creature in existence was the jellyfish. You can't predict it's movements, it looks pretty and if it stings you, well, you sir are gonna get peed on. Or you could just deal with the pain. I have never been stung, but I think I'd prefer that to the awkwardness that me and whoever I'm with will share for the rest of our lives. Jellyfish stings heal. Peeing on your girlfriend's leg? That's forever. Nobody is gonna bust your balls if you get bitten by a shark. But one encounter with an R.Kellyfish and people will be calling you "leg pisser" for years (assuming they aren't a very clever bunch). Now, I know there are other things down there, so in an effort to calm my fears I decided to do some research into just what exactly is going on down there. I should not have done that. Now I know where the Sharktopus must be hiding.

(If we fuck with the ocean, it will send it's greatest warrior against us.)

 In closing, next time you go to the beach or are anywhere near an ocean, watch your back. It is far too big, too dangerous and full of too many deadly creatures for me to trust it. I was wrong about one thing, however. When I stated above that Captain Ron is the only man to bitchslap the ocean, I forgot about one dude. If for some reason we cross the line and the ocean decides to "Waterworld" our asses (I do pee in it quite a bit), we'll need the only person to tear the ocean a new asshole: Moses.

(Moses to ocean: "fuck you")

If Moses handed the ocean it's ass again, I think we'd be fine. I probably wouldn't miss it. As long as we still have "Crocodile Mile" I don't know why we even need the ocean.

(Irrational Fear of the Month: December - the tiny rocks we accidently slide on)

Thanks for reading

-jB